To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

Yes I agree. I think that leaving home for uni/college etc at 18 is a good idea. It teaches budgeting and self sufficiency. However that doesn’t mean that “parenting” ends. It really never ever does.

I honestly wouldn't want my kids to have that life I did when I was younger. It's no life to basically either be at work or sleeping. Little point to actually having my flat. In hindsight I should have moved back home, and let my ex have the flat and stress of it, while then using that breathing space to save.

and that's an odd way to look at it - should all live together rather than buying a car individually using their own money?

the op does have some valid points, but there is a happy medium to be had. My kids have a roof over their heads as long as they want it. We all function as a family unit - all do things around the house. Eldest is a good cook. Both are very independent , but equally know when to ask for help.

ironically, I moved out as my home life was stifling. My mum wouldn't let anyone else cook, but wasn't open to suggestions to other things to eat. She insisted in doing everything (but was a bit of a martyr) wanted me to be independent but didn't want to give me the skills (partly because she is completely dependent on others) and hated that I was actually independent. Some, when looking in from the outside, would say I had a cushy life (and I did to be fair) but I hated it and couldn't wait to get that independence. And the reason I was stubborn and kept the flat when my relationship finished. But hindsight tells me that did a number on my mental health.

This is an interesting debate. There is a difference between supporting your children and babying them.

For example, my mum was always supportive of me, which included me living at home until I was in my late 20s, however all she gave me was a roof over my head. Nothing else. I (and sibling) would be in charge of making our own money, contributing to the house, doing our own laundry etc. When I was in between jobs I went on benefits and job hunted and even started a side hustle - because there was a culture in my house that encouraged work. It was embarrassing to be a “bum”.

I have heard of some parents that continue to parent their adult children as if they are useless and I believe that enables laziness. Just because your adult children are at home, that doesn’t mean that they should be treated like a child. They should make their own breakfast. They shouldn’t feel comfortable living off mum and dad unless it’s a pit stop or they are genuinely sorting themselves out for the next chapter of their lives.

I do have a teen, and we are starting to have conversations about work experience and GCSEs and the future. I always tell her to keep her hobbies, take opportunities, and keep the house clean. Yes, she pushes back, but all of these things build character and work ethic. And drills in the importance of contributing.

I think your being very harsh. I'm 35 and think I've had it easy compared to 20 year olds today. I got into university with average grades and when I graduated I was able to work as a waitress and afford to rent a 3 bed house while saving up to travel the world for a few years before coming back and settling down with a job. The older generation had it easier still. My FIL bought their council house for £16,000 and recently valued it for £146,000 and his mum bought her house for £4,000 which he inherited and sold for £139,000. They get to retire early while the pension age is rising for us and will rise again and again for the younger generation. Let's face it people are now living 25-30 years in their retirement and the government can't afford that. 🤷

The house down the road that I rented in 2012 after university is now renting for 4 times the amount per month. The price of rent on top of all the other bills is too much, no single person could afford that. No one wants to live with their parents after 22/23 years old but they have no choice.

Food and everything else is a lot more expensive, it's harder to get driving lessons/tests, harder to get a job then at the end of it all the retirement age will probably rise and rise, private rent is rising so no one can afford to save to get a mortgage, I understand why people are depressed. This is constantly being mentioned online, on the radio and on TV so they always have to hear about it. I'm honestly scared for my children. I think parents are more scared about their children's bad mental health status that they are probably babying them more than they should. I know of 4 people who have committed suicide in our small village in the last few years. It's scary.

FFS the older generation have been moaning about the younger generation for at least 2500. Socrates him self had a pop at them. They are just as entitled and lazy as you were at the same age.

They're a divided bunch. The go getters and the rest. I have two sets of kids almost a generation apart. I'm much more involved with the youngest pair as I'm older possibly and less busy with making a living. It's done then no favours. The older two are much more resilient and harder working and driven. Dare I say it but the youngest two have had more privileges and money and are entitled. I don't baby them, perhaps my son a bit as he's at uni and not coping very well. But he's decided to stay there during his leave of absence because he wants to grow up but he's also lazy and knows coming home would mean taking on feedback about his efforts or lack of it and because he doesn't want any responsibility - which he's told me himself. Entitled.

The thing that kills me is when people have children 25+ who are getting married or having babies, and their parents are concerned by them doing these things “so young.” Historically, people’s mid-twenties have not been an extension of adolescence, and if the adult children are competent, stable, and happy, I think people should count their blessings.

We have our 18 and 21 year old still at home, the 18 year old is at uni and looking for a job but has had one. The 21 year old is at work and college. They both contribute to the house and will wash their own cooking and wash dishes and do a wash or a shop if we are away. The both know how to clean and tidy the house. Im happy they are still at home. I left home at 18 and came back a few times with my husband and then when we had kids as a stop gap. We have always had our parents there for us.

Your son won't get the lifestyle he wants if he did sit on the sofa waiting. It's not luck your son wants to work he shows passion in what he wants to do. People see that and they want him. Don't minimise your son's efforts. A lot of young adults are either playing playstation or sleeping in bed. People will always look for an excuse to why their young adult children has no drive or ambition. The attitude is just get the fuck up and get on with this shit it ain't gonna get any better. While planes are flying people are living their good lives while they are sitting around watching and complaining.

This is actually a fascinating point

Yes, it's less common (though I have been served in a shop by a 15 year old, as it happens, and I know a boy that age teaching swimming lessons), but what is your point? It's still really good for kids who are totally capable of doi We should be objecting to regulations that make it difficult for businesses to hire kids that age. this. And if it is the situation we find ourselves in, we should try and work around it in another way, as I said above.

