To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

I agree that there are some young ones who need some encouragement but your way sounds very tough. My ds is 16 and at 6th form. He works a few hours in pub, whuch pays for his mobile phone and social stuff. He's welcome to stay here for as long as he needs but he will be expected to contribute financially after hes finished education and do his own washing etc. Minimum wage is 1,500ish after dedictions(this is what I am on, so I know). It's impossible to leave home on that with the cost of housing today. Not everyone can get great jobs today, the job market is rubbish

Agree

Its between 700-800 for a room in my area.

It depends what era we are harking back to, but the job market is very different now to my era.

The 18 year olds I know who didnt go to uni or get an apprentiships really struggle to get full time work. Entry level office stuff is rare and going to graduates. Everywhere retail gives 16 or 18 hours, but you cant get a second job easily because they move shifts about and you can sometimes get extra shifts but not always.

I actually thought this thread was going to be about people being over-protective as their kids grow up, which makes it more difficult for them to function as adults. And I definitely think this is true.

Independence has to be developed gradually. It wouldn't be fair to suddenly turn out a completely coddled child onto the streets at 18 - like releasing a cage-reared bird all of a sudden. Parents should be helping their children develop resilience, decision-making skills etc from a young age really. Then when they get to 18, even if they can't move out immediately, they should at least be functioning adults who can get on themselves, contribute to the household either through rent or chores, etc.

I don't think it's too much parenting. I think it's both too much of the wrong parenting and too little or a total lack of the right parenting. Lots of kids are turning up to school not potty trained with bad teeth and no reading, writing or comprehension skills.

1. The soft touch leads to entitlement, ie spare the rod, spoil the child. They turn into disrespectful, entitled arseholes who might have a few brushes with the law in later life and become known to police, in such that the state becomes the parent.

2. Leaving kids to watch cartoons on a phone or tablet leads to poor health and no understanding of the world around them.

You had a child. Do you want them? Was it easy to fall pregnant or did it take a number of years? The couples that fight for years and endure several miscarriages are more likely to love and appreciate their children a whole lot more than a couple that just 'popped them out'.

Raise your kids, or adopt them out to someone who will.

My DS still lives at home, he does his own washing, cleans his own room, and is expected to chip on with other household chores. Since he was small, I have never accepted that he is bored, there has always been plenty to do. Also he knows that life isn't about being happy all the time, if young people are constantly being told they deserve to be happy all the time, when they aren't, they have no idea how to handle it, and that it's normal, it doesn't mean they're depressed, it's just life.

Op, you had Cahms and other forms of support. Don't you realise how lucky that was? When I was a teen, such things didn't exist.

I was 5th child of a violent & abusive f, a downtrodden m. A FSM family, and no help from anyone. I had a job at 13, and was stressed, bullied and exhausted by the time I (flukily) landed my a'levels and escaped to a poly.
Why would I want my ds to suffer the same? Childhood is for having fun and for learning confidence and competence.

Parents should help their dcs to launch. Mine made my life so miserable I fled.

There is a happy middle ground, and that will be different for every individual.

I'm not sure you are being far aboit how easy it is to move out of home. Rent has very much exceed that inflation rate of the value of money.

Mind you, you would have had to have left home around 1980 for your £600 to be equivalent to £2,000ish in today's money.
Considering you've revealed you're in your mid-30s, the £600 you had would be £1,000 or less in today's money.

Don’t we have near on a million EHCPs? If a ‘lot’ more children need them then that’s a huge concern. Why do so many children need one?

No, I don't think we spend "too long" parenting children, parenting is for life & doesn't stop at 18.

And there we have in a nutshell why so many adults are totally incapable of coping with the slightest problems that life throws at us.

My DC were working within weeks of finishing university. Uni ended and their allowances ended. If they wanted to go out and have a social life and/or buy stuff, they needed money.

They have been supported with a home and food whilst they got themselves together to move out. One is married, one is with us 3/4 nights and the rest of the time with her boyfriend.

We are in easy reach of London which helps but neither DH nor I had that level of support, emotionally. It was a loss and Inamnglad our dc have known sufficient love to be happy to return after uni.

But was that before social media? I’m sure mums and dads pre Facebook would have gone in the paper shop and whilst chatting may have said our Rebecca is after a job do you know if anything, oh yes the current paper girl/boy is finishing next week tell her to pop in.

I didn’t have ‘other forms of support’. I had SSRIs and a form tutor who checked in once a month to make sure my chaotic home life wasn’t affecting my school work (it was). And 18/19 is not ‘childhood’

Yes, people want to be their child's friend and not upset them. Well sometimes kids are going to be upset and not have what they want and you're going to be the one that says no you cant do that or have that.

What is this based on? I am strict with my dc and not interested in being their friend, I'm not unusual.

That's true

Deferring children is not part of the problem, studies have shown that it’s actually beneficial when it comes to teenage years.
Both mine were deferred, but at the P7 residential had to show most of the other children how to put a duvet cover.

It’s about teaching children life skills from a young age eg. Why are some parents still cutting up apples for their child’s packed lunch in P7 when children are perfectly capable of making their own??

There have been periods of much higher unemployment.

With the same high housing costs?

lots of interesting points so far.

I agree it’s harder for young adults to move out and be young independent adults but I think parents can encourage independence whilst still living at home. Not funding their lifestyle, when they don’t work and not using MH, ND as an excuse to not adult when they actually could cope with a bit of support or even a push!

We have built a generation without resilience and that everything should be good all the time and if you feel down one day it’s MH and that is the older generations fault! A lot of kids are looking for problems in their life to fit in with their peers!

I work with a colleague who’s child is early 20s never worked etc and barely helps them around the house - parent working full time, close to retirement not in great physical shape but the child doesn’t help out around house, walk dogs because of anxiety but can go shopping with bf, holiday aboard on her own! My job as a parent is to prepare my child for the world, for them to be independent not shield them for all heartache and pain!

Yes really interesting observation about being happy all the time, as adult I’m only now realising that the goal isn’t to be happy all the time. It’s an unattainable desire that sets us up for disappointment and too much pressure. Not really thought about it before. Probably worse now in the world of social media with all the comparison and higher expectations of what “happy” is.

But children in some communities could be considered to be stifled in other ways. What opportunities do they have to go to university without an education if they wanted to? What options do teenage girls realistically have aside from find a husband, keep house and have children?

In our grandparents generation kids left school at 14 and got a job. They were out in the workforce and earning for nearly a decade before this current generation which naturally made them grow up quicker.

Did they actually grow up quicker? I think there were just as many mental health issues which is why so many relied on alcohol etc to cope.

Far too many teens go to university. A lot of the threads I’m talking about are about depressed graduates for whom a sudden life of work can’t live up to the 3 years of partying and ‘studying’ for 2/3 hours a day.

The whole ferrying kids about thing is crazy. My friend's teenage kids will ask her to run them to town when they live 5 minutes walk from the station and the train takes 15 minutes.

I agree, I struggled with severe anxiety as a teen but there was still an expectation that I got a part time job alongside college.

As a parent it’s not good to enable mental health problems by allowing teens to opt out of real life. My teen dd is ND and has had periods of time where she’s struggled with her mental health but staying at home and not contributing is not an option.

Because the education system is absolutely broken.