To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

I can understand why young people are depressed today though!

"parenting is for life"

Oh come on! Parenting as a relationship is for life, but the tasks are not. You wouldn't expect a 90 year old to look after their 65 year old child (unless special needs/disabilities).

Of course you're right OP. Just look at all how parents try to get involved in their children's university life now.
It's not just about the cost of housing.

Although I do agree with the fact that young adults living at home being waited on and not doing their fair share is nothing to do with changing circumstances.

People didn't really get treatment for mental health decades ago. It wasn't talked about much and going to 'therapy' was only for very serious cases.

I think YABU TBH. The problem is now we have a much larger population.Leading to pressure on housing ,jobs and so on. Comparing yourself to "todays youth" from a viewpoint of 20 /30 years is pointless.Many young people have MH issues ,These may have just not been noticed ,or seen in the past.Truth is many wouldnt survive on a "sink or swim" (including me 40 years ago!)as you have .We live in a more understanding world now, and there is not the "work at 16.move out on your own .concept as there was then

The idea that "it was hard for me, so i resent seeing other people getting an easier time of it than i did" is so toxic. I feel sad for the op that you didn't have parents who wanted to help and support you past 18. There's a balance to be struck, of course, but the scaffolding that used to exist to help young people to thrive doesn't exist anymore. Services have been cut to the bone. There is huge competition for even minimum wage jobs and shitty little bedsits and rooms to rent are out of reach for many people. A room to rent in my deprived town is £550-680 per month.

You're not inherently better than young people today because you were essentially thrown out on your ear to sink or swim in a time when it was far easier to swim. I'm not sure why you think £600 back then would equate to £2000 now either unless you're going back 40 years which was a completely different world. It sounds like you were very lucky to land on your feet with no support and a small amount of money in your pocket. If you hadn't managed to get yourself a room to rent and a job, what would you have done then with nowhere to go?

Rent was a lot cheaper and you could claim housing benefit at 18 to help with rent if you had gaps between jobs etc. I don’t entirely disagree with you but I do think it is financially more difficult to leave home these days .

Of course it is, more social housing then too.

Teenagers are not prepared for the world anymore.
I read in a post the other day that the OP got annoyed with her husband as he hadn't filled the children's water bottles. Sigh... we now have a generation who can't turn on a tap. Mine could do that from age 2!

I think we are talking about two different things here.

I think those who are young adults now are struggling with the economy as it is but the younger kids coming up behind them are being parented in a different way again, perhaps due to the media & fears about safety etc.

My kids roamed a fair bit as tweens but not as much as I did when I was their age & from what I see/hear locally I think the kids younger than them have even less freedom.

BUT when she moved out she didn't know how to use a washing machine, make basic meals, budget money, pay bills, set up direct debits etc. They continued doing all of that for her after 18 because she still lived at home.

I agree that regardless of when you move out, you should be learning this at home. That said, I'm not actually sure if my parents did... I was just left to it when I went to uni and learned from my housemates.... probably quite common. Loads of my basic recipes were learned from an older friend who moved into student house with us.

Remember Sabine on Fresh Meat? Bit like that!

This

Agree. My ‘treatment’ was basically ‘you are very depressed, here are some primitive SSRIs, just keep going’. I wasn’t assessed for SEN, put on a waiting list for a specific therapy or anything like that.

You know the world is a completely different place than it was when you were 18 though, don’t you? You realise that?

Thing is we had no expectation of being able to afford a whole flat either - we had flatmates.

It’s not completely different. I’m in my mid 30s. It’s more expensive, but I’m still in the workforce and until fairly recently I rented. So I’m not detached.

My house share was 6 other people. It was a 3 story house and even what would’ve been the lounge was a bedroom.

The world and UK is very very different.

Oh to be so self absorbed you think everybody has to be defined by you and nobody can have a worse experience. 🙄

Everyone is different.

I got my first job at 13, had no moral support from my parents from that age and have always felt this was too young.

My ds is 17. He manages his school work with very little help from me. He has a responsible Saturday job and is much calmer and less stressed than I was. He will get better a'level grades and has had a much more enjoyable childhood. I help him when he needs it.

I am proud of that, I don't begrudge it. Life is hard enough for the young.

He will go to uni next year, knowing how to cook, use a washing machine, manage a budget. He is confident, optimistic, kind and sensible. 🙂

It doesn’t have to be ‘kick them out at 18’ OR ‘mollycoddle them eternally’. There is a place inbetween which is where the best parents sit.
They have raised their kids to be independent, show initiative and be resilient, have taught them how to maintain a household, how to attend to their basic living needs and functions, have instilled a work ethic, sense of motivation and realistic ambition. At the same time they offer support when needed to their kids to help them continue to grow and develop, whether that is financial, practical or emotional, but they don’t stifle them.

Unfortunately, there are far too many parents who are sitting at either end who have destroyed their kids lives by failing to provide that balance. There are so many young people who simply cannot function in the world now. And it’s their parents fault.

@Nescafeneeded have you brought up two independent adults who left home at 18 and never Asked for help again?

For the record, I have. But I realise that that was more by luck than judgement at times! I’m not smug about it. Just lucky. And i Still “parent” them at times - advice, the occasional loan.

I do think that we don’t give children enough opportunities to be independent and so for many, adulthood seems completely overwhelming when they reach their late teens.
The constant discourse around mental health has also not helped.
We are practically encouraging young people to opt out of life.
There’s a lot to be said for being able to get up and carry on.
Having said that, I will be offering my children support when they’re adults. But it’ll be support their adult lives, not to support their existence in perpetual childhood.

think that parenting is a lot more involved for longer these days. Many children don’t play outside unaccompanied by parents these days - they have play dates but few actually hang out at the park with their mates without an adult close by. (Talking about kids up to the age of about 12). Some do of course but, where I live, I don’t think that’s the majority.

This is true, parenting is more involved & intensive.
But society is very judgmental, if a child comes to harm the comments will always be "I wouldn't let my dc walk home from school alone" or "i wouldn't leave my dc home alone".

And basically it flows from there. Parents are very involved with their children’s school work - they can log on and check house points and homework which is something that couldn’t be done years ago.

Schools expect this and the dc tend to
do better with parents involved in their education.

I did stupid and potentially dangerous things as a teen but I think it's harder to make
mistakes today.

I agree OP. All these posts lamenting the fact that rent is unaffordable is a silly argument. Just because your young adult cannot afford to move out does not mean parents have to extend the same parenting deserving of a 10 year old on them. They can still be contributing responsible adults whilst living at home.

I think there is some truth in what you are saying but times have changed since I left home at 22 with the lack of affordable housing, job market and tech. I have kids with additional needs one of whom will need Support for the rest of his life. I've got other kids who are autistic who I'm sure will be perfectly capable of being independent but will need a level of support for longer. My parenting will not stop at 18 it will just be different. likely we will all be living together out of necessity.I think it would be great for all young people to have work experience as an essential part of education a lot of basic skills are not being developed no wonder kids are depressed hiding in their rooms they really need help it's tough these days.

So going by your age, you don't have young adult children then?

If you did you would realise just how hard it is for them right now.
Even compared to just a few years ago, and certainly since Covid, getting started with a decent job or career is really tough.

I have a child going through it now and I am constantly shocked by what it is like, the hoops they have to jump through, the number of applicants for every single job, no matter how basic.
I had no idea - unless you are involved in that world right now you honestly don't get it.