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Original poster

Men suggesting home dates early on

420 replies

Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 09:44

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

OP posts:
dollyblue01 · 18/10/2025 13:10

You don’t have to have sex , you can say no it’s too early, he may just want to spend time with you and get to know you abit better, not all men are like that.

ComedyGuns · 18/10/2025 13:13

SquadGoals75 · 18/10/2025 10:19

Huge red flags!!! Please be careful.

This!!!

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 13:14

dollyblue01 · 18/10/2025 13:10

You don’t have to have sex , you can say no it’s too early, he may just want to spend time with you and get to know you abit better, not all men are like that.

the other context is that he lives around an hour away, so i think he would be expecting staying over

OP posts:
Tryingatleast · 18/10/2025 13:14

Either sec or he wants to jump into the cosy, curl up on the couch watching tv as a couple stage. You both sound very different, Id say go with whatever your gut says

Sequinsoneverythingplease · 18/10/2025 13:15

He isn’t looking for “long term”. You’ll likely be “ghosted” the minute the deed is done. Just be aware.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:18

YoureNotGoingOutLikeThat · 18/10/2025 11:56

It may be that you are on different expectation trajectories. Some men like to find out early if you are sexually compatible. Some women like the men to show they respect them by making them wait. My advice is if you want to sleep with him, then do so and if you don't then don't (likewise for men). Doesn't matter if it is the first date or fifty-first. He may decide not to wait and may think you are not interested in him in that way.

This thread does show up some fascinating insights on how we view men and women and dating in the 2020s. There is still the air of women not giving sex to men until they get to know them, the perception that men are only interested in sex rather than connection that could be long term. It's almost like nothing has really changed since women's lib.

Not wanting to jump into bed with a stranger and wanting ensure the person you are dating has the same intent as you, has nothing to do with women’s lib

AzureCats · 18/10/2025 13:21

All the doubt of whether he's just up for a shag would be cleared up if you just said "I take a while and several dates to get to know someone before going to their house (for sex)". Absolutely just wasting your own time otherwise. As PP said you'd soon get blocked if that's all they wanted. No hand wringing, heart break, double guessing, wasting time on the wrong guy.

And yup also agree with PO, just cos a guy wants sex doesn't mean you have to take your clothes off at the mere suggestion. Like yeah maybe I felt the pressure when I was 20 to please and perform, but by my late twenties I knew what I wanted and what I didn't. Have absolutely no problem saying no to sex whatever the circumstances. It's just part of growing up and knowing what you want from life.

Petrie999 · 18/10/2025 13:21

I also think there is something here about men being clueless as to why these situations feel less safe, and why women may need to feel more comfortable before inviting someone into their home. Not everyone of course, but some of my friends who are dating now take a more cautious approach (after one was stalked at her address following a date that ended badly). This is really reasonable as a reason, and something a lot of men don't even think about

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:24

Doodlingsquares · 18/10/2025 12:53

I find it really interesting that so many consider a home date as 'low effort'... Id say its the opposite? A bloke inviting you to his home is likely going to be tidying up, cleaning a bit before you come, may be intending to cook for you which entails shopping, planning. How is that low effort?

You assume he will actually do all that….! 😄

pikkumyy77 · 18/10/2025 13:24

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:02

Exactly!

Hosting someone and making it nice is much more effort than just going to a restaurant and getting the credit card out. I also think that assessing a man's ability to host, cook and clean is a bit more important in terms of assessing relationship potential than picking a decent restaurant.

Also, how much you want to have sex with someone has absolutely nothing to do with how much effort they do or don't put into a date. It's to do with how hot they are.

Show quote history

Speak for yourself.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:29

gannett · 18/10/2025 12:57

People who don't want random shags are free to say no to them. It's still not a red flag to want sex.

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I did not say it was a red flag. But you seemed confused as to why a woman may find it a problem if the man she barely knew was pushing for sex as early as possible.

Worried198423 · 18/10/2025 13:30

2 dates in,your practically strangers.
You're right notcto give your address.
He's making you feel like this,that's a sign.
He's pushing way too hard.
Just text him there will be no home dates in either house until you know each other better.
You'll know by his response what you should do.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:32

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:04

Wanting sex and being eager to get to know you are not mutually exclusive. One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

In my experience you never fully know anyone for years anyway. I'm not waiting that long to have sex!

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LOL!!

One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

Having sex with somebody tells you exactly zero about that person.

BlueJuniper94 · 18/10/2025 13:32

gannett · 18/10/2025 10:36

I really don't understand why wanting sex is a bad thing in a man you're dating.

