To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

Yes I agree. I had to get a job when I left school. Mum and dad insisted. Yes I also felt very depressed but pushed on and found a very happy life, for myself.

No, I don't think we spend "too long" parenting children, parenting is for life & doesn't stop at 18.
It's a very different world out there for kids now, rents are astronomical, many kids are starting out with huge debts from studying and jobs, even basic ones, are hard to come by.
I think parents supporting their kids until they can afford to go it alone is fine if the parents are happy to do it. Obviously this varies from child to child.

My parents have supported me well into adulthood when I have needed it & I have been appreciative of that.

I fully intend to do the same for my own kids who are now entering adulthood.

Rent was a lot cheaper and you could claim housing benefit at 18 to help with rent if you had gaps between jobs etc.
I don’t entirely disagree with you but I do think it is financially more difficult to leave home these days .

On the one hand yanbu but on the other given the higher cost of housing and the state of the current employment market it is probably not going to be as straightforward for a young person to make their way without help as it was for their parents.

I agree OP. I had a pretty shitty time growing up and realised around age 15 that it was up to me to make something of myself as my parents were simply too useless to help me. So I worked hard at school, got myself a part time job, qualified in a profession that always needs staff and left home at 18. I did end up making a poor choice when getting married (was looking for security) but am happy now (mid 50s) and am self sufficient, as are my own adult DC. Meanwhile my cosseted cousins who are in their 40s, still rely on their parents for financial support.

Exactly this! I didn't go home after University but was easily able to sign on and get housing benefit so I could live with friends until I found something. Rents were low then & housing benefit easy to claim.
It's not like that now.

parenting children, parenting is for life & doesn't stop at 18

Actually I think it should. I will always be there for my children in times of crisis, and I hope to see them regularly and do things like eventually provide babysitting, but I think the high level parenting stuff (helping them job search, constant check ins and motivational chats, buying them essential items because they’ll forget to do it for themselves, letting them live with you and doing their housework) should end at 22/23 max because otherwise how will they ever stand on their own two feet?

I also feel it’s an unreasonable burden for parents. We’re still people and deserve a life after 18 years of fairly intense parenting duties.

How nice for you that you had a savings account that enabled you to leave at 18 in a time when 18 year olds with no references and credit history could just find a place to live and wages from unskilled jobs available to 18 year olds was actually enough to pay for rent, bills, food and the journey to work. Nowadays you would need to be able to pass credit checks, affordability checks, and also have references from previous landlords to be able to rent somewhere even at the age of 18 and in addition to that there are not very many jobs available to 18-year-olds that would actually pay the rent on even a house share in many areas. Some people are just stuck with each other. It is hard for kids to get independence these days.

Totally agree.
The job of a parent is to create a functional adult not an eternal child.

This.

I agree. I think the pendulum has swung abit far and in trying to be supportive good parents from the best motives we don’t give them enough freedom to develop their independence

A rent for a studio flat in my area is £1500, what 18 yr old is going to be able to afford that? It's a different time now & independent living at 18 isn't sustainable or affordable. There are a lot more social and mental health pressures for young people now than previously.

I'm not sure those footholds are easily available to unmotivated and unresourced young adults now. Youth unemployment is high and will be higher still when the employment rights bill kicks in and rent is sky high.

I think there is some truth to what you are saying. However I think it's much deeper than being 'parented' for too long and much more about enmeshed family dynamics and the unspoken benefits to the parents of the now adult child staying like this.

I also don't think there is a direct link with tech and gaming. We've had consoles and the internet for decades. I had them as a depressed teen in the 90s. Social media, perhaps, but I'm still going to go with it being about family dynamics, as it always has been. There are plenty of stories on here of failure to launch adults still living at home (mostly men on the relationships board !).

I think living at home if paying rent and doing your own housework is fine, I absolutely appreciate it’s harder to leave home now financially and many will need to save for a period of a few years or sometimes more.

I’m not talking about that, more the (many) despairing posts on here where mums are still being utterly drained by their 22 year old who expects them to be 24 hour a day therapist, housekeeper and chauffeur.

I left at 18 because I had to and it was bloody hard to get anywhere and I was fully employed. But that was 2 decades ago. These days it would be impossible. Get a clue.

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account

How much was this and would you be accepted for a tenancy with that amount today?

It's fine to wonder what is making people live with their parents but you need to properly consider whether extreme proportionate rises in COL are a big chunk of the reason.

Also in 2025 you are able to read the accounts of parents on a website of millions. When you were 18 would you have had any way of guessing how many kids were in a similar situation then, or are you extrapolating from a sample size of "people you know"?

Entirely up to you if that's how you want to do it.
I don't intend to be so black & white about it.

I have highly motivated kids who want to do well & be independent but I will still help them get to that point for as long as it takes.
That's my choice & I'm happy with it.

I never understood this “kick them out at 18” mentally. I much prefer the way extended families all live together and help each other in other countries.

£600, it was also partly from me working in a pub. Today’s money maybe £2,000 ish? It was enough to put down a deposit on a room in a grotty shared house anyway. In an equally grotty city.

Children can’t just leave at 18 with the contents of their child savings accounts. They wouldn’t be able to afford to live anywhere.
I’m genuinely worried about what the future holds for my DC. They are entering a completely different to the one I did when I was a young adult. I’m not going to support 24hr X Box playing in a dark room, but ill certainly support them to have a safe and secure home till they can find their feet.

Wholeheartedly agree!
Not very long ago we stopped parenting our kids when they were 13/14 and they left home to get married and start their own families! Or at the very least they started working and brought their own income to the family pot.....
Obviously I am not advocating going back to the good old days and marrying off our 13 year olds but things have changed so quickly I don't think we have had a chance to 'catch up' as a species.
Most mammals stop looking after their offspring before that offspring hits puberty.

We all want to do what is right for our children but I do wonder how the next few generations will judge our efforts.

I dont think its parents. I think its the current state of the employment market, university market and housing costs combined with a lack of hope for improvement.

It is depressing. I left home with housing within reach, a passport that let me live anywhere in europe and 'things can only get better' playing loudly in the radios

Plus there are plenty of kids out there doing brilliantly

If someone at whatever age has proper depression then they do need day to day support from those who love them. You would have to be a pretty heartless parent to simply tell them to buck up their ideas and get on with life.

If there are are no mental health issues then I agree that there should be a releasing of the apron strings over a period of time as they move into young adulthood.

House shares in cheaper areas of the country are still achievable aren’t they? I expect London and major cities might not be though.