To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

Exactly @RubySquid Young adults can live at home and be functional adults, it’s not mutually exclusive.

We’re not helping them if we treat them like 10-year-olds when they’re 25!

Hard agree.

There's a thread I've just seen on here where a mum is completely baffled that her adult child is completely melting down over having to care for her mum after an operation. Of course she is - if she's never had to lift a finger or take on any adult responsibilities, then she's totally ill equipped to care for someone after major surgery.

Parents who infantilise their kids and do everything for them would do well to remember that they might need capable adults to help care for them one day!

I agree OP. These days it is undoubtedly harder to get work and massively harder to afford rent. But that doesn't mean adults living at home should be treated like babies. They should cook, clean, do gardening and home maintenance, volunteer locally, do their own washing and generally learn to be responsible adults even if they do have to stay in the family home for economic reasons.

I agree with this.

I rejoined the WIWIKAU Facebook page as DD is now doing a post grad degree, and the number of parents on there who are so enmeshed in their young people's lives is depressing. They seem so reluctant to untie their offspring from their apron strings. I have a great relationship with my daughter, but she is as independent as she can be (we help out with her rent as she is a student).

I must be heard hearted because I can't understand why anyone would sob all summer at the thought of their child going to university. As parents it is our job to give them tools to be independent and, as an older parent I felt is was essential that DD had these tools as soon as possible.

No, I’m surrounded by adult children. Everywhere you go. Emotionally immature adults. Workplaces like school playgrounds.

My oldest is 17 and has a job and learning to drive and will be off to uni in August. He’s emotionally mature and mentally robust knowing his mum and dad have his back, always.

@RampantIvy if you think that’s bad you should see the parents pages for young people joining the armed forces. Some of them drove hundreds of miles to try and see their children through the fence when they were doing basic training. They were in constant touch with them and asking advice on parents groups about medicals, tests etc which were definitely things the young person needed to be dealing with themselves.

One parent had been awake all night and made herself unwell worrying about a routine kit inspection.

One of our sons has been serving for a couple of years and these were not things we considered doing or worried about during his training and we didn’t expect constant communication or to be aware of all this detail.

I think this over involvement is unhealthy for parents and children and to see it carrying on even after they leave home is definitely not good for anyone.

@Chipsahoy Always having your adult child’s back is healthy; running around after them doing everything isn’t. Your DS has an independent mindset and is working to acquire skills such as driving that will make him more independent.

The OP is referring to parents who do everything for their adult children and consequently, they don’t become functional adults. I wouldn’t call that support tbh, it’s actually damaging.

It's a bit of both. The cost of living is trapping people at home longer than before. It was easier to get jobs and flats in the past, plus as young people we accepted starting at the bottom and working our way up. Young people have high expectations and lower opportunities, higher competition for those opportunities.

Editing to add - even just the sheer number of graduates now increases competition for graduate roles.

Social media and constant access to phones doesn't help when you suddenly don't have as much contact as a parent or wondering how things work when your DC are at university etc.

When I was at university (many years ago) it was pay phone only as a means of contacting parents and parents had very little involvement (but to be fair that was pretty much the same for school, there were no groups of parents hanging round the school gates or going into school for this and that event, talking to teacher etc). So expectations from school onwards have changed.

DC are at university. I have found various Facebook pages helpful. And as a few years in I can give advice for newbie uni parents. Many parents are having to shell out thousands of pounds to get their DC through uni, they want to know what their money is being spent on.

And you can send your independent DC off to university and still have a cry. I love knowing DC are enjoying uni life, but I still miss them

The OP didn’t bring up the topic of rent or jobs etc, but I understood it to be about just general life skills. For example tidying up after yourself, putting your own clothes in the laundry basket, maybe even learning to use a washing machine yourself!
Too many teens are cosseted into thinking that household chores just magically happen and they can treat their home like a hotel, while completely refusing to help out with chores because it would interfere with their screen time.

