WIBTA if I refuse to cater for my ‘vegan’ MIL?

[Veganornotvegan]

My MIL recently announced that she is vegan. Great. Love that for her.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far.

However, she says she’s vegan, but she’s not. Two recent examples when we’ve been out for dinner, she ordered a vegan chilli, but with a side of dairy sour cream (“to make it less spicy”), or a vegan roast dinner, with a side of normal Yorkshire puddings (because “there’s no vegan alternative”).

We are hosting a typical 3 / (4 with cheese course) course Christmas dinner for 14 adults and 4 children, no one else has any dietary restrictions or requirements, and my MIL wants me to make a separate vegan version of everything just for her (no duck fat potatoes, no honey roast parsnips, no meat dripping gravy, etc). WIBTA if I said no / she needs to bring her own?

Buy her an M&S vegan ready meal.

Well considering you've witnessed her breaking her own rules, then no, you're not being unreasonable to say no to her.

Or get her a microwave meal.

She can have a Quorn roast and all the trimmings

I’m sorry but no matter how irritating this might be, she is a guest and you are hosting. Therefore you should provide her with something vegan.

That said, it doesn’t have to be very nice!

Or just take it a stage further and ban her from the house.

Bung one of these in the oven and done!

www.ocado.com/products/m-s-plant-kitchen-no-turkey-trimmings/645426011?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=955441401&utm_content=non-brand&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=955441401&gbraid=0AAAAADi6iHnyu1AlqsZj9deP3bq45hp-5&gclid=CjwKCAjw0sfHBhB6EiwAQtv5qVCZukjHPhsYJzS_5gvoLibR_4uzawbAvxW_I8XpFCgk3WdfNSxqixoC1JkQAvD_BwE

This, vegan ready meal!

Give her this, some tinned potatoes and carrots on the side!
No drama, no fanfare, just a sweet and loving serving....😜

Unless you have multiple ovens, presumably you won't have the room. So vegan ready meal it is. I'm vegan FWIW.

It really is not that hard to plan a vegan meal these days.

All supermarkets have a good selection of vegan products now. Just get her a vegan roast and she can have with vegetables.

It I ludicrous to expect a guest to bring their own food to a Christmas meal.

I’d just do her a vegan ready meal. I once did a whole vegan Christmas dinner for people who had made and ate a vegetarian pudding (milk) Apparently they told people vegan as took it more seriously.

My sister is vegan. We get her a (nice) nut roast. We do a few separate potatoes and a veggie stuffing (just a packet one) and veg gravy. (Just powder) out of the veggies she can have the roast veg, red cabbage and sprouts but not the carrot and swede mash or cauli cheese. She can’t have yorkies. Dessert we usually offer a chocolate one, a fruity one and a vegan one.

So some extra effort but not loads. Probably helps ds had a milk allergy as a child so we were use to it for him.

There are two ways to be vegan (or vegetarian, or religious for that matter).

One is to go all-in and ensure that you never, ever do anything that you aren't meant to, because then your conscience/Jesus/Allah/the bogeyman will punish you.

The other is to say that you are being, say, vegan because you want to be kinder to animals/lower your carbon footprint/whatever, but to accept that a 99% reduction in your use of animal products is an amazing achievement given the way society runs, and if you allow yourself the very occasional day off, your conscience/Jesus/Allah/the bogeyman will actually be just fine about it.

Clearly your MIL has made the latter choice, which is great (and, for me at least, would be probably the only way to go animal-product-free without going completely nuts). But that also means that she is accepting that very occasionally she might need to deal with situations where there is no vegan option (e.g., the Yorkshire puddings). Hence, you do not have to feel remotely had about making separate versions. (And maybe you can use a slightly less snarky version of the argument in the paragraph before this one as a way to tell her, gently, that you think what she's doing is great, but you hope she'll use one of her 1% days on this.)

I'd absolutely do a vegan main something for her and I would avoid duck fat potatoes, or at least roast some vegan ones separately.

For the rest she can take or leave as she feels she wants to. Definitely do some yorkshires as you know she eats those!

Was she vegetarian before she was vegan? The things you're suggesting aren't just not vegan their not vegetarian - I'm a vegetarian who tries to be vegan as much as possible, I wouldn't have any problem with veggie food rather than vegan on Christmas day as like your MIL I will cheat sometimes. I would be upset if I couldn't have roast potatoes and gravy on Christmas day though because they had meat in/on them.

You have 2 options

1 - you give her a vegan ready meal
2 - you apologise and say you can’t promise there won’t be cross contamination and it would be best if she brought her own and you will warm it up for her to serve with everyone else’s.

A lot of the sides, including vegetables, are not vegan in our home. I would resent having to make special dishes just for her, especially when she's only a vegan when it suits her to be. Ready meal is the way to go, but I'd warn her, so she can bring something herself if she prefers that. An invitation to our Christmas celebration doesn't mean I'll cater to my guests' every whim. Sorry! 😅

I'd do it just because I'm not the vegan police. I'm not the police of anything. I'd still cook halal or a kosher meal for a Muslim or Jewish friend who I knew "broke the rules" sometimes. I'd still cook a low fat/carbon meal for a dieting friend who I know "cheats" all the time. I'd still host a no-alcohol dinner party for a friend who I know has relapsed in the recent past.

I know eating a halal/kosher/healthier diet or sober lifestyle is what they are aspiring to and it isn't my place to appraise their success.

It’s not just the meat replacement though, it’s very easy to buy a nut roast and whack that in the oven. It’s that many of the trimmings will also not be vegan. The gravy won’t be vegan (will have meat juices in), the potatoes won’t be (cooked in duck fat), the roast carrots and parsnips won’t be (I typically use honey), the stuffing I make isn’t vegan, and all of these items for her will require their own tray and utensils to be truly vegan. Same with starters and desserts (I cook both from scratch). It’s a lot of work for someone who seemingly only commits to their veganism when it suits them. Interesting to see that the reaction so far is somewhat split though. I’ll likely accommodate her because who wants to rock the boat, just interested to see the general consensus.
thanks for your comment!

This is a great response, thank you. You’re right. I’m not the vegan police!

What a lovely post!

Flashback to catering for "vegetarian" DSIL for a few days over Christmas, only for her to partake of a pig-in-blanket on the day. Menu planned around her requirements for a couple of days either side. We were cooking first 10 and she was the only "vegetarian".

There’s no way I’m cooking roasties in goose fat - sod that. Olive oil does the job.

We do a veggie mains plus veggie stuffing and veggie gravy for DS’s GF - we get the veggie wellington from M&S which she said was great last year. She then eats the usual potatoes & veg, while DSs compete to see who can eat the most pigs. We put her mains and stuffing in the main oven well above the pigs after the turkey is out. Shes happy with that.

Definitely just get a ready meal.

My relative has a MIL like this though and it's hilarious! She's 'vegan', so my relative went out of her way to book a restaurant for them all where there was a good amount of vegan options available but also pasta etc for the kids. The MIL didn't fancy any of the vegan options so ordered fish 😂

I’m (mostly) vegan.

(I’m actually a lactose intolerant veggie)

most vegans will not expect you to use separate spoons etc. honey is also somewhat debatable.

personally I’d provide a main, check about the honey and ideally provide a side that fits her requirements.

i have in the past taken a whole three courses of vegan food to a dinner party because I wanted to go and the host was a nice bloke who could basically only cook one thing but I do think you could manage a main.