To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

"Ds and his friends are all coming up to work experience and most of their parents are fixing the placements for them. "

To be honest, this happened when I was a teenager in the 90s too. I was about 15 when I had my first work experience placement. Comically young when you consider that I didn't get my first proper job in an office until I was 23.

You had a child. Do you want them? Was it easy to fall pregnant or did it take a number of years? The couples that fight for years and endure several miscarriages are more likely to love and appreciate their children a whole lot more than a couple that just 'popped them out'.

Says who?

I think as usual the truth lies somewhere in the middle. If your young adult child can't afford to rent anywhere - because rents are sky high - then it's logical to have them live with you. However, the dynamic has to change. I've had both my adult DC live with me - eldest is currently here. She's working, learning to drive and saving. I don't need rent from her because I own my house outright, but she contributes towards costs and absolutely pulls her weight in terms of housework. We are no longer parent and child, we are housemates and it works brilliantly.

This does mean both parties have to step away from the old dynamic and embrace a new one.

Why? Supporting your children goes on throughout your life, I don't mean financially necessarily but emotionally.

My parents support me & now they are older I support them when they need it. That's called being part of a family.

How old are your children?

Sorry quoting you out of laziness but intending to quote you and the person you’re responding to. I do think there is an issue around authority and discipline also, although that could be for a whole other thread.

My kids go to a good school but behaviour is still a massive issue, I think back to my school days and whilst of course there was also poor behaviour it wasn’t on the level we have now, there just doesn’t seem to be respect for authority like there used to be. I don’t believe respect always needs to be earned, you should just respect teachers etc. And I wonder if some of these kids that aren’t being raised without good discipline and respect are the ones with a sense of entitlement not equipping them for the future.

I’m personally a strict parent, but would often refer to my approach as old school.

Yikes when did this happen? I left Scotland at the 19 but growing up in the 90s people were starting primary 1 aged 4/5. It was unheard of to be older than 5 starting in p1.

I think there a balance that needs to be struck, the life expectancy for your grandparents generation was probably younger and they could retire at what - 60/65?

We are living longer now, don’t need to rush out and start working full time at 14 or 16 or even 18 (if you’re in full time higher education) especially given the fact some will be working well into their 70s.

That said, as I’ve said upthread I do agree some parents aren’t empowering their kids to lead independent lives and attain their full potential.

I agree, people also seem less willing to house share. I lived in shared houses till I was 30, it made it more affordable.

Online life has made it easier for people to have a social life but in doing so it means people do not need to leave their homes. It has both helped and hindered the socially inept.

Yes i agree with you, too many people do go to university, but there aren't a lot of other options and it's an easy way for children to take an opportunity to fly the nest at 18 , which is exactly what you are saying should happen.

So I'm not really clear on what you're saying here.

Do you want young people to fly the nest at 18 or don't you? If they fly the nest at 18 but don't go to uni, where are they supposed to go in this day and age?

@TorroFerney I think my parents did get me the paper round and the salon was owned by a family friend. Even the retail job was through a friend.

When I look in restaurants, supermarkets etc now the staff are older vs when I was younger.

It's not a new thing. Over 20 years ago and when not many people had mobile phones, I worked in a local telephone banking call centre
"I'm ringing on behalf of my son for his balance".
"How old is your son?"
" He's 34"
" Sorry, because of customer confidentiality I can only give him the information, is he there with you? "
"No he's out but I'm his mother".

I now work as a GP Receptionist and mothers ring for their adult children, mostly men, and their husbands, no learning difficulties or disability. It seems the problem is with women mollycoddling their men folk. They then come on MN complaining that the said men can't or won't do things that fully functioning human beings should be doing themselves.

Since I was 16 I have never asked my parents to do anything for me, they've done their job of raising me to be an independent, capable adult.

We dont have near a million. There is 638,745. Ehcps run until people are 25 so this isnt all school aged children.

Why are some parents still cutting up apples for their child’s packed lunch in P7 when children are perfectly capable of making their own??

A chopped apple tastes nicer than non chopped!

We have built a generation without resilience

Which generation had a load of resilience?

Yeah I wouldn’t have been able to leave home so easily at age 19 if I hadn’t went to uni.

I took a year out after school and worked and a little bit of travel before going to uni at 19 in England (and I’m from Scotland) living not only away from home but in a new place opened up a lot of things for me and helped me with confidence and independence.

I was always very academic but even the ones at uni who weren’t seemed to benefit from it and did come out with some kind of degree that gave them various skills.

This.

The parents who are allowing their kids to sit around doing nothing are not being good parents.

