Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

Why did you not feel you could just say no instead of saying you catch everything?

I wanted to see if he would change his story and say he actually felt ok 😂But I'd already decided on seeing his text that I wouldn't be seeing him. He knew I'd already said I wouldn't meet in private, and at the time we both had lots of free time so if he was genuine he could have rearranged if he were really ill

"He also did say in the interests of saving money about the home date, however he is a man with a reasonable job and no kids so I've no idea why he would be skint."
I was going to say maybe he's a bit tight, so that would be a huge red flag for me (having had an ex who was paranoid about money).
I'd just say meeting on line is different to getting to know someone face to face beforehand, and you're more comfortable with getting to know one another out and about for a while.
If he's not picked up on your vibe that should make it clear to him. If he still pushes after that I'd bin him.

The irony here is that you're generalising, because we've actually had a discussion going and several women have said they think early home dates are fine, but you don't seem to be capable of perceiving women as a disparate group of people even with the evidence right in front of you.

Added to that is the other huge factor that you've missed despite it being on clear display (that pitch women speak at that's inaudible to some men, I guess, even when written) and that's safety. Your biggest fear is that women might not go back to yours, our biggest fear is that it's because if we do, you might rape and kill us, because it does happen. We all know that if you do, people will respond by saying how stupid we were to go to the home of a man we hardly knew. But we pick up on this, act accordingly, and somehow you're the victim, because women shouldn't be allowed to generalise.

And on top of all that is the age old phenomenon of a bloke seeking out a largely female forum and then complaining about the unfairness of it centring women rather than being a paragon of perfect blind justice in everything (or, centring men instead) but that's absolutely constant and too boring now to go into great detail.

Bottom line: we don't have to go home with you if we don't want to and we don't actually have to give you a reason at all, so be grateful for the insight.

Well done you. My relative did OLD for years. She said men always turn the conversation to sex, she used to insist on some phone calls before agreeing to meet up, any that started talking about sex on those calls were non starters as far as she was concerned. Yes we can choose to have Sex on the first date of we so choose. However our safety and mental wellbeing should be our prime concern.

Exactly! And plenty of abuse arises from people who have been known for years.

One of the indicators of domestic abuse is a relationship that moves quickly.

I’m a woman.

For the sake of argument I'll pretend to believe that. The points still stand. Some women imbibe this stuff, about women all being the same (with a funny blind spot for themselves, not realising that their own dissent disproves their accusation of hive mindedness even if they failed to spot it in others), and men being victims of women's unreasonable desire to stay safe or not do as men want. The response to it all remains just as true.

You cannot be struggling that much with what I said - surely?

The point I was making - exactly.

Treat woman as individuals instead of a specific game to be played and then you won’t think in terms of “you cannot get it right!”

You can get it right with the right person.

Home dates involve almost zero effort and expense for men.
But more important than that for them - they're far more likely to get laid.

You have a fuckboy looking for fuck.

Personally, I would bin him.

As an aside, it's funny that women are accused of generalising men and being too hive minded, while also being accused of being too disparate in terms of what they want so that men "can't win".

Who can't win?

Right - apparently it’s bad we all don’t think alike!

If there's any chance of it being because he's skint and not just a shagger, see how he reacts to a suggestion of a walk and coffee in a park, instead of pub? (As long as its in daylight and he's not wanting to DTD in the bushes)

I mean I am sure there are men who suggest home dates without ulterior motives but I have yet to meet one.

So for me it’s simple: agree to a home date where there is a strong chance I will be pestered / hit on for sex. Or find the guy wants to date with zero effort.

Or

Refuse a home date and only go on traditional dates in public where there is next to zero chance of being pestered for sex / low chance of becoming emotionally invested in a low effort guy only seeking sex.

Seems like a no brainer for me personally.

Also if a guy turns out to be aggressive / a nasty person, I prefer to learn that in public than in private.

I haven’t said women are all the same. I’m simply pointing out the irony of women complaining that men treat them as a homogeneous group at the same time as saying men are all the same and only after one thing.

And I'm pointing out the irony of you saying this while not realising it isn't true because several women have said they're fine with early home dates and you even claim to be one of them yourself. And the irony of then complaining that men "can't win" because women as a class aren't individually predictable enough.

And adding that even if it were true, it really doesn't matter because women don't need to give a reason for not wanting to go to a man's house, and they aren't obliged to ignore safety concerns lest they be accused of generalising.

This quote and the original quote with bells on.

I had one guy (OLD) attempt to turn a drinks date at a bar into an at home date at the last minute; i.e. I was dressed and ready to go and meet him, and received a message just as was about to leave the house claiming he was tired, so we should meet at his house first, before going out.

None of what he was saying made any kind of sense, however I’m pretty sure it must have worked for him in the past, hence him trying to see if I’d go for it. Needless to say, that “date” didn’t go ahead.

One man I came across on OLD refused to meet outside of his house, and kept inviting me for at home dates. insisting that the only reason I could have to say we had to meet in public was because I wanted to a free meal off him 🤣🤣🤣

Again, that date never happened!

It’s simple.

If you want to date someone but don’t want to have sex with them yet, don’t go to their house.

If you don’t want to go to their house because you’re worried they might be a serial killer, don’t date them.

If you never want to have sex with them, don’t date them.

Yes, but that's all entirely irrelevant to all the complaints and accusations about generalising and how men can't "win" because women aren't all the same.

My point is that some of the women on this thread are doing that to men - making vast sweeping statements like ‘all men want is sex’/‘if they want a home date they just want a shag’

It’s just not true. Men are all different too you know.

I’ve dated a lot of men in the last few years. Some have asked to go home with me on the first date. Sometimes - shock horror - I have. Others want lots of ‘public’ dates and seem nervous about progressing things. Others suggest a ‘home date’ on the third date. Still others have wanted to do this but I’ve held back and we’ve waited.

Here’s the thing: not one of them has turned out to be a weirdo, a stalker or a serial killer. I’ve used my judgement.

Different relationships move at a different pace. It’s really not fair to blame people for wanting to have sex with someone they fancy.

My point is that some of the women on this thread are doing that to men - making vast sweeping statements like ‘all men want is sex’/‘if they want a home date they just want a shag’

Yes, I know. You said that already. And my response to that is that a) you're doing the generalising, while apparently being a woman who doesn't subscribe to that idea and therefore disproving your own accusation b) you're further disproving yourself by also claiming that the poor men "can't win" because actually not all women react the same way to everything, almost as if we're people and c) even if your accusations and complaints were true, it doesn't matter, because in the interests of safety and consent, women can have any bloody thought process they like. They're not obliged to go home with anyone and they don't owe him an explanation.

I get it, I get it, you're not like other girl and you're well cool, but can you please lay off poo-pooing our consent like that? As if there's a morally dubious way of deciding you don't want to go to some guy's house, as if your thought process on your own consent can in some way be unfair to men?

It's not just women, many men make the exact same statements about men when they're warning their daughters about them.

Some women say 'all men are the same' and don't date.
Others say it but they know that it's not all, just a lot, so they continue to date, hopeful that they may find one who is not the same.

Different relationships move at a different pace. It’s really not fair to blame people for wanting to have sex with someone they fancy.

Not fair in what way? Are we not even allowed to think something?