To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

In some respects their lives were harder. However, they had some immense good luck - mainly due to circumstances beyond their control they may have bought newly built houses in the 50s or 60s which were relatively easy to buy and which have turned into investments that beat the stock market by hundreds of percentage points. If they lived in a council house and were good with their money they might have been able to buy a decent, solidly built house in the 1980s, and see it appreciate massively in value. There really is no denying that salaries are not allowing many people to plan on building wealth these days.

My 'perception' is based on fact.

Journalist story.
https://www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk/2024/news/new-journalists-lack-confidence-to-do-phone-interviews-or-cold-calling/

News story about unemployed kids and talks about mental health.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5ymvnrn0deo

Tale as old as time? Funny. I just go on what I see, read and hear.

This “hands off/free range” approach to parenting is very fashionable at the moment with everyone and their dog banging on about “the importance of being bored”

It's a tried and tested method of parenting, not a form of neglect. It's a contrast to overscheduling your child's life.

As a child in the 70s, I was frequently left to my own devices. So I'd set up my typewriter and write short stories, illustrate them, read books amd magaxines, call for a friend and we'd go for a walk, go to the swimming baths, call for other friends, lie on the sofa watching the test card whilst waiting for the programmes to start ...

Not having a helicopter parent encouraged me to be creative, sociable and - on occasion - downright lazy.

I think the point is, different generations have different struggles. Kids still need to learn to be resilient adults.

Obviously the economic situation doesn't help, but from the 20 somethings I work with its the lack of maturity. One can only manage a couple of days a week, lives off mum and his gf, Is filthy, physically stinks, no plans other than to play computer games. Has had 15 jobs in 7 years, usually gets fired. likely to get sacked soon Like a 13 yr old mentally in a mid 20s body. No drive to be independent. fuck knows what gf sees in him
The other has worked 10 years, good work ethic, but apparently has no savings and owes debts..just how? Bemoaning the cost of moving out, but if you can't save money working ft, whilst paying minimal keep how will you ever be independent. Doesn't get on with parents and I can see why.
The other lives at home but its like they are going home from school, mum picks up, does all household, they go home and go to activities, no idea what financially they do though.

I think whilst being in the family home they should still function as adults. Expectations should be that they have adult attitude and a share of household responsibility.

I think this is also due to the high numbers of those offspring going straight into university at 18 - whether needed or not for a chosen career. It’s viewed, almost, as a continuation of school.
decades ago many kids left school at 16 and maybe went straight into a job or apprenticeship. The select few carried on with further education. Those going into jobs generally grew up a lot quicker. Nowadays every Tom, Dick or Sheila goes to university, as an accepted rite of passage.

My teenage DS has just shouted down the stairs to ask me to make him a bacon butty for breakfast. He's just come in from milking on a farm, and was up at five, as that's his weekend job. I've just replied that I am busy, which I am, and he's quite capable of making his own breakfast. Equally he can pop his own clothes in the washer. Yes rents are high and yes some jobs are difficult to come by however basic skills are free. I won't enable him to become a useless dependant adult.

Depends on what you view as growing up. I was one of the first of my peers to leave my hometown and go live somewhere else when I went to Uni shortly after I turned 19.

Sure I was home for the holidays but it sure gave me a taste of life living somewhere different, meeting people from all around the world and engaging into research and debate about things like the law, social constructs and media bias.

I paid my accommodation and living costs (rent, bills etc) through my student loan. So I had to do my own budgeting. And I obviously did my own cooking and cleaning.

Some students went of doing work placements or traveling solo during the holidays and others including me just went home and got a summer job.

My childhood friends who didn’t go to uni were mainly still living full-time with their parents until their early 20s. Handed over £200 monthly to pay for their keep which covered food and contribution to bills. Their parents often cooked for them and did the bulk of the housework and even weekly shopping. Even the ones who moved out at 18 it was mostly because they had fallen pregnant or moved in with a man. And it was nearly almost always like two streets away from their parents home. It was rare for people to leave the town.

