Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men suggesting home dates early on

420 replies

Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 09:44

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 18/10/2025 09:49

Red flag.

He wants sex. Simple as. He even said "getting to know you better" - it'd give me the ick being pushy.

Im sorry I think the pushyness would be a red flag for me. You're not even at date 2 and he CBA already? Date 3 hes pushing to have a date at home? And people say romance is dead...

Dog sitting; he can still leave the house, thats no excuse, he doesnt have to be there 24/7. The dog wont die if he isnt at the house.

You dont owe this stranger anything, yeah you've been talking online - but hes a relative stranger. Be safe, dont be amenable or swayed. Your gut is screaming for some reason.

Silverbirchleaf · 18/10/2025 09:49

He’s not the man for you. He’s asked (fair enough) but you’ve declined and he’s not respecting your boundaries. He’s basically a stranger still.

Yes he is pushy, (and only after one thing).

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 10:03

toomuchfaff · 18/10/2025 09:49

Red flag.

He wants sex. Simple as. He even said "getting to know you better" - it'd give me the ick being pushy.

Im sorry I think the pushyness would be a red flag for me. You're not even at date 2 and he CBA already? Date 3 hes pushing to have a date at home? And people say romance is dead...

Dog sitting; he can still leave the house, thats no excuse, he doesnt have to be there 24/7. The dog wont die if he isnt at the house.

You dont owe this stranger anything, yeah you've been talking online - but hes a relative stranger. Be safe, dont be amenable or swayed. Your gut is screaming for some reason.

Edited

Sorry I wasn't clear, the dog sitting is much further away, it seemed like he was effectively dropping it in that I could stay there for a weekend. This is after two dates of knowing him.

OP posts:
UninitendedShark · 18/10/2025 10:15

You’re not comfortable so no, don’t be pushed. Saying no should be enough and he’s already pushing your boundaries which doesn’t bode well. Generally speaking men like this are only really after sex.

SomeHorse · 18/10/2025 10:17

Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 10:03

Sorry I wasn't clear, the dog sitting is much further away, it seemed like he was effectively dropping it in that I could stay there for a weekend. This is after two dates of knowing him.

Show quote history

‘Nigel, we’ve met precisely twice. Why would I go away for the weekend with you when I don’t know the first thing about you and am still deciding if I want to have sex with you, ever?’

SquadGoals75 · 18/10/2025 10:19

Huge red flags!!! Please be careful.

DatingDinosaur · 18/10/2025 10:19

Agree with previous posters. He's only after sex. You say no, he'll lose interest because he's not getting his leg over. You say yes, he'll lose interest because he's got what he wanted.

He gave the game away when you said he looked slightly put out when you didn't agree to a home date for the third date. Then waffled about dog sitting or some such other imaginary bollocks.

AzureCats · 18/10/2025 10:24

This is a definitely a use your words situation. You've probably been declining the date options and he's assuming you're not up for the date suggestions in general. You need to tell him clearly that you're not comfortable with home dates this early on. His reaction will you everything you need to know about his character.
Tbh I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to want sex on a third date. I'd be keen to test the sex side of things to figure out if I was wasting my time. If he fucks off after sex then he's not the one anyway.

I tried to be clever and I can't undo the bold text. 😂

CalzoneOnLegs · 18/10/2025 10:28

I would bet that the people he is dog sitting for aren't aware he’s trying to lure dates to their house.

Enrichetta · 18/10/2025 10:29

No way. Why would you even think that this might be acceptable…

Jiski · 18/10/2025 10:30

He’s either skint or wants sex.

Probably not worth your time.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 18/10/2025 10:34

Jiski · 18/10/2025 10:30

He’s either skint or wants sex.

Probably not worth your time.

I totally get what everyone is saying about him just wanting sex / opportunities to have sex.

I also agree that ignoring your reaction or “seeming put out” is a red flag and also that you need to be safe.

BUT

I am finding life so expensive right now. I really cant afford to be eating out regularly or having drinks at pub prices a few times a week.

For this reason I am totally single, declining any approaches etc because I just cant afford to date.

Just wanted to mention that angle.

But overall, communicate clearly that you think it is too soon and then hold your boundary.

gannett · 18/10/2025 10:35

Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light.

Yes but have you actually said directly you don't want home dates or are you just trying to avoid them by suggesting other things? Hinty-hinty communication is bad communication. It'd be a red flag on his part if he was pushing against a boundary you'd clearly stated, but you do have to clearly state it for him to realise.

