Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

If he want's something longer term, there's no rush. He'll still be around.

If he just wants to have sex and disappear then he won't wait around.

Holding off on home dates is a win for you either way. You'll know where you stand.

Tight
Pushy
Anxious
Selfish
Doesn't respect your boundaries

The getting to know someone phase, is where a person is usually on their best behavior!

Bin him off.

Btw, you don't need to justify why you don't want to shag him yet - your posts have a lot of reasonsing like "It's because I've been with someone emotionally unavailable before" & "I don't think I take things overly slowly". Firstly, your expectations are very, very normal and reasonable. But even if you were taking things extremely slowly, anyone decent would want you to be comfortable and feel happy. Your "ick" feeling is your intuition telling you something is wrong - don't ignore it x

You are really missing the point. Even though there's an almost a self-congratulatory element to your post, it makes you look clueless as to what a lot of men are like in the dating world.

This isn't about pearl-clutching women being put off by a men who are 'keen to have sex'.

There's a difference between a cheeky-chappy who's sexually attracted to a woman he's open to being with long-term, and one that is lying about his intentions and trying arrange scenarios where he'll find it easier to pressure a woman into having sex.

There are PLENTY of the latter ones online in particular. Statistically, I think this is what most men use dating apps for (if they're even single). They just view it as an enormous catalogue of women, and as they know a lot of women don't like or feel safe having casual sex, the only way they can relieve the itch is to lie and pretend they're looking for something deeper when they're not.

Although some will put in more effort than this guy, one of the ways they do that is to ensure they spend the least amount of effort & money into actually developing a relationship. After all, if they spent that much, they might as well hire a prostitute.

One of the ways they do this is by pushing for very cheap dates - either walking in the park or trying to get home dates early on. The fact that they're mainly after sex and not a proper relationship makes them particularly impatient, so they just don't really want to let things develop more naturally or at the woman's pace.

How is it a red flag? He just wants different things to her. He is entitled to want different things. Many men want casual dating .

Op wants a serious relationship i think. You need to chat to him about what you both want.

If you are there thinking that you want a serious relationship, while he is thinking wants something casual with sex - obviously its not going to work.

But you need to have that conversation! Its bettet that you know now!

It may be that you are on different expectation trajectories. Some men like to find out early if you are sexually compatible. Some women like the men to show they respect them by making them wait. My advice is if you want to sleep with him, then do so and if you don't then don't (likewise for men). Doesn't matter if it is the first date or fifty-first. He may decide not to wait and may think you are not interested in him in that way.

This thread does show up some fascinating insights on how we view men and women and dating in the 2020s. There is still the air of women not giving sex to men until they get to know them, the perception that men are only interested in sex rather than connection that could be long term. It's almost like nothing has really changed since women's lib.

Not a red flag but also fine if not for you. Most of my second dates have been home dates and many have led to relationships

Just say straight out - ''No because you might be an axe murderer''

He has to respect your boundaries so maybe meet up half way both of you for the next 2 or 3 dates as you said for cinema or walk or coffee, if he says no then yes he just wants sex, ...

He’s making no effort at all, and sounds cheap to boot. He’s just after sex, if you want a shag…fine. Otherwise ditch as you aren’t on the same wavelength. If he’s pushy…run.

I haven't read the whole thread but if you're broke and don't want 'home dates' (quite right) and costly meals / drinks out there's nothing wrong with suggesting meeting up for a walk instead, and bringing your own flask. It's a good way to really get to know someone and if you think it might work long term you can have home dates when you're ready.

I have always believed this is where communication falls through between men and women in the dating phase.
Women thinks it's obvious what they are hinting at, and men think women mean exactly what they say. It's a nightmare!

Please just openly communicate your boundary. Like I and others have suggested, his reaction to a reasonable boundary will tell you whether this man is worth dating still.

This pussy footing around and second guessing every WhatsApp message true meaning drives me insane. Say what you mean and everything will be a lot clearer for both parties. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Either:

a) He is broke

b) Wants to push for sex as quickly as possible.

Just tell him you need to get to know a man properly before going to his house. If he has an issue then he is not the one for you.

They nearly always say they're looking for something long-term because that's what they think most women want to hear.

So much this! ^^

I find online you meet a lot of men just looking for sex. And even the ones looking for a relationship are happy to have sex with women they aren’t really into while trying to find a woman they actually want to date. And they show that in their behaviour.

Because there is a difference in wanting sex in the context of a relationship and just wanting sex.

Not everybody likes random shags with near strangers that lead nowhere.

I think that the poster who said be more blunt is 100% correct. Many people don’t do hints (especially if it’s a hint about something they want) and need to be told clearly that you’ll consider a home date in a month or whenever.

Your assessment of him being fast, intense and anxious are also things you should be concerned about…

Blame the sheer number of blokes who have sex and then leg it.

Of course women will be suspicious of men who just seem to be pushing for sex as quickly as possibke.

"Hey I'm not comfortable with a home date yet, we could always go on a walk or to {other free/cheap events} if you'd rather do that"

It was so much simpler when I was young (I'm 58): '

Do you want to come back for a coffee?' at the end of a date.
Everybody knew that meant SEX.

There are plenty of dating ideas that don't cost much money.

Most towns have museums, art galleries, craft fairs, markets, talks by local organisations on a variety of topics that are free, or go around a garden centre and then have a coffee afterwards. Or join the local beach clean up patrol - plenty of fresh air with that one !
These are often advertised in local publications as well as details of local clubs and societies.

That way you get to know if you have similar interests.

I agree with this too.

I reckon that that a man who uses the serious relationship line and doesn’t mean it, thinks that he will find women who don’t shag around so are “high quality” women. (Not my term, the sort of thing that a Tate follower would say) They believe that men should shag around but they don’t want a woman who does the same and a woman who isn’t looking for a casual hookup is more likely to agree to becoming a future booty call, sexting partner etc and save the guy the hassle of having to invest time in a new woman.

Depends on the man but unfortunately there's no way of knowing.Me and dh had a home date at mine on second date and slept together.Been together 12 years Married 9.

I’d be put off, yes. The only time I did a home date early on was with ex-DP because we started dating in the depths of Covid/lockdowns and everywhere was shut. But even then it was the third date, with date 1 & 2 being a walk and outdoor food market.

I'm not sure how someone can decide they want a long term relationship if they haven't had sex. I'd also suggest that if you aren't desperate for sex after two dates, you're never going to be.

She did not say that there are no men that want relationships.

But that she needs to look at his behaviour.

Words alone are meaningless.

Most men will say they are looking for long term because if they don’t their potential pool of women gets smaller.