Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

[Thisissundae]

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

Do you think he refuses insemination because you are not married and he cannot have a claim on your money.....not sure...just something is off, indeed

I do think you approached it right then. But it feels a bit rushed now into splitting up with him.
Maybe he is having a bit of a worry or anxiety about this second child. That's OK it's normal to worry. And he's so not said no seco d child ever.
You have this deadline of age 38, which is understandable, he doesn't have the same biological clock so isn't feeling the same things. But neither of you can understand the other.
I'd suggest couples counselling either way.

Maybe he is one of those men that never actually are ok with TTC, but are ok once it’s happening, your first baby was unplanned was it?

I had one at 36 and left 4 years. Since then I never conceived, I am close to 50/ So there is bio clock, that is for sure

Id guess if number 1 hadn't been an accident you'd be childless right now.

so virtually you don't do any sex???

I think you’ve overreacted, sorry. If you didn’t have a dc already then absolutely cut your losses if you’re being strung along.

That sucks. Would you be prepared to kick him out of he doesn't TTC now? I'm thinking maybe if you're kind of twisting his arm over it then maybe you should split anyway as the relationship might not last if he feels dragooned into the second kid. It's not fair though as he alleged he did want it, so if he's changed his mind he needs to be honest about it.

I agree with this. He’s a commitment phobe. What does he say about splitting up?

I think I would have done the same, OP. He's shown that you can't trust him, because he's willing to lie and mess you around over something so important. You aren't going to be able to live with this, and maybe if you leave now there's time to get pregnant again with someone else.

I'm not sure why pp think you're overreacting. Sometimes on MN people need to raise their standards when it comes to men and relationships.

I think he's being really quite cruel.

He knows how much this means to you so he dangles carrots in flippant conversation but then puts barriers up in more serious ones.

I'd tell him you won't put up with him playing games and he either confirms his feelings on the matter once and for all by the end of the month or you leave.

You can't force him into having another child but you also can't let him hold you to ransom over it. He knows how precious time is to you at this point ad he's using it to control you.

He needs to decide now if he's willing or not. No extensions.

If you don't act decisively you could end up resenting him ad the marriage will be doomed anyway.

Have you ended it @Thisissundae ? What was his reaction?

You are completely minimising your DS in all this. It's not just about ''seeing DS's perspective ''. It's about doing the right thing for DS above anything else. Do you genuinely think your DS would want his mum and dad apart for the sake of a hypothetical baby that his mum wanted. Absolutely selfish behaviour.

I understand how you feel OP. I was just a bit younger than you when I pinned current DP down to, "we're either trying for the baby we agreed we'd try for now, or this relationship is over because I won't be able to get past the fact you've strung me along for several years already".
It was hard as I didn't want to break up, and I didn't think I'd meet anyone else in time for an alternative! But, I felt like I had nothing to lose, at that stage, I suppose.
In your case it doesn't sound like huge upheaval for your DS, so you are more free to chose separation than others might be.

What is TTC?

Trying to conceive

In all your posts, the predominant word that you seem to use is ‘I’. What you want. That you have been let down, that you’re not getting the answer you expect. At no point do you talk about what is best for the child you already have; in fact, you’re willing to tear their family apart. This is life: people don’t always get what they want when they want it. Instead, they learn to compromise and communicate.

You've misunderstood the situation. She's ending it because her husband has lied, disrespected, and 'future faked' her. What kind of example is it to set her DS of how relationships should be if she stays in one where she is treated so cruelly and is so unhappy?

It sounds like the husband is only around on weekends anyway, and there's no financial hardship, so it might actually mean their DS spends more time with his dad.

Are you saying that you are currently not using any contraception and he is just abstaining from sex so that you don't get pregnant?

Raise your standards. Why should a woman stay with someone they can't trust, who has been cruel and a liar? For the sake of the kids? So her kid can grow up in a miserable, tense home with parents who resent one another?

Also, how is an OP supposed to write about their situation without referring to themselves? Or is she not allowed to have any care for herself because she's a woman?

You can have standards for yourself and still be a decent parent.

I think there's a massive difference between a man saying they don't want kids or another child versus one who lies about it and basically attempts to run down a womans clock in order to remove her choice and get his own way. (Also recognising if he changes his mind he isn't affected in the same way)

I couldn't trust someone after this betrayal. It isn't about blowing up the family over a hypothetical baby, it's about blowing up the family after a cruel lie and betrayal and whether you should stay with someone so cruel and selfish.

Future faked? What a load of made up tosh. A potential future child should never take priority over an existing child. There's no evidence to say her husband lied. He might want another child but not yet or he might have changed his mind about a second which is admirable because bringing new life into the world should never be done if there's doubts. He could easily have just gone along with having a second - many men would and then they'd disappear a few years down the line. He hasn't.

I have only read your replies so I don't know if anyone else has asked this but what did he say when you said you want to end it?

It does sound like he does genuinely want a second child but anxiety about some aspect of is holding him back.

I wouldn’t jump straight to ‘if we don’t start ttc, then we’re splitting’ but I think it would be fair to tell him that it’s obvious he is putting it off for some reason and if he can’t at least have an honest conversation with you about it then it may be the end of the relationship.