Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

It's as pushy as hell. Don't let this man know where you live.

Obviously not.

And he's obviously after only one thing. That's what is becoming very obvious...

If you don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who feels comfortable pushing your boundaries after 5 minutes, then don’t be. Move on already.

Just let him know directly that there will not be home dates. If he keeps pushing it and begging etc - then he doesn’t respect boundaries and that’s a big massive red flag. 🚩

There could be something behind it -like not being able to afford going out. In which case you can offer to take turns paying or pay for yourself.

Could also just be looking for a quick shag. You never know with men.

Do you have any dates that are low cost? Maybe it is a budgeting thing, how does he react when you suggest something low cost.

I do think people seem to be a bit unfair on blokes these days, so critical if the guy would quite like to have sex, is it so awful if a man clearly clearly fancies you and would quite like to have sex a few dates in? So many women seem to view that as like, predatory behaviour... Ladies if you dont fancy them throw them back? Plenty of adult women enjoy sex, its not like you are losing your virginity for the first time its just sex 😂

He wants sex and is tight with money. In the bin he goes.

He can’t read a room can he? His lack or perceptiveness (or him trying to barge past your “slow down” signals) would put me right off I’m afraid.

He also did say in the interests of saving money about the home date, however he is a man with a reasonable job and no kids so I've no idea why he would be skint.

I knew it would be a money-saving thing - what a cheapskate after only two dates!

It would be better to be upfront Op, tell him you're not up for home dates until you know him better and feel ready for sex with him, if he ghosts you then you have your answer. You'll feel worse if you have sex to keep him and he still dumps you

The dates been in a pub with soft drinks. I've suggested buying a round but he declined and said he would buy. I don't know, there are plenty of things you can do that are low cost like go for walks in places and grab a coffee. The places we've gone for drinks are average price, not expensive places.

I don't think its necessarily a licence to try to push strangers into home dates too soon just because you are struggling with money, the person probably has to think of other ideas or not date I think.

You have intuition for a reason - listen to it. He's being too pushy and that rarely ends well.

He also needs to put a bit of bloody effort in. Two dates and he already wants to Netflix and chill? Zero effort at the start isn't going to improve with time.

This!

Sorry, seems like I am the only one who immediately jumps to an assessment of personal safety when they think about being in a private home with a man they've only met twice.

Ok, so I have had more than one bad experience in this kind of situation so maybe I am a bit more alert to it than most but I would definitely not be alone with someone in a private house on a second or third date.

I wonder how they would respond if you gave that as a reason?

Maybe say you are happy to go for a coffee, get fish and chips on a sea front or just see each other less frequently to keep costs down but want to meet up lots more before you'll feel comfortable in each other's homes.

Whatever you do, don't be pressured into an unsafe situation.

Let us know how it goes.

Also, maybe I should stop watching so much crime drama? 😂

It is normal to want to have sex with someone you're dating. Being attracted to them is kind of the point?

He wants a shag.
I don't believe all of these men saying they are interested in something long term. They know that most women are looking for that, so they just say it. If he really was interested in something long term he wouldnt be in a hurry to shag and would have a few dates with you first before moving on to sex.

He's pushy and I wouldn't like that. You've said you don't want a "home date" and yet he's still pushing that. A decent bloke would have thought "Oops, maybe I moved a bit fast there" and would have suggested other dates for a while, perhaps even waiting for you to make the suggestion of coming to yours. The dogsitting date at the dog's house is weird too.

It's not suggesting the home date nor the wanting sex that's the problem (some women might want that at that point too) but the pushing of the issue.

And I always say that if you have to come onto MN to ask about something like this then he's definitely not the guy for you.

If you have said no and he continues to push, stop seeing him.
He isnt prepared to invest more than a couple of soft drinks and want to get to your house, this isnt going anywhere positive.

Either he has financial issues, or more likely, he just wants sex I'm afraid.

If you were really suited to each other, I don't think you'd be in this situation now.

most people can read other people

OP you are going to have a very difficult time in life (not just dating) if you assume this.

Most people actually can't telepathically understand what you want if you insist on hinting rather than spelling things out. You are going to have to learn to say what you want and to say it clearly - not just in this situation but in general.

People who insist on hinty-hinty non-communication do my head in tbh.

I went out with someone like that years ago. (Long before Netflix and chill).
After 2 dates he decided we weren't going to go out anywhere any more but meet at my place or his and sit around watching TV while waiting to shag. (I didn't want to shag him at that point as I like to get to know someone a bit better first - I need some kind of emotional connection before having sex).

Dumped him because he wasn't right for me. Might have been ok for other people. And that's the thing, it's always about what's right for you and whether he matches up with your wants and needs.

I'm appalled that he has invited you for a home date at the home of the dogs he is sitting! 😂

You can't know his motivations for sure; you can only talk and try to be clear as possible about your own perspective. If you feel pressured and he isn't responding in a way that takes your stated perspective into consideration, I'm thinking that you very likely have a compatibility issue and it may just be best to end the dating with him, and move on.

Dates at home early on - how boring! You should be going out doing stuff together.

Then there's the sex thing.

Yeah, you're incompatible.

I think absolutely you could mention personal safety as a reason. His response to this will be quite telling. It’s not something men generally have to consider. But my thoughts would be sex.

My husband wanted to invite me on a home date for our 3rd date. He's a really good cook and wanted to impress me. I just said that I wasn't ready so early to go to someone's house. It was no problem and he just waited until I was ready. When I spoke to him about it when we were established, he hasn't considered the safety issue. This is only really a red flag if you've said you're not ready to go to someone's house and they push it. If he accepts it and goes at your pace, then surely it's not an issue?

Yes my husband of well over a decade of happy marriage invited me for a home date on date 3. Pretty sure he wanted to impress me a bit with the fact that a) he had his own house and b) wanting to sort of wine and dine me a bit, cook for me etc!
Not everything is about blokes wanting to get their leg over!