To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

I think teenagers are very good at getting inside their own head and convincing themselves they’re depressed and social media plays on this. I wonder if necessity was what prevented people in otherwise gloomy situations from simply lying down and dying, whereas now it’s an option as mum will wait on you and bring you meals etc

Lucky you, you had a CAMHs to access and got treatment.Today’s youngsters don’t have that. It’s nigh on impossible now to get treatment under CAMhS or CMHT.So they stay mentally ill, getting worse and worse.

I agree OP.
Part of my job involves laundry and the work experience person thought it was acceptable to fold and put away very damp towels.
Being able to tell if washing is dry is a basic life skill but if your parents are still doing it all for you, how will you learn?

I think it's a mix of both sides as it can be difficult to get decent paid work and somewhere to live when young. I would not expect an eighteen year old to be leaving home but I would expect to them to be seeking work, doing voluntary work, studying to improve their chances and helping a lot at home if unemployed. Very different to allowing these gaming, Pringle eating bedroom monsters to live their lives in a rent free downward spiral where the only outcomes are depression, obesity and benefit dependence. Parenting is for life but that doesn't mean indulging your adult kids like a pampered delicate pet.

It didn’t really help me. I had a few sessions where I had to fill in a tick box form about my mood and that was it really. I was given SSRIs but not any actual therapy. Necessity has been good for me.

I think that parenting is a lot more involved for longer these days. Many children don’t play outside unaccompanied by parents these days - they have play dates but few actually hang out at the park with their mates without an adult close by. (Talking about kids up to the age of about 12). Some do of course but, where I live, I don’t think that’s the majority.

And basically it flows from there. Parents are very involved with their children’s school work - they can log on and check house points and homework which is something that couldn’t be done years ago.

Kids have mobile phones or AirTags on them so they can be tracked constantly. (My 12 year old DC was on a school residential where some parents had tagged their kids so could say exactly where they were. This is madness to me - they were going to an outward bound centre so no chance of getting lost!)

I think this level of involvement continues when the child is older, an adult, and they haven’t learned to be independent or have emotions like worry, anxiety or fear without parents sweeping them up and making it all better.

I don’t know why there has been this shift but when I began teaching 30 years ago children were more resilient and capable than the children I teach today (in general). I don’t necessarily blame the parents, I think there has been a cultural shift where we see children as precious and to be cared for, not as young people who need to sometimes learn the hard way to prepare them for being an adult.

I voted YABU because you seem to be basing this opinion entirely on posts on Mumsnet, which can give a skewed perspective because people are more likely to post about tricky situations than when everything is going fine. I have an 18yo and a nearly 20yo, and all their friends are at uni or doing apprenticeships or working. I don't know any young adults in real life who are sitting in their rooms gaming all day. Do you?

I’m a secondary SENDCo. Parents and children arrive with us expecting them to have a one to one TA following them around all day; these are children who don’t even have an EHCP. They don’t trust us or our systems, they just want to hover over their kids and snowplough every potential blip out of their way.

As a result, children don’t learn to feel uncomfortable or challenge themselves, they just sit back and expect everything to be done for them.

I think a balance is needed.
It’s far harder now to afford a place as a single person, so inevitably young adults are living at home for longer. That is understandable.
However, I do think that parents need to be setting them up for the future over things like insisting they get full time work and not allowing them to just sit in all day gaming or whatever else they might do.

A young adult can live a relatively independent life while still in the family home, provided mum or dad aren’t running around after them/paying for them.

Yes I agree. I didn’t say living at home itself was a sign of failing to launch, it’s more when they’re expecting to be waited on as they’re ‘depressed’ and don’t do any housework or pay rent

I think it's a merging of various factors, really culminating in Covid lockdowns (and Brexit to a lesser extent).

My DS falls in the categories, he is autistic, as many people are! The pathways of employment that may have previously been open to ND people are no longer there.

For DS the painstaking progress we made scraping through GCSEs, A-Levels and finally good result in his degree was halted by a few months of unsuccessful job searching. Then covid lockdown and health anxiety.

He has a degree, but he not getting invited to interview for anything, for years now. I really don't know what to do to help him tbh and I can't see him moving out ever, at this point.

We need to downsize at some point, our current mortgage runs to our 70s and there is no way I am working beyond 65, my parents retired at 64, by which point my dad (in particular) was in very bad health (active, non smoker, moderate drinker).

Yes, I do. I know a lot of young adults who still live at home, spend their money on takeaways and false eyelashes, and their parent is convinced they’ll ’get it together soon’ when they’re 24!

It sounds like your parents treating you like shit the instant you turned 18 has given you a very warped view of other young adults.