They did all move quickly into “settling down” mode ie. living together and/or kids quicker and a good proportion are now divorced or went onto have multiple kids from various men. So I’m not sure if it was a good move and certainly wouldn’t say it made them more “grown up” just because they went into full time work quicker.

Ivyfanclub, I had a ration book as a child, I think bread was still rationed till 1954..we didn't have "stuff" that's expected now,no car, phone or TV. Df was disabled and no benefits in the 50s,DM had a couple of cleaning jobs.. when I got to teenage years, she worked a long ft day at American express and then pot washing in local pub as well, and yes,they bought their council house,no central heating,or fitted kitchen for 20 years..we lived in a couple of rooms,shared bathroom when I married my first husband,no fridge or washing machine. Then we bought a caravan,cold metal box,not like todays park homes. Did my nursing training in 1972 , 3 years later, first house,2 up to down, unmodernised. Holidays were camping in a field,walk to the toilet block..

Daft comment? What I find odd is that your basis for comparison is some 30 year (barely a fraction of a blip in human history) anomaly.

Probably not but one can't constantly quote housing costs in isolation, expectations now are far higher and I don't mean just the proliferation of technology which is replaced or upgraded regularly. It was very common that when children set up their own home, be it renting or owning, they would usually start off with a lot of second hand furniture, often from their parents who saw it as a good opportunity to have a new sofa etc.. It wouldn't be sufficiently Instagram attractive though but that's their own choice.

Based on what I hear from parents and also those who work with young adults I think you're right OP. I work with parents who are constantly chauffeuring their teens around, waking them up for sixth form, tidying their bedroom, doing their uni applications for them, you name it. I feel sorry for their kids because they're going to have a horrible shock someday.

I agree judge no-one I know (millenial) or older expected studio apartments when starting out, it was all grotty flat/house shares and we got a lot of our furniture out of skips, left behind by previous tenants or secondhand. All our crockery was either free stuff ppl would leave behind or pint glasses stolen from pubs😅

The question is why are this generation of mothers doing this, why can we no longer trust the young? I think its a control and ego thing, but I'm wondering where it came from. Every generation has its challenges, life was never easy for any particular group, yet each generation got on with it and carved their way. Parents accepted that is the natural cycle of life and played a background supporting role. Now it seems the majority infanise their adult kids while wistfully remembering the fun times of their own youth when they had freedoms. I just don't understand what changed.

Leaving at 18 with the contents of a child saving account is unreal and not the case for most of us. I left at 21 and got my house but things were v different then, many of my friends have kids well into 20;s maybe early 30;s still at home,

Never understood why people think parenting stops at 18 its a life long event but agree to an extent that some parents do too much, although many are ND now and need extra support,

this is v true

@Waitfortheguinness it became expected around 50% of young people go to university (encouraged by Blair’s government). Hence the huge expansion of universities and new accommodation. When DS got his first year uni accommodation all options came with an ensuite, it doesn’t then help with expectations of flat shares going forward.

When I went to university it was well under 10% who went.

You can no longer just drop out of school at 16.

In my MIL’s day only those who went to grammar school sat exams, she didn’t go to grammar school so left school at 15 with no qualifications and got a job (not a career). Her parents told her it wasn’t worth going to grammar school as she didn’t need qualifications or a career as her role in life was to get married and have children. So going to university was never an option for her. And I don’t think that was great parenting on her parents’ behalf. MIL is a very intelligent woman she could have passed exams if she had been able to sit them.,

So I am glad that opportunities are more available for more people.

I’m probably going to get shot down for this, but I’ve only seen this with men (I know 3 adult males - 34, 48, 58) who live at home. The youngest did leave home for a few years but ended up back there after struggling with work and still doesn’t work due to MH issues. The middle one has worked a low paid job but lived at home all his adult life and enjoys buying high end stuff for himself rather than supporting himself independently. The eldest moved home for a few weeks after a relationship breakdown and has been there for over a year waiting for his next ‘get rich quick’ scheme to work!!