I really don’t think my parents’ generation had it easy! But maybe that’s because I am older than you….(in my 50s).
For a start, rationing when they were children. Then the fact that the current social security system was only introduced in 1948, so when my father was a young child and his own father died they were left in poverty. He remembers being hungry, no presents at Christmas, children in his school with no shoes feet and wrapped in rags. He left school at 14 to work to help his mother pay the bills.
After he married my mum they first lived in rooms in a house riddled with mice. Eventually yes he worked and saved and was able to buy a house after a few years but in no way was it easy.
After he retired he fairly quickly got ill due to years of working in a factory (fewer health and safety regulations then).
When I speak to others of that generation they have similar stories.
Of course I don’t think we should go back to those days and I am very glad things have changed for the better, but the idea that the older generation had it ‘easy’ is laughable.

I left home at 17, when you could do that.
Now it's different and I think now our dc's are living with us into their 20's and even beyond, we as parents need to give a little.
If we treat them like children, they'll act like children. And if we want them to act like adults we need to allow them as much say in the running of the household as we can.
I rather see my situation as a house share with other adults, and try not to have a me and them attitude.

I get what you mean and agree that in some cases a bit of 'tough love' is probably needed.

However, I think that having a child and creating life is such a monumental thing. You are making someone live for (all going to plan) 80+ years. It's inevitable that your child will face challenges and have times of suffering in their lifetime. You, as the person who created them, are responsible for this, and it's therefore your moral duty to provide appropriate support.

But none of this is the point.

It's about whether your 19 year old is behaving like a person whose ultimate responsibility for himself is his own, or his parents.

Is he largely reaching for the things he needs or wants to accomplish himself, rather than needing to be nagged or pushed?

Is he taking responsibility as a member of the family in a shared house, contributing with things like housework at the same level as other adults?

Does he take responsibility for his own daily care and administration?

Getting a job and living away can be big helps at achieving those things, because the fact is that it is easy for kids and parents at home to fall into a parent/child dynamic - even when they are 40 and 65. But they aren't absolutely necessary conditions to becoming responsible and independent.

Where did OP assume that everyone gets the MH support that she had?
She was just describing her own experience.

Not all of them drive. I can't see them leaving home anytime soon why not get a mortgage as a family. Put all their wages together and buy a property. Their mum and step dad will have security and they will inherit later. They like to watch and make comments about other people. They could do so much more if they put their minds to it.

As for the flat you live and learn. You're settled now with your children so you teach them how to save and not rely on no man or woman.

Setting aside the cost of property and the cut in jobs at the moment, I do think kids - not all of course - are sheltered too much now. For example, was listening last year sometime, late on BBC news where trainee journalists were too frightened to phone up or go door knocking on the door of the people involved in the story. I mean, this is a huge part of journalism and they were uncomfortable doing it, to the point they felt like they couldn't.

The NCTJ are now having to build confidence building classes to do, well, something like telephoning. What's going on here? Surely having the ability to speak on a telephone is just part of life?

I am worried for the younger generation which is such an old fart thing to say, but they do seem to be losing the abilities to do things that are simple and taken for granted.. Am worried about the huge rise of young people with, or saying they have mental health problems. And there is a fair old chunk of youngsters who never had a job, and don't seem to want one and have apathy. It's not about sponging, it's about getting out there, living life, being happy, having experiences, being independent or the lack of it that worries me.

While the cost of living etc is harder now and for that kids have my sympathies, parenting must also be playing a part of how a lot of youngsters are turning out. Life skills must be taught.

I do think that the desire for female attention drives a lot of male achievement. I have heard several musician friends say that the main reason they practised hard at music in their teens was to impress girls. It's not that they didn't love music. But there was a huge extra motivator in the possibility of female companionship.

I don't think they turn to gaming though because they find girls don't like them, at least, not many. I think the dopamine hits of gaming short circuit a lot of impetus to do anything. It's essentially the same mechanisms as gambling addiction, and games are designed to create that, just like the gambling machines in bars.

I've seen this with the student interns I have. Talking to people on the phone is a major issue for them. I had asked one to call some people to tell them their order was in - I gave him a script and told him what to do if they had questions and such. I found him 20 minutes later sitting in the dark next to the phone, not having called anyone. I think he was hoping I'd forget he was there!

I agree with those saying that there needs to be a balance, because although we’ll always be their parents and support them, we also want them to turn into functional adults.

I’m seeing an example of enabling vs supporting with some friends atm who have young adult DD’s. It’s really sad seeing how hard they work while their DD (24) doesn’t do much, She’s also run up debts that they’re paying off. The Mum is always stressed, but she won’t set expectations, which makes no sense to me.

So I think it’s a balance, because tbh, it’s not fair to let a young adult drift along not learning how to function in the world. Parents aren’t around forever and you need to be able to manage without them.

No one just "pops" a child out. Hope you appreciate that after you give birth to your first.

I find they are far more sensible than my generation were at their age and I don't worry about the world passing into their hands at all. You can't change them, but you can change your negative perception of them. Just realise that you are being the same as the grumpy old people who were negative about young people when you were young. It's a tale as old as time.

Yes to issues in the family dynamics and the perhaps unexamined motives or problems the parents have.

This is after all the era of tracking your children on their phones. I suspect there are many, many parents who should try to wean themselves off the tracking (and seek helpnif they cant) and many adult or near adult children who could benefit from freedom from the panopticon.

Why expect to launch straight into a flat? A room in an HMO would be more affordable and perfectly fine for a person just starting out in life .