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Many women would prefer to build a strong emotional connection with their partner beforehand. Often men are just looking for sex alone and pretending they are interested in more to gain that sex. Many women feel temporary sterile relations like these are a waste of their time and energy. And bad for mental health.

BlueJuniper94 · 18/10/2025 13:33

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:32

LOL!!

One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

Having sex with somebody tells you exactly zero about that person.

Show quote history

Agreed, sex is the least. Bonnie Blue and Lily Phillips can surely attest to this.

BlueJuniper94 · 18/10/2025 13:34

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:29

I did not say it was a red flag. But you seemed confused as to why a woman may find it a problem if the man she barely knew was pushing for sex as early as possible.

Show quote history

It's a clear sign of disrespect.

YoureNotGoingOutLikeThat · 18/10/2025 13:37

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:18

Not wanting to jump into bed with a stranger and wanting ensure the person you are dating has the same intent as you, has nothing to do with women’s lib

Show quote history

I think the discourse on here has broadly been about men being only interested in sex at the earliest opportunity and women deciding when the right time is in terms of number of dates rather than when she feels it is right suggests we are still performing patriarchal ideals. I mean, as women we have the societal pressure of not giving in too early, lest he think we are easy and will lose interest.

That's just a comment on the discourse theme rather than OPs issue.

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:38

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:29

I did not say it was a red flag. But you seemed confused as to why a woman may find it a problem if the man she barely knew was pushing for sex as early as possible.

Show quote history

It doesn't need to be a problem. If you don't want sex then say no. Wanting sex is fine, not wanting sex is fine.

As someone who has enjoyed a lot of casual sex I never found it hard to say no when I didn't want it. Even when I was back at the man's house already! I just said sorry, not up for it tonight, then we either just cuddled a bit or I made my excuses and left. No drama. Obviously if he sulked about it that would be the end of seeing him, but it's still not a problem.

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:39

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:32

LOL!!

One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

Having sex with somebody tells you exactly zero about that person.

Show quote history

It tells you about your sexual compatibility which is fairly fundamental to whatever kind of relationship ensues.

neveragainmilly · 18/10/2025 13:39

No you should give me sex as soon as they request it
.....

That's what these men think

Tink3rbell30 · 18/10/2025 13:39

Massive ick!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 18/10/2025 13:40

Petrie999 · 18/10/2025 13:21

I also think there is something here about men being clueless as to why these situations feel less safe, and why women may need to feel more comfortable before inviting someone into their home. Not everyone of course, but some of my friends who are dating now take a more cautious approach (after one was stalked at her address following a date that ended badly). This is really reasonable as a reason, and something a lot of men don't even think about

I remember meeting one guy - it was only the second time we'd met and I had arranged to phone a friend when I arrived at the pub where we were meeting just to be safe. I was actually on the phone to her as I got out of my car and walked across to where he was sitting outside. I apologised for being on the phone and told him that I'd just rung a friend to say I'd arrived. He said 'do you always have to phone someone when you go somewhere?' and I knew it was doomed. He just didn't understand how vulnerable a woman is when meeting an unknown man away from home.

AquaForce · 18/10/2025 13:45

I've struggled to get past a third date as I won't 'home date' (shag) that early. Some were quite vocal about it.

One said that if I didn't guarantee up front to shag on the next (second) date, he wasn't wasting any more time on me. Some have been exasperated at me refusing to take them home after a first date. I was once told it was like dating a teenager and was ditched after date number two. I nearly choked at dinner when one asked when I thought we'd start having sex.

I hardly knew any of these men. I refuse to be nudged into something I don't want to do. I'm not taking a stranger home or going to there's if I don't want to either.

I heard someone (a woman!) online say women my age (40+) should have sex on the first date as we're too old to be worth waiting for. So there's that....

I don't know what the answer is OP Flowers

Footloosefiona · 18/10/2025 13:45

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:32

LOL!!

One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

Having sex with somebody tells you exactly zero about that person.

Show quote history

Quite !

All it tells you is how big their 'assets' are.

End of.

Ladyloubs84 · 18/10/2025 13:47

I’ve been with my OH 12 years. We had a home date on the 3rd date. He cooked. I went to his. I slept in the spare room. He woke me up in the morning with a cup of tea.
depends on the guy, depends on where you are comfortable.
make it clear you don’t feel comfortable yet, he might be sitting at home thinking you are high maintenance wanting to go out all the time. Just have an honest conversation- if it doesn’t go well you know he’s a dude after all ride and dive.
Dont just walk away over what could be a simple misunderstanding!