The kids sit there playing games online not knowing how to work a washing machine, hoover, put the bins out, chang a bed, dont walk their own dog three times a day.

They moan about everything and say they are depressed. Maybe they wouldn’t be if the contributed something positive to their household or did a voluntary role in the community. They need made to do this.

I’d have been be forced to get a job. Any job. Just to get me into the routine and get a reference for a better one at that age.

Have you not considered that many of us are over parenting our young adults because we were subject to a different style of parenting?

My parents were hands off from mid teens and I was a very resilient and self reliant young person. But I felt like no one really cared about me and when in later years I needed help I couldn’t ask for it and stayed in a bad situation much longer than I should. I didn’t want my children to feel like I did as a young adult.

But an 18 year old from my community is usually working and has already bought their first car/van and is saving significantly towards their own home. Our young adults know how to successfully run a home and look after children.

Some of us value education though

Far too many teens go to university.

University is a good learning experience as you can escape your parents & many jobs now require degrees so it's a difficult one.

I think OP wasn't just talking about financial support, which a lot of posters were talking about.

I think it's more that kids are not being brought up to be independent, and rely on help and support in everything.

We (police) have had new recruits where their parents are ringing up and asking their children's bosses for birthdays off, or not to have to work nights because they don't like the dark, still grounding them (!) for transgressions such as being late home, and detaining their devices (incl work phones)

Many of my colleagues don't like using the phone, or they have to go to a meeting room to make calls so they're away from colleagues.

I (partly) put this down to a slow demise of social interactions; fewer impromptu phone conversations due to a decline in landlines where all family members had to answer and speak to people; fewer appointments being made on phone as it's often online now.

I was lucky to get a Saturday job when I was 13 and over the following 6 years this prepared me for uni and then getting a job.

Sadly a lot of places just wouldn't employ that aged person now and a lot of parents also wouldn't let their kids do that now, either. Some kids aren't allowed to walk home, or go to a shop on their own.

Children have been permitted to socialise mainly online and now struggle with real life interactions.

Most young people aren’t on Facebook so if you see parents asking on there if there are any jobs going for their 16yo, that might be the reason.

Some of you saying you left home young because your parents/home life were crap, are you saying that was a good thing. MIL was told she couldn’t go to grammar school, she went to secondary modern, left at 15 with no qualifications to go into work until she got married and had babies at 19. Is this the life you want us to go back to?

And too many teens going to university, wasn’t that Tony Blair saying he wanted at least 50% of young people going to university. When I went it was under 10%. More jobs require degrees eg nursing. Not so easy to start at the bottom with no qualifications and work your way up.

Children needed them before OP, it's just they were left to mask and cope the best they could or ended up being expelled.

I'm autistic (tip toe walking, speech impediment, difficulty with relationships etc). No one gave a toot, I was attention seeking, it was affectation.

Mental health care has advanced and conditions are now recognised, that is all.

I agree. I am confused by a lot of things these days and I'm only in my early 40s.

Many people seem reluctant for their child to get a part time job when at school/uni.

Also they seem reluctant to allow children to get taxis etc, staying up until the early hours to pick their kids up from nights out.

Seem to think they can't afford to move out until 30s. There are loads of properties around me that are very cheap. They might not be in the nicest area or be the nicest flats/houses but surely you just accept if you want to move out that's what you can afford and you will move up the property ladder as time goes on hopefully.

I am on holiday with my 21 year old niece this week who was practically dragged up and she is so independent and capable, it's made me think I am doing far too much for my kids.

Exactly. It’s not just the academic value I got out of going to college and then uni it’s the cultural and social education. Many of those friends I still have over a decades and meeting people from all over the world had a positive impact on me. I want young adults (if they want to) to be able to learn more than child rearing and domestic duties.

For those that don’t have many other ambitions beyond becoming a Dad or a wife etc - and many from my small town didn’t , that’s fine but it’s not for everyone.

I agree with you. Orphaned young, from a poor background, I had to do it myself. I lived in grotty places-studio flats have always been expensive for singletons. And compared to any time in history, our young have it good. There is little disease, hunger and no wars to be forced to fight. Kids were expected to grow up to be responsible adults. I know many young people still live at home-my 26 year old dd does and pays nowhere near what it costs to rent. However, she is expected to make her own career decisions, do her own cleaning, sort out her car when it needs doing-all fairly basic things. But some of my acquaintances are still doing those things for their kids-it’s bizarre. They are incapable of doing things for themselves-they’ve never been allowed to. She doesn’t need ‘parenting’-she might need support at certain stages in her life but day to day living, she does it herself. Maybe that”s why she’s managing a team at 26.

Agreed!