In my dating days it wouldn't have occurred to me to object to a home date, I enjoyed all the ones I went on (including with now-DP). It also wouldn't have occurred to me to be surprised, let alone offended, that a man I was dating wanted to have sex with me. Any time I said yes to a home date I certainly wanted to have sex with them!

Dacatspjs · 18/10/2025 10:36

They nearly always say they're looking for something long-term because that's what they think most women want to hear. Look at his behaviour, rather that what he says. He wants a shag. Someone suggesting this so early would raise alarm bells.

gannett · 18/10/2025 10:36

Jiski · 18/10/2025 10:30

He’s either skint or wants sex.

Probably not worth your time.

I really don't understand why wanting sex is a bad thing in a man you're dating.

LeftHandedPopcornScooper · 18/10/2025 10:37

He's skint or cheap, or both.

And probably also has no idea why the idea is so odd, because he's never had to do that sort of risk assessment.

Westfacing · 18/10/2025 10:38

Wanting to have sex isn't unreasonable - sounds more like he's trying to save money, which I'd have a problem with!

Dacatspjs · 18/10/2025 10:39

gannett · 18/10/2025 10:36

I really don't understand why wanting sex is a bad thing in a man you're dating.

Show quote history

Because he was setting it up for the second date. It's one thing if you have a cracking second date, it goes amazingly and you end up going home together. After one meal in a pub, inviting yourself to the others home is quite presumptuous.

Orangemintcream · 18/10/2025 10:39

He’s just after sex. Many men think that’s all women are for.

Bin him.

TwistedWonder · 18/10/2025 10:40

Most men say they want long term because they want to appeal to women who have boundaries. However most of them can’t keep up the pretence and very quickly reveal themselves as looking for quick sex
Home dates after 2/3 dates fir me says lazy cheap zero effort just wants to get to the shag asap without putting in any real effort.

MabelMoo23 · 18/10/2025 10:43

My 3rd date with DH was a home date - it was London 2012 opening ceremony so it was a case of shall we watch it with a takeaway and a bottle of fizz and it was a glorious date but yes I slept with him for the first time.

but we’d had two really lovely dates before then, one a day time and one an evening and he’d been incredibly respectful and it just felt right - and that’s the key, your gut is talking to you a reason.

the kind of person DH is, it wouldn’t have bothered him in the slightest if I’d wanted to stay on neutral grounds, but this guy obviously seems a bit put out about no home dates and that’s a red flag for only in it for the sex

Rainbowqueeen · 18/10/2025 10:43

Ask him to explain how home dates mean that you get to know each other better?

That makes no sense at all unless he means sex

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 18/10/2025 10:43

It also wouldn't have occurred to me to be surprised, let alone offended, that a man I was dating wanted to have sex with me. Any time I said yes to a home date I certainly wanted to have sex with them!

If you agree to a home date it will 100% signal that you’re up for sex. It shouldn’t, but it will. Only meet him at his house or yours when you feel ready. In the meantime I wouldn’t specifically say that to him, otherwise you’re giving him the ammunition to manipulate you into feeling ready and making it clear that you will shag him if ever you go over there. I’d just continue suggesting outside dates and see how it progresses, you will soon know if that’s all he wants. Ugh. Why is it all so hard! Why can’t men just be normal Grin

HappyToSmile · 18/10/2025 10:47

Have you laid it on the line when he's suggested a home date with a "Im not comfortable with that yet?". If you have and he still keeps pushing, he's not for you.
If you haven't actually said you're not comfortable with that this early on, tell him. His reaction may also tell you a bit about him!

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 10:50

I'm torn over whether he is or isn't looking for something longer term. He suggested could speak on the phone between first and second date but I didn't in the end, partly because I was busy with some things but also it was after he'd suggested the home date as an option for a second date so I was slightly put off. I don't think I take things overly slowly in relationships, but seemed fast and like he is trying to be intense, and he seems slightly anxious as a person, as though he is using this as a bar to assess my interest when really it's just that I take a few dates with anybody to really warm up and get to know them. I previously dated someone who turned out to be quite emotionally unavailable so I like to get to know someone.

He also did say in the interests of saving money about the home date, however he is a man with a reasonable job and no kids so I've no idea why he would be skint.

A poster said I need to be clearer about not wanting home dates early on, perhaps that is so, but surely most people can read other people and deduce that not all women are going to be comfortable with that so quick?!

OP posts: