To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

Why on earth would a young single person expect to afford a place? I'm not in the UK, but it's a rite of passage here for young people to go flatting with others, sharing the costs.

Sure, but there are plenty of examples on the other side as well, no evidence that kids today are more incompetent at laundry on average.

My mum never had to do it until she left home because as a working class girl who passed the 11+ her mum waited on her hand and foot.
She never made me do mine, but I could, and when I went to uni I remember one boy thinking his iron was broken because there was steam coming out of it.
In contrast my kids have done theirs from early secondary age.

Absolutely this, crap parents don’t show their kids how to do anything. Good parents show them so they can do it for themselves. Permissive parents do it all for them. That’s my POV basically.

I don't think it's too long parenting, it's ineffective parenting, so kids aren't ready for life and it takes longer to catch up.

Parenting isn't just responding to kids wants and behaviours, it's proactively making decisions in their best interests, gently challenging them to broaden their comfort zone and increase confidence.

Parenting now is so reactive for a lot of people, which is easier at that moment in time but harder long term for everyone. Making them chicken nuggets is easier that evening, much easier than teaching them to try new things, cook and make good decisions. We're so scared of any conflict that parents don't want to be in charge, so obviously the child gets stuck as a child.

I agree OP but you will get lots of excuses. Kids living with their parents into their twenties is not the problem - the problem is that they don’t contribute to the household, you’ll have mummy and daddy running around after them. If they do some sort of minor contribution like paying £60 “rent”, then this is already seen as being very responsible. The expectations are just so low.

The constant discourse around mental health has also not helped.
We are practically encouraging young people to opt out of life.
There’s a lot to be said for being able to get up and carry on.

I actually think this is true. We encourage people towards introspection and it is just dreadful as a tool for the general population.

And it starts really early. Gentle parenting - asking small children to explore their motivation for being naughty - rather than just telling them off and moving on, is a sure fire way to inculcate the kind on unproductive navel gazing that promotes pessimism.

Exactly

Not as high as it was in the 80s and many of us, me included left home around 16 or 17 (I was 17)

You're right OP, I bang on about infantilisation all the time, its destroying our young people and society.

I think there were far more work opportunities in my late teens early twenties than there are now. Jobs were fairly easy come, easy go and work places were far more relaxed. Whilst that came with some problems, it did also make the world of work less daunting.

The pay was dire in some of those jobs but then they didn’t expect me to be the perfect employee.

I know, it's a shame that what happened to you will mean you'll be pushing your own children to 'stand on their own two feet' the minute they turn 18 😕

I think parents are extremely anxious about their children and we're teaching them that life is terrifying and that any negative emotion is bad and something to be avoided. And parents want their kids' lives to be as nice as happy as possible so are sweeping any obstacle out of their way. The current trend for "raising awareness" of mental health and ND means everything becomes a symptom of something.

A recent survey showed that 30% of parents believe their child has some form of SEN. I think we're raising lots of children to feel that being sad or finding certain things difficult is a sign of a permanent disability and unsurprisingly they then find that they can't cope as independent adults. Add in that the housing and employment situation is genuinely very difficult and it's a recipe for a disaster for the next generation in becoming independent.

I agree.

I'm a gypsy and we get a lot of stick for pulling our kids out of school and starting their adult life "too early". But an 18 year old from my community is usually working and has already bought their first car/van and is saving significantly towards their own home. Our young adults know how to successfully run a home and look after children.

I wouldn't have an adult living with me and still expecting me to practically wipe their arse for them.

It's one thing to have your adult DC living at home, it's a completely different thing to enable a lifestyle that involves Pringles and 24hr gaming. My ASD DS21 is currently away at uni, but when he comes back next summer there will be a clear expectation that from 9-5 he is either jobseeking/working, volunteering or studying. I will make sure there is food in the fridge for him but I won't be funding his social life or giving lifts. He is more than able to function and work, with a few strategies in place to manage anxiety. It might take some time to find the right way to do that, especially in this economic climate, but he can be active and useful while he figures that out. He is exactly the kind of young person who could get overwhelmed and just hide away, but it's not happening in my house. Young adults need to feel a little bit of pressure/panic in order to get them up and out there (serious illness and disability aside). And parents need to figure out when it's time to step aside and trust.

I do not think it is over parenting per se, but pandering to and spoiling, which is the opposite of actual parenting.
I am from a foreign country and a farming community where is perfectly normal for adult children to live with their parents for years and years, even whole lives. They still work, have a full on life, do chores, manage their finances, get married, have children and the whole.
But the parents do teach you life skills from little and will not just let you do whatever. Particularly nothing, because that ruins anyone's mind, with no purpose in life.
In UK, something that is true these days, is that finding a job is not that easy for young ones, so it may take them a bit to start. But they would need to be in charge of the house, cooking and cleaning while I work, if they were mine. Plus be ready to do any other jobs, move away and so on.

But is the difference not that how we hear about it through social media not that it didn’t happen ages ago. I can immediately think of two adult men I know in their 50’s who are still at home being looked after by their mum, no actually just thought of another.

Yes, people want to be their child's friend and not upset them. Well sometimes kids are going to be upset and not have what they want and you're going to be the one that says no you cant do that or have that.

Far too much introspection and navel gazing going on as someone said above, means children are isolated and selfish (more than usual). Theres no concept of being part of a group, muddling through, getting on with things, being answerable to wider society.

On the flip side, SEN provision in the UK is in the pits so I can see why some parents will be anxious about whether their SEN kids are actually getting the support they need. Lots of children who have quite considerable needs to not have an EHCP - we never differentiate between care needs of those who do or don't, but base our support on care needs that we witness at school. Some with EHCPs have relatively fewer needs than some of our kids without.

Ah. So no adult children of your own then. All this is based on anecdotal evidence and MN threads. OK.

my own experience and fhat Of most of my friends and family is very very different.

I think as with most things it’s a combination of reasons.

Tough economy
more supportive parenting style so harder for them to let go of that support
Genuine appealing alternative to real life in gaming

"If you did you would realise just how hard it is for them right now."

There have been periods of much higher unemployment.

They didn’t just hand out anti depressants to children like that 17 years ago.

”following a 2003 safety review, rules for prescribing antidepressants to children
advised against using most SSRIs for mild depression, recommending psychological therapy first. For moderate to severe depression, fluoxetinewas the only antidepressant recommended, only for ages 12 and up, in combination with therapy, and with very careful monitoring for side effects like suicidal thoughts. “

And again lucky you to get anything. Children and families struggle to get anything now.

I think we tend to baby children for much longer. As soon as it became possible to defer children starting school in Scotland for any reason more and more people did and now many children are nearly 6 before they start school. Most people now go to college and university as well so they aren’t finished education until 22-23 or even older so they end up having this sort of prolonged childhood.

In our grandparents generation kids left school at 14 and got a job. They were out in the workforce and earning for nearly a decade before this current generation which naturally made them grow up quicker. They also tended to pay their parents for their keep so contributed to the household.

yep - amazed by the number of parents posting online asking for part time jobs for their 16-18 year olds. I would’ve found that mortifying!

But it's so much harder to get these jobs now. I had a paper round at 14, helped in a salon from 15 and got a decent retail job at 17. My nephew cannot find a job, his age puts employers off or they want him to do far more hours than he can fit in alongside A-levels. Plus the pay is crap compared to what I earned.

The cost of housing is the main driver of eternal children op.

That and the cost of living. Many of my friends have had children at home until they are in their late 20s- early 30s. It’s not unusual at all.

Do you have teen/young adults? If you did you would know this I suspect.

I think it’s the wrong type of parenting perhaps. I think 00s and earlier parenting was too hands off for the most part, perhaps not overly analysed, my parents loved me but I didn’t get much in the way of support for school etc as did none of my other friends. We were very much left to our own devices in that regard. Whereas now I spend much more of my time and efforts understanding how my kids are performing, how to talk to them as teens etc. But equally, I put a lot of effort into ensuring they’re independent too, and it’s not always easy, sometimes the path of least resistance is to just do everything, but I want them to learn how to cook, clean to a good standard, plan their week etc, but you have to invest time in that. So that’s something I am trying to do and I’d like to think this will build a good work ethic and adults who will launch…but time will tell, at least they’ll be good housemates if not 😂