Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

This with bells on ^

Be careful OP, this man is a virtual stranger to you.

Yes, this.

And the same people get very cross when posters on here say ‘Use your words’, because it’s ‘patronising’. Of course it’s patronising, but it’s also useful to realise that there’s really no point in moaning on Mn about how ‘He should have known X’ and ‘Isn’t it obvious to everyone that Y?’ when it clearly isn’t to those people, and the OP needs to verbalise her wishes or boundaries.

I’d be saying ‘If money is that tight, Dave, maybe postpone dating until you’re less skint?’

Do you not think there are any men out there who would quite like a long term relationship? No wonder men are so disheartened, lots of them absolutely want marriage, kids, family, long term and it seems loads of women are deeply cynical about it!

People with good salaries can still have issues like gambling, drugs etc
I’d expect him to bring the dog to a place where you could go for a walk rather than use the dog owner’s house for sex. A thermos of coffee costs pennies.

I suspect that looking for a long term relationship is a chat up line used by the serious and not so serious too.

Cynical about it when it is from a couple of dates in a pub buying a lemonade. this guy might want long-term, but what he really wants is whatever is easy.

You met him online, get on alright and have kissed him. It seems to me that there’s no real spark there and maybe you see him as friend material. I think he wants to seduce (I hate that word) you with his culinary skills in the kitchen and hopes for some shared intimacy between you that will lead to sex. If you felt any kind of sexual spark for him at this stage you might like that idea. It seems that you don’t, so just tell him straight that you’re not ready for that. I think you want to fall in love or feel lust and are feeling neither.
I wonder how long it would take before the offer of cooking a meal becomes a takeaway pizza as time goes on. Ask him about his cooking? Is it something he would put effort into?

I agree about wanting sex, but its not necessarily a bad thing. If I'd treated it as I red flag I wouldn't be married, have 3 children or my 6 grandchildren.

I do think there are men out there who want this and they behave differently to the ones who are after a quick shag.
Women (including me) are cynical because a lot of the men on online dating aren't interested in something longer term but will say any old shit to try to impress.
If the man is really interested in marriage, kids, family etc. they'll usually spend more time trying to get to know someone first and would certainly respect someone's boundaries if they said no to a home date rather than pushing the issue.

But how can you know that? My husband and I only had one date 'out', meals out are really expensive and its such an artificial atmosphere. Lots of people are more at ease and more able to be themselves and get to know someone in a home environment

Never mind about being after sex, it's the 'in the interests of saving money' that would be the massive turn off for me. I hate stinginess. He should be trying to appear his best right now and wooing you!

Otherwise, home dates don't bother me. Last guy I went out with, I went to his house at the end of the date and shagged the life out of him. He was chasing me for months afterwards but I'd lost interest.

I find it interesting that lots of us who are saying this sort of thing are in happy marriages with kids etc. A bloke being keen to have sex with us did not scare us off 😂

I've noticed this too. The last guy I met blocked me after the first date because I said no to him coming to my house the next day...

DP definitely wanted to impress me with his culinary skills, and it worked. I remember thinking that if this worked out I would never eat a bad meal again in my life, and by and large I haven't in 13 years.

That was technically date 1 but we'd already had sex (and did so again that night on account of the fact that the reason we were dating is because we were attracted to each other).

Apart from anything, you’ll be inviting a virtual stranger into your home, or going to the dog sitting house with a virtual stranger. You need to think about your personal safety.

It really depends what you want. Do you want a serious relationship?

I met a guy recently and we had sex on the second date. It went well and we are still seeing each other.

However i dont want a serious relationship with anyone.

Its important to talk and check that you want the same things.

Me and the guy im dating have talked and have agreed that neithet of us want a serious relationship. We agreed to be casual while also being nice and kind to each other. Its working really well.

You have to agree on what you want

It depends if OP has just communicated clearly that she prefers to wait a bit before doing home dates. The OP does sound like shes been avoiding it a bit trying to suggest other options when actually she just needs to communicate clearly. If he is then being pushy and not respecting that then sure, cut him loose.

Just be upfront with him and tell him that you want to get to know him better first. Much better to be clear about what you want and that you don't want to move too fast to sleeping together.

In my OLD days the sheer number of men who wanted a home date as first meet and got offended with a polite ‘no let’s meet first a drink/coffee’

One says I was accusing him of being a rapist - bit of an overreaction!!

Nothing wrong with wanting sex after a couple of dates if that’s what both parties want but when a polite no is ignored and boundaries pushed then that’s the red flag.

Yes, of course there are, but they tend to be happy to take things slowly and respect boundaries.

Not going to a strange mans house early on in the association isn't being cynical, it's being sensible.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7276754.stm

How is he be g pushy? He suggested home dates along with an out of home alternative, you selected the out of home option and he was happy with that.

maybe he just wants sex, maybe he thought it would be more relaxing not being out only time will tell but o don’t see how he’s being pushy.

He may well be looking after his mate's dog but the reason he wants you to go there is because he can't take you to his as his wife is there. Block him.

Now that's a possibility I never thought of !

Its true that women have to think of their safety on dates more then men.

However a man recently told me that when he goes on dates from online dating, and a woman asks him to go to her house, he is also scared that she could be a serial killer and will kill him (or have a man there ready to attack him and steal his wallet)

Its the world we live in. We are all scared.

Your DH wanted to impress you (and obviously did) but the Ops date isn't trying to impress her much. Why does a man with a decent job have no money _ addictions/CMS/gambling? I'd want a lot more talking to find out before I considered a at home date

Red flag! I didn't even let my DH know where I lived for the first 4 months of dating while I was sussing out if we were well matched.