Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

Men are allowed to want sex, it's not a red flag. You are allowed to say no.

Fwiw, ex bf asked me to go back to his on every date from day 1. He was fine when I declined. It's how they react to ,'no' that's more important.

100% and a lot of men have admitted that by saying they want a LTR they hope to attract a ‘better standard’ of women.
They can’t stop giving themselves away very quickly though and start pushing for sex almost immediately.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex straight away if it’s what both parties want but if one or other would rather get to know each other better first, that should be respected.

When I was dating, I was not averse in the slightest to sex early on.

But after a proper date (very happy to pay my share), not as the end of a low-effort home hang-out.

There's plenty of time to be hanging out at home when you are an established couple. The early days of dating are when both people are trying to make a good impression - so if he's not going to make some effort now, when is he going to?

Also, just because you might want to have sex by the second date, it doesn't mean you have to if you prefer to know someone better before taking that step.

Lots of women on here seem to think offering cheap /low cost dates = not making effort!!

Ridiculous m. I’ve never had sex after 2 dates and yet managed to have LTR’s where sex was a very important part.

Many people like to build an emotional connection before having sex and that’s absolutely normal.

Im nearly 60 and never met anyone I knew I wanted to sleep with the second time I met them. If anyone doesn’t get that then they’re not right for me but I’ve never found it an issue with the men I’ve dated

I will always offer to pay my way on dates so it’s the effort not the cost. Going for a coffee is hardly breaking the bank

Women (including me) are cynical because a lot of the men on online dating aren't interested in something longer term but will say any old shit to try to impress.

I often assume women who are confused by where the “cynicism” comes from either met their life partner young, or had a couple of good dates before finding their long term partner / husband.

And all their friends had the same experience. They have no experience / knowledge of women who had to date countless number of frogs or knowledge of the fact that even massive fuckbois and womanisers will all claim to be looking for longterm purely because they know that is what most women want.

I find it really interesting that so many consider a home date as 'low effort'... Id say its the opposite? A bloke inviting you to his home is likely going to be tidying up, cleaning a bit before you come, may be intending to cook for you which entails shopping, planning. How is that low effort?

"I'm not sure how someone can decide they want a long term relationship if they haven't had sex"

Because some people are looking for other qualities beside good sex. A man may be able to give you orgasms that blow your socks off but if he's mean, unkind, lazy, untidy, irresponsible, unhygienic, uncouth, drugged up or into substance abuse then he won't be any use as a long-term partner.

How many posts do we see on the "relationship" boards from women who are in relationships with feckless men who can't, or won't step up to the plate?

"I'd also suggest that if you aren't desperate for sex after two dates, you're never going to be"

Really?

Or those of us who found ourselves single again in middle age and are horrified about the dating pool of 50 something fuckbots whose come out with lines like Jay from the inbetweeners.

It’s depressing the number of older men who go straight to sex talk within minutes.

So then you clearly know what he was after!

I met a guy on a night out - we exchanged numbers. He wanted our first “date” to be at his house at 9pm.

I declined and suggested a proper date out. I never heard from him again! 😄

He wants a shag.

They're dirty perverts who might as well book a prostitute but too stingy too.

Sadly there seems to be a lot of them. I (used to) be attractive and often scouted for modelling in my early twenties. My dating app photos were not provocative and still I had so many men propositioning ‘home dates’.

Look up to see if there’s an ‘are we dating the same guy’ group on Facebook for your area. I always search their name on there after matching and so many are on that group. One who I matched with and seemed lovely was on there and there was multiple comments about him being abusive and a nutter.

People who don't want random shags are free to say no to them. It's still not a red flag to want sex.

Because he can get sex from anyone, and a blow up doll. I am unique and the person I am dating should be eager to get to know me. (35 years in a successful relationship that started through OLD).

Obviously, to make it easier to have sex. How you feel about that is up to you. It would put me off unless he was some sort of master chef and really was going to cook something outstanding.

Like men who suggest "going for a walk", around the area they live in.

Some women don't mind but I think a lot don't like it. There's a dating quality that the Americans call "having game", ie being good at it, not being low effort or obvious or overbearing. I wonder if online dating has made it harder to have game.

I expect the same women, like me, who consider a home date at date 2 and 3 as low / no effort are the same women who also consider men cleaning up after themselves, cooking and shopping as basic life skills and again not high effort.

You are also "anyone"

Exactly!

Hosting someone and making it nice is much more effort than just going to a restaurant and getting the credit card out. I also think that assessing a man's ability to host, cook and clean is a bit more important in terms of assessing relationship potential than picking a decent restaurant.

Also, how much you want to have sex with someone has absolutely nothing to do with how much effort they do or don't put into a date. It's to do with how hot they are.

Yuk. I wouldn't want to see himagain after this. He's just pushing for sex, and sex in someone else's house at that. 😒

The genders think differently. It makes sense.

Men definitelty want quick casual sexual encounters more than women do.

Men have different hormones. And men have Told me that they also feel societal pressure to have lots of sex, to prove that they are real man.

Men also have less risk from casual sex. They are not at risk of becoming pregnant, and can often walk away if the woman gets pregnant.

Women have different hormones. Women often want an emotional connection before having sex. They want to feel respected before having sex. (Not all women but we definitely see this happening)

Women have received the opposite societal pressure to men. Women have been told by society not to have casual sex as this makes them a slut. Many women have been convinced to think that casual sex is a bad thing

Wanting sex and being eager to get to know you are not mutually exclusive. One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

In my experience you never fully know anyone for years anyway. I'm not waiting that long to have sex!

I'd like a man with a tidy, clean house and who shops on a regular basis.

That would be baseline adult for me.

Agree that some people who have had sex on the first or second date that that has worked out well for you, and you are with those long term partners still which is good. I'm not sure if those are people you've met online though or were they known to you before? The online dating field is quite different because they are complete strangers with no friends in common with you, essentially noone who knows you is likely to know them and be able to comment on their character or their past. So the getting to know you phase could be longer.

As other posters have said, you sometimes can't tell the difference in what people want early on if they want only sex or sex and a LTR - I'm seeking something long term rather than notches on my bedpost so would rather just wait a little bit longer to assess people and see if they are a good fit. I'm not talking ridiculous amounts of time, have invited someone over on 5th or 6th date in the past, but that is not a rule either and depends on the person. I don't think you really know someone until several months down the line but i think by 5th or 6th date you know more than 2nd or 3rd date.

Yeah it’s really
annoying and tbh a sign of things to come.

100% spot on!

Especially this:

There are PLENTY of the latter ones online in particular. Statistically, I think this is what most men use dating apps for (if they're even single). They just view it as an enormous catalogue of women, and as they know a lot of women don't like or feel safe having casual sex, the only way they can relieve the itch is to lie and pretend they're looking for something deeper when they're not.

Unfortunately it feels like a lot of men see dating and especially OLD as trying to find a free sex worker experience.

I agree that a lot of women mocking this hesitancy are simply clueless of what is going on in the dating world because they exited years ago and never spent a long time in it due to good fortune.