Re DofE and finding a volunteer role - there's plenty of volunteer roles out there. Don't conflate two issues here. The DofE structure is part of the problem. I know organisations which do have volunteer positions for under 18s BUT they actively and deliberately won't take kids just wanting to do it for DofE as they've found it to be a nuisance rather than helpful.

Part of the issue here is that DofE requires only a few months of volunteering too - so the organisation doesn't really get much in return by the time they've taught you what to do. It's too short. They really want a longer commitment and for someone to be actively invested in the long term success of what they are doing.

What's the barrier? Honestly, not being known is the biggest one. If your parents / grand parents / friends volunteer and you are known to an organisation and it's known you aren't going to be liability or just extra work to train / supervise and will just crack on, opportunities will open up. They don't want kids who might dick about or need constant babysitting and that's the fear. Again it's about immaturity and kids not being viewed as responsible so it's a bit of a catch 22 for those wanting to break out of that. It's nuts that it's got to the point where you probably can only get such roles this way but that's part of the reality.

All the kids I know who volunteer have a) been doing the same activity / hobby for years before and shown real commitment to it b) asked or were asked to help off their own backs (not parents) c) have volunteered for more than three months and not just for themselves (eg not just for DoE) d) have proven maturity before taking on the role.

The kids I know who have had jobs as 17 year olds have tended to be the ones who previously volunteered too. Again being able to prove responsibility and they have initiated getting the job.

This means pretty much setting up kids from a very young age with interests that they take forward. Kids that don't do much and then decide age 14 they'd like to do DofE volunteering for a couple of months because it will look good on a cv in a couple of years have already missed the boat / missed the point.

I actually think DoE should be addressing this better tbh.

that doesn’t help the kids of parents who aren’t motivated in that way does it. Which is kind of what DofE is trying to fill.

mine still volunteer in their DofE roles now, but it was a group they were already known in (scouts) and would have volunteered in anyway. They did want a new role away from somewhere they were known.

I think 50% of young people do some form of higher education before 30 but thats not all degrees.

in terms of going of to university at 18 is more 35% ish.

A lot of people get a job and then relalise they need more education to progress.

Some posters have tried to separate the expense of moving out from young people acting like children but I really don't think you can separate the two.

Growing up and taking responsibility for yourself has in theory has negatives (it's hard work) and positives (freedom to live your life as you wish), but if you can't access the positives because your stuck living at home, it's pretty disheartening.

I understand why someone quite frankly wouldn't want to do the hard bits of growing up without the benefits.

Pp have tried to downplay the hellish financial reality but even if there are rooms available for 700-800 a month, that's more than 50 per cent of full time minimum wage, which is seen as massively overburdened financially. Once you take into account food and transport, opticians, dentists, a bit of exercise and some books or films, that leaves very little to save the 80k deposit you need to get out of a flat share!

And of course very few minimum wage jobs these days promise full time work, most are zero hours contracts, and very few employers are accommodating if you need two or three jobs to stay afloat. Many "better' jobs pay very little more than minimum wage, and many are in London.

I just had a quick look on Spareroom and less than 5 per cent of the rooms available in London are under 700 pcm. Most that are are either 1) Monday to Friday 2) lodging rather than a flat share (not much use if you want to get into a relationship so you can move in with someone 3) probably a scam. No London isn't the whole world, but it's where a lot of people were born or need to be for work.

To me, this is one of the main problems. In previous generations, if we were left to our own devices, it involved us finding something to do - reading or playing out or meeting friends - the kind of things mentioned in @MagpieRobin 's post. Whereas these days, the majority of kids with no scheduled activities will spend too much of that time on screens with all the negatives associated with that. Over scheduling is the lesser of two evils IMO.

Problem is if they have autism or adhd, or add how to find the balance between help and support and doing everything for them, its hard

I left home at 18 to start nurse training and liv in nurses accommodation, however that did not work out and I moved back home after 18 months and got a civil service job. However I was responsible for my own food shopping and cooking, buying my own toiletries, did my own washing and ironing, pulled my weight with cleaning, and paid my mum rent. I get the impression young adults living at home today get everything done and bought for them.