To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

I completely agree, so many parents now don’t seem to realise their role is to bring up a child to be independent, and capable to be an adult. I’ve seen so many families where parents do everything for their children and then the kid goes away to University and parents are shocked the child can’t cope, drops out, comes home etc - no send needs at all, how do these parents think they will cope when they have done nothing for themselves, ever, and then are living away from home . It’s all very sad , so many parents can’t seem to deal with their children growing up and being independent and not needing them anymore, they cling onto them being little by treating them like babies, they do them no favours whatsoever

I think it's a really interesting point about there being a particular window of brain development for starting to take on more adult responsibilities, and how if that's missed, it's potentially lifelong damage.

There's a window for learning speech, and if that's missed, the person will never be able to master complex speech:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genie_(feral_child)

Why was "coming home and offloading" on you never an option?Genuine question
I wanted them to build resilience, not pass the responsibility to find ways to feel better and deal with whatever problem they faced on me.

I was there to listen and show empathy but not to resolve their issues on their behalf.

It's a lot tougher for kids these days. COVID didn't help matters. Unless they're in a fairly wealthy area, it's nigh on impossible to get work. Even after uni.
Older people think they can just get a job if they tried. It's nowhere near as simple as that. They also have the government constantly breathing down their necks.
No wonder mental health amongst them is so bad.

Re. The pandemic. The problem with people mentioning the pandemic is that it ended a few years ago now and at some point, people need to move on. A couple of DD’s (20) friends were badly affected (became isolated, couldn’t leave the house) but they’ve recovered sufficiently now to get on with their lives. It took a couple of years, but they’ve got there.

As parents, we can’t let our children give up on life because of a few months of lockdown. It’s not fair to them.

I totally agree. There are a few young people I know like this and I hear repeatedly how they don’t want to push them too hard.

its really sad that these young adults are being so let down by their parents.

Yes - parents job IS to create a functional adult

the world is more complex, cost of living is awful …

but still this is a predominantly parenting role - what irks me is when parents expect society to do the work - e.g money savvy / social skills / regulating emotions etc the “they should teach this in schools” brigade

or “there is no help” for my child’s bad behaviour / anxiety whatever

parents seem to think they can absolve themselves of coaching the kids in life skills and someone else should pick up the slack -

i DONT mean kids with actual mental illness. SEN, disability

but I think there is a whole cohort of kids who aren’t the above but need basic parental coaching in resilience / coping with day to day life (and help them overcome the avoidances that screens / devices can perpetuate, which parents can collude with)

Not many people seem to spend years trying, miscarrying and spending thousands on fertility treatments and investigations, either. It's also worth noting that the suicide rate is quite high with subfertile/infertile couples. You're alive, but with no legacy or genetic connection to the future, life hasn't got a lot of meaning, so why keep getting up every morning? To pay bills and eat. That's really about it.

And don't get me started on how the workplace treats couples who need medical assistance with starting a family. It's like we're defective and they're perfect specimens of human, medical marvels even, given their seemingly gold star fertility.

More like making up your own interpretation of those stories to fit your bigoted views of young people and insecure need to somehow prove your generation is better than others. Sounds horribly familiar.

Exactly @Bumdrops. If my kids get to 25, for example, and aren’t doing something productive and are generally functional adults, I’ll be really worried. It’s not whether they’ve moved out or not as that can take a while to achieve, it’s whether they’re independent and not expecting their parents to run around after them/financially provide for them, etc.

Like it or not, we all have to grow up!

Unnecessarily snidey comment at the end there. Jealous?

I couldn’t have children despite many years of infertility and IVF. I don’t feel my life lacks meaning because of it. There are other things that give life meaning.

@BluesBird19764 Tbf, it someone in their 40’s is still relying on their parents for financial support, I.e., it’s not an emergency situation, they’ve always relied on them, it’s pretty dire. Most of us aren’t financially reliant on our presumably retired parents at that age, are we?

It’s just lazy parenting!
anything for an easy life… thinks being their child’s friend is better than being a parent.
so you end up with lots of adults that have no basic life skills and are still overly dependent on their friend/parent

How do parents teach it if they were never taught it themselves and don't know it?

If older generations are so fucking smug about what terrific parents they were why then have your children become parents who infantlise their children and are bringing them up in a way you disagree with.

And how are parents meant to automatically know how to deal with ADHD and ASD? Even professionals who work with children aren't trained? Why shouldn't you be able to get help?

At best we are all learning as we go, getting some things right and some things wrong. If you provide love, care and stability then all the rest is window dressing anyway.

@TempestTost I don't think they turn to gaming though because they find girls don't like them, at least, not many. I think the dopamine hits of gaming short circuit a lot of impetus to do anything. It's essentially the same mechanisms as gambling addiction, and games are designed to create that, just like the gambling machines in bars.

But if you discover women don't like you, then how do you spend your free time?

The answer is hobbies, gaming, etc.

The dopamine hit from womanly contact is a lot higher than any hit from video games, by the way. But if women don't talk to you... then games are fair enough.

Doh ! I said I don’t include SEN - OK I’ll be specific or neurodiversity !
who’s the smug older generations ???
how do any of us learn the skills to function as an adult ?? If you are not functioning well enough to coach a kid in basic life skills -
sort your own first -
or don’t have a kid and don’t continue a line of fecklessness ??

People don't know they don't know. You don't get a life skills test before you are allowed to become a parent.

@Bumdrops The weird thing is that sometimes hard working parents expect the opposite with their own children.

The Mum of the DD (24) whom I referenced upthread has worked extremely hard, has a good job (she had two jobs ant one point to pay off her DD’s debts 😡) and is generally a great person. But she doesn’t seem to have expectations of her children to do the same. It’s really odd and as her friend, it worries me that she’s going to burn out one day from sheer exhaustion.

@spoonbillstretford I agree, but if your child got to their early 20’s and still expected you to run around after them/pay for everything, you’d realize that they needed to start taking more responsibility for themselves, wouldn’t you?

Otherwise they’re going to have a very difficult life and we parents aren’t around forever. My Mum died when I was mid-20’s, for example.

A couple of years ago I was out with a friend for the evening. About 9.00 her daughter phoned and asked if she could take the children to school the next morning as the daughter felt like she was coming down with a cold and didn't want to go out in the bad weather. All fine and dandy, except -

The daughter was 30, married and had 3 children. They lived about an hour and 45 minutes away. It was February and the weather was snowy, icy and foggy in the mornings. My friend said yes of course darling. The evening was then cut short because she decided she would have to leave at around 5.45 the following morning in order to take account of the bad weather and work traffic, so would need an early night. WTF!

The daughter had a husband who worked from home but apparently he couldn't take them because he had a Zoom call at 9.15 and as the roads were bad he might not be back in time if he took the kids to school. It was all right to ask mum to do that journey though. Unbelievable. Surely to God having managed to produce three children they could have worked something out between them without running to mum. I blame my friend though for being such a wet blanket, always rushing off to help at a minutes notice and never saying, sorry, no can do.

More's the pity!

They can get a job. But they've all been brought up to believe that everyone can be what they want as long as they want it enough. That and sold the other lie that a degree will automatically get them a better job.

My generation, the boomers, were taught that if the job you wanted wasn't available you took any job going even if that was cleaning toilets.
.

Doesn't mean that even if they are still living in the parental home it stops them being self sufficient. Theycan get jobs, cook organise their own lives etc

That's nothing to do with COL

My DD ( 21) has had work since he was16 ( during covid) He's kept various jobs through college and uni and has work now he's graduated
And he's never been in a position to have people he knows giving him a " leg up'