Would you have reached this decision too? Feeling utterly rubbish

[Thisissundae]

Me and DP have been together since 2020 so around five years. We both wanted children and it was discussed a lot early on (we were both in our thirties when we met).

Two years in I was pregnant, it was unplanned as we wanted to be together a little longer before TTC. I had ds and although DP struggled at first as it was all a bit of a shock for us both, he’s been a great dad. DS is now 3. I’m 38 soon and DP is 43. I’ve always been clear I wanted more children and DP has always said the same. I’ve basically done all the hard yards with DS as DP works away a lot.

In January we talked about TTC and DP was again really keen on the idea. After a lot of conversation we decided to TTC in the autumn as I started a new job in March and DP thought it better that I was settled into it and he wanted a few months to get another year under his belt at work as he had just been promoted. I would have started sooner and I told DP that, so I compromised by pushing it back to autumn. I had two job offers and I took the remote one with more flexibility with having another child in mind, as DP knew.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves. He is highly paid and often has to move around. I have said many times I would move with him if that happens and it’s upset me greatly that he’s brought this up as if it’s a ‘new’ conversation. It isn’t. I agreed to it as I work remotely. When I said this to him he said I had approached having sex in a clinical way and that there were ‘obviously things we had to talk about before having another child.’ Again this massively upset me as I was under the impression we had talked about it all and both been honest about our expectations.

For some reason, this weekend I suddenly felt something switch in me. I felt totally strung alone. He knew I came off contraception in August ready to TTC and agreed with this, though has made various excuses not to have sex since then.

I feel like such a fool. I’ve asked him to be honest if he’s changed his mind or to tell me if he wants to delay and why. I don’t get proper answers. I am fed wishy washy answers, the latest being he wants to check his contract will continue after March 2026, even though my salary more than covers our expenses and we both said we wanted another child regardless. Money is not an issue for either of us even if we were out of work for a while (and he won’t be).

I don’t want to be with someone who has done this to me, who keeps moving the goalposts and messes with my head by suggesting I haven’t planned things properly with him when I’ve done exactly that. I have said I want to end things. If don’t meet someone in time for another child then I will hopefully find someone who properly respects me and my body. I feel sure about my decision but also utterly rubbish about it too. Would you have done the same?

You’re a perfect example of what PP says in relation to underestimating the impact on your son. What if his dad now does move, will you also move? Or will he face growing up miles away from his dad which - admittedly - would be his dad’s choosing, but your family circumstances have led to it. And he’ll now have two homes, shuttling between you, which is never a cakewalk for children even in the best of circumstances. I work with children of separated parents and can tell you that it’s a trauma - of varying levels, but never not one.

I think you have to tell him the thoughts you are having and allow him to convince you otherwise if that’s really what he wants. Be prepared to walk away but if he gets your serious about a separation then he will need to start thinking about things like not being able to relocate at all if he wants to live near DS.

I don't think that your partner is deliberately messing you around. It sounds like he thinks he needs to be in the perfect circumstances to have a child. Like he can only cope with one "thing" at a time. His job might move so that has thrown him off and he feels he can't deal with a child with that uncertainty.

You have said that your first child wasn't planned so he never committed to that decision before either.

I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that there will never be a perfect time and he is now risking losing his family. If he can't stop dithering you will leave him. Make sure he knows that and factors it into his decision making.

I think you are doing the right thing, and I think you're very brave to face facts head on. He is an avoidant type. If you hadn't had DS accidentally he would still be future faking about having a family at all, while your fertility was circling the drain. I bet there are other things he's avoidant about too. Things you plan together than never seem to happen. Things that only happen because you provide all the impetus. I was with someone like this for far too long and I regret not leaving the relationship earlier. You have the financial resources I lacked so I think you would really regret staying. It sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes about how you're being treated. Good for you.

OP, I put a high price on integrity. His words are saying one thing and his actions another.

If it were me, I'd be moving on from the relationship, and considering having another child through other option (such as donar sperm).

I am gulty of only skimming OP's posts.

What happens if you try to get him turned on to have sex? He doesn't sound into you any more, OP.

When someone's words and actions don't line up look at the actions.

His not sure is a no, his delay is a no. When it comes to having a child, my opinion is: anything other than an enthusiastic yes, is a no.

He doesn't want the consequences of saying no. He won't be honest because if he is, he will lose the lovely life you both have together.

The relationship is over because of his the lack of honesty.

I agree with you OP. Time isn’t fully on your side with having another baby and it is beyond cruel to postpone or dilly dally about it. He either wants another baby or he doesn’t , what difference will another year make to him? I’d feel the exact same as you.

He may find you clinical or just doesn't like being pressured?
But have you brought out the the big guns? Which are -

1. He has duty to breed. Tell him he is the last of the great white hope (if applicable). White population in UK is in decline. My father in law (Arab ) had 18, yes eighteen children. And DP is pussy footing about 2? Not good enough.

2.Explain all the horrors - which are real - of DS being an only child. They can be many and which stay with one through life to a greater or lesser degree. DP needs to understand he does NOT want DS to be an only child. BUT you might conceive as easily at 39 or 40 as you will at 38. Can you have your eggs counted asap - I understand this is possible. AND/OR you could freeze some eggs?

What would he do if you came off your contraception?