You dont speak for everybody
and having access to even a small amount of support can be hugely helpful. Today’s young people have zero MH support and far more pressures with a lot less job and housing opportunities or hope for the future environmentally and economically.

I’m still parenting my 19DS. Chronic health condition means he could take level 3 qualifications and he is taking a year out of educating this year to focus on recovery. He acts about 17 as he hasn’t done stuff that works leads to maturity.

My 21DD on the other hand has flown the nest fully. She was ready for uni at 18, we supported from a distance and are now hands off.

So I agreed and disagree with the OP. People need to do to grow. If problems are solved for them they don’t spontaneously turn into functioning adults. But 18 isn’t a magical cut off age and can vary for person to person. And it isn’t a sudden cut off but a gradual reduction. Which is why uni is helpful as the gradual change is almost built in.

One thing I hate & have always hated us that "it was tough for me so it should be for you" mentality.
You get it from senior colleagues in professions sometimes and it's just irritating & a bit stupid.

Things change, situations change & you aren't comparing like for like.
The job market right now is as tough as it has ever been, particularly for graduates who are chasing jobs and often being AI filtered out before they even get to sit in front of a human being.

Add in the crazy cost of living and the outrageous amount of interest on student loans and it's no wonder a lot of young adults are taking longer to get going.

Obviously there are some who aren't making the effort. Back in the day these were the ones on benefits, smoking weed & generally faffing about. They just weren't doing it at home is all.

Ok fair enough. You didn't mention them in your post.

So what proportion of young people are like that now compared with in the 90s or whenever you're comparing to?
Is it a significant change in numbers or are we reading about it more?

I knew very few people who lived at home past the age of 19/20 as it was seen as a bit strange. In my year at school (120) maybe 5-10 did?

I think it's more that parents don't seem to foster their children's independence enough as they become more capable. For example, my 16yo niece has relied on lifts to and from school pretty much every day since she started secondary school. We live in a city, there are good, direct buses. She has a bike she's never used amd the school is perhaps a 10-15 minute bike ride away. Ds's friends (almost 15) live in a village just outside of the city and still have their parents running them into the city regularly. Bus fares are cheap, and buses are regular. Parents seem overly possessive and protective of their children and fail to encourage them to learn to get around on their own, or do things for themselves. Ds and his friends are all coming up to work experience and most of their parents are fixing the placements for them. It does nothing to build their confidence in their own skills and abilities to continually do everything for them all the time. Both my kids have SEN. Both are more socially capable than their peers.

I was about to say living at home doesn’t mean lack of independence plus rents have shot up but if you are differentiating between those being waited on hand and foot, and the ones living independently while being at home I do agree with you.

I left home at 19 but I had an older sibling who stayed until he was late 20s but he did his own cooking, housework and helped my mum with finances significantly until he left and bought his own house. I think it’s a good idea for people who are able to do that, to do so. I lived in flatshares and some of them were awful tbh.

However I knew someone who had kids really young and neither her or her husband have worked full time. She is always running around after her kids then moaning she does everything but it’s the way she raised them.

Her kids have inherited her lack of drive, for example her teen daughter wanted to quit the work experience week on the 3rd day. I can see them all either getting pregnant really young or remaining at home but floundering trying to find work. She never really encouraged them to do well at school either. Bright kids but if they said they struggled in any subjects rather than looking for a tutor or some kind of solution she would just shrug and say oh just try your best. They have never been pushed to do anything academically or at home or encouraged to have dreams and ambitions.

Ds and his friends are all coming up to work experience and most of their parents are fixing the placements for them.

yep - amazed by the number of parents posting online asking for part time jobs for their 16-18 year olds. I would’ve found that mortifying!

I’m in my 50s with late teen and young adult ‘children’ and it’s far far more nuanced than you’re suggesting. Just for starters, most parents are aware that employment and housing situations - the two mainstays of adult life - are incomparable to 30 years ago.

One thing I hate & have always hated us that "it was tough for me so it should be for you" mentality

How is getting a room in a house share and working ‘tough’ at 18/19?

I think people are getting hung up thinking you mean "move out at 18 and never help them again".
This post reminded me of my younger sister, she didn't move out until she was 24 due to the price of rent, absolutely fair. BUT when she moved out she didn't know how to use a washing machine, make basic meals, budget money, pay bills, set up direct debits etc. They continued doing all of that for her after 18 because she still lived at home. If your DC can't afford to move out that's life, but doing everything for them is just too much, my sister really struggled to learn it all and felt very entitled to it just being done.
That's the difference. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself in the family home. She wouldn't even buy her own toiletries she just expected them to be there!