Yes and they always say “the hobby” because it’s too “outing” to say football

@YorkshireGoldDrinker

you don’t need to become a parent for your life to have meaning, ffs! There is a lot more to life than parenthood

It’s puzzling but I suspect your friend developed resilience due to her upbringing and now has a lifestyle which means her own children don’t benefit from that. If that makes sense!

I think you’re right @ClaredeBear Both she and her DH worked v. hard to get where they are and they don’t want their children to have to do the same. But it’s gone too far with their eldest DD, she’s just messing about while they continue paying and doing everything.

I get it, we want our children’s lives to be easier than our own, it’s a tricky balance.

Which is very easy to say if you haven't had your sixth? (I've genuinely lost count) miscarriage in a row and slowly losing hope, isn't it? If you're not in that person's shoes, you're not going to be able to relate to the pain or the anguish. It's an unbelievably ignorant stance to take, too, but none the less a common one, so the numbness intensifies.

Ultimately if it doesn't happen, you either carry on with life and find a meaning, or, if the losses destroyed your marriage and you have no family.... God I can't bring myself to type it. No disrespect, but you can't fathom that pain and I understand why, so I can forgive.

Luckily for me, my marriage is stronger than ever and I've made it to 19 weeks with no signs of trouble, and all being well, my husband and I will have the best news of our lives come the 27th. And hopefully we can do a much better job at parenting our little one where they're here.

Do you really think those kind of things actually help though? No amount of counselling or therapy even remotely helped me. It was a combination of medication and just having to pull myself out of it and get through it on my own.

So childfree people like me have no reason to be alive?
Wow.

There's a big difference between running around after someone and pandering to their every want and treating them like shit

i think (hope) that the poster is referring to how she felt. Pointless etc in the midst of an infertility journey ?
I can relate to that, cos it’s so brutal, and screws your head up so much -
but childfree people having no reason to be alive ?? No decent person would think that !

Really? Blimey, how will they cope when their child is doing an active tour of duty?

I always thought it must be hard being a military parent, but I was thinking in terms of when the son or daughter is posted to a war zone, not worrying about their kit inspections.

What's wrong with a room in a shared house? Or at least living at home and paying rent? There has to be some push towards adulthood.

I think this is a very multifaceted issue.

The cost of living is high, especially with rent and food, so I do understand why people stay at their parental home longer. I believe that if young adults (I’m not calling them ‘kids’; they’re not children) are doing this, they need to be contributing to the home - token rent, saving for their own future, helping out etc.

I think a massive issue is, as the OP describes, the chronic babying behaviour of some parents on their adult kids. Making their lunch, doing their washing, picking up after them, lifts to and from wherever they want to go, buying their toiletries, paying for their phone. It’s terrible parenting and has led to many young adults not being able to do the basics like phone a company about an issue or make a simple meal.

These issues are years in the making though. It starts with mums (it’s always mum, isn’t it?) reminding their teenager to take their PE kit to school several times. Then they forget. So what does Mum do? She rushes off to take it for them. It teaches them nothing.

You see it on here all the time. “AIBU to think midnight is too late for my 19 year old to be out?”, “Daughter has fallen out with me because I tracked her on Find My when she was at the pub”, “Son (28) hasn’t called me today, should I contact police?”.

There’s zero resilience, zero critical thinking, zero initiative from many young people now. They’ve never had to deal with the consequences of their own issues. You’re a failure as a parent if you’re doing this. Your job is to prepare your child for the world ahead. To give them the skills and interpersonal ability to have a good life, contribute to society and prosper.

I like this approach.

Agree with the workplace observation too. I have a friend who’s a police officer and does some training of the new recruits. She told me that it’s not uncommon that they ask if they can be medically excused from working nightshifts because they don’t feel they can manage them for whatever reason. Some of them don’t like blood, some don’t like shouting.

Just a total joke, really.

Is that what I said? If you don't want children, then that's your choice. Not everyone is like you, are they? If you can find meaning in life without having children, then good for you.

I think if you read it again, that’s very much how it comes across. I appreciate you had fertility struggles but your wording wasn’t great. Read it from the eyes of a childfree or childless person.

It’s quite sad to think someone only thinks they have worth and value if they continue their genetic line.