Tell him that you are no longer on any form of contraception and are ready to try for baby number 2 as agreed.

I think his answer/action to this would tell you all you need to know

I would assume he doesn't want another child. At 38 I'd be expecting anyone who really wanted a baby to get cracking ASAP, not dither around. Most women I know who had babies around that age either had IVF or it took several years to conceive.

I am willing to bet that the timing would never have been ‘right’ to have a child (according to him) if you hadn’t had an unplanned pregnancy. It’s wonderful that you have your DC but I suspect that you would have realised what you now know about him much sooner if you hadn’t become pregnant when you did.

To me it reads like he doesn't want a baby and is messing you around until it is too late to have one. I also think your relationship is likely over. If you have a baby with him and he doesn't actually want one, he will resent it and that will break you up. If you decide to wait and follow his timeline, you may well end up with no baby and you will never forgive him for that, and that will break you up. I guess the thing to do would be 1. to have a completely honest and open conversation about this with him and lay it on the line that you are about to walk if he doesn't get on with it, not next spring, not the summer, but now. So does he want one or not? 2. If he tries to put it off, procrastinates etc., break up and go to a sperm bank.

She has compromised and she has communicated. They have had these conversations for some time. Her partner is not keeping to what he agreed and is not saying why.

Can you freeze your eggs? Create an embryo? I'm not saying it's a golden bullet but even the suggestion might work. It's the card I played when my DH didn't seem to be on the same timeline as me. He thought it was "pointless" as we were planning to have children anyway so agreed to TTC when I wanted to.

What else are they for? When they dilly dally and string women along until their late 30s they leave their partner no choice.

Yeah tough shit. Bullshit he wants 3 or 4, the autumn plan is realistic, and if he thinks it’s not then he needs to suck it up for failing to plan through AGAIN. So is needing a bigger house for a second baby when you have 4 bedrooms. I see where you’re coming from, he’s lied for too long.

You say there is plenty of family money. I’d look at donor sperm too if you could afford a bit of help.

I think he’s met someone

It would also make it near on impossible for him to move around the country. If you stay separated/split he will need your agreement to move away, or you could prevent it. If he did move the onus is on him to do all the travelling for contact too.

Your DP is sending really mixed messages. I’d not want to uproot and move away if he then decided against a 2nd, because that would make moving back so difficult and I’d not want to be with someone who moved the goalposts (see below).

My ex-h did similar. We had always agreed on 3 children. Mid way through TTC number 3 he changed his mind and refused to continue TTC. I’ve never fully got over it and it was a huge contributory factor in our split. I grieved for the ‘child that never was’, and struggled a lot when he went on to have a further two with his second wife, by which time I was too old and still single.

I wish you all the best with what you decide to do.

All of these people saying you should just be happy with the one you have and not break a family up are bonkers.

im 30 with one 3 year old and im almost desperate for a 2nd next year… it isn’t looking likely and besides other issues it was one of the reasons I no longer wanted to even try with her father because he was stopping me from having my other sibling for our daughter he was stopping me from creating the home life that I want so deeply. My daughters even asking for a sibling because she’s seeing aunties having babies friends at school got siblings.

you aren’t alone in this and the answer is you’re not being unreasonable and I couldn’t be with him either but make the decision on how you feel and do not go back on contraception. If he doesn’t want another he can wear a condom or go and get the snip. Why should you fill your body with hormones etc when you don’t really need or want to.

I have to agree, it does come off like your sex is clinical .

But some of your points are valid

He did commit to having their first child. If he didn't commit he would have left, saying he didn't plan this. He spends time with his child on the weekends mostly as his work takes up his week days, not being there in the mornings or bedtime.

'but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves.'

how would this affect your work ?

then later you said:

'So I asked him what he wanted and he said when we had purchased a bigger house (we already have four bedrooms!), '

so why the ' need ' for a bigger house - how many bedrooms are needed for 2 adults and one child ?

so what would happen if the bigger house had been bought and then he wants to relocate...

right now I would do neither.

It sounds to me like he is trying every possible thing he can think of not to ttc.

So, roll on autumn and DP has said he loves me and DS but he wants me to agree I will relocate with him if his job moves He loves you, but…. Does that sound like an ultimatum? ‘I love you, but I will be moving if work wants me to and if you don’t want to come then I will be leaving you behind’. It’s almost as though he’s hoping you’ll tell him you do want to stay, so he has an excuse to leave the family behind. He’s not the villain; you refused to go with him.

he has just done exactly what I anticipated which is to say he wants to talk and then repeats he wants to ttc and loves us both so much but… can’t ttc yet and the aumtum plan isn’t realistic as we apparently haven’t planned things enough. Despite the fact I’ve given up literally hours and hours of time discussing and agreeing to aunt uk. It’s exhausting He’s fobbing you off. If you sat him down and asked him to name all the things he thought you had left to plan, he’d repeat the same stuff you’d already agreed on until you forced his hand and left him with absolutely no choice but to either claim your relationship needs work or that he doesn’t want another child. And I think he’d blame your relationship before admitting to not wanting another child because he sounds quite cowardly.

I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you may not be together this time next year. If you desperately want another child, I don’t think you’re going to have one with this man. He’ll carry on fobbing you off until it’s too late for you, and then (and only then) admit he had no intention of ever having a second child. I suspect he might even admit that he never wanted the first child.