WIBTA if I refuse to cater for my ‘vegan’ MIL?

[Veganornotvegan]

My MIL recently announced that she is vegan. Great. Love that for her.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far.

However, she says she’s vegan, but she’s not. Two recent examples when we’ve been out for dinner, she ordered a vegan chilli, but with a side of dairy sour cream (“to make it less spicy”), or a vegan roast dinner, with a side of normal Yorkshire puddings (because “there’s no vegan alternative”).

We are hosting a typical 3 / (4 with cheese course) course Christmas dinner for 14 adults and 4 children, no one else has any dietary restrictions or requirements, and my MIL wants me to make a separate vegan version of everything just for her (no duck fat potatoes, no honey roast parsnips, no meat dripping gravy, etc). WIBTA if I said no / she needs to bring her own?

I totally appreciate there’s lots of options. As I mentioned above, I’m a pretty good amateur cook, especially known for my roasts, and have hosted Christmas dinner several times. I think my other guests will still be expecting what they usually get.

For this number of people I would typically cook;

3 meats (turkey, gammon, beef)
roasts potatoes (in duck fat)
mash potatoes (with butter)
pigs in blankets
red cabbage
honey roast carrots and parsnips
sprouts (cooked with pancetta and chestnuts)
mashed swede (with butter)
cauliflower cheese
Yorkshire puddings
stuffing (not vegan)
gravy with meat juices

it’s only now I’m listing it out I’ve realised how much of my Christmas dinner isn’t vegan! I will accommodate my MIL, but I probably need to speak with her to understand exactly what she’s expecting / hoping for in terms of the side dishes so she’s not disappointed. I’d rather do something separate for her, instead of change my whole menu (and what the other guests are expecting) just for her.

Dd is a veggie, other Dds boyfriend is a Vegan and our niece and her mum are coeliac.
Xmas lunch (and 2 or 3 days worth of other stuff) starts being prepped in November...
But it's not hard if it all gets pre-done (often do 2 portions instead of 1 on a weekend roast dinner... roast potatoes, roast veg, stuffing etc and freeze - well labelled!)

I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to be unsympathetic to her new change in diet, as any change is tough. And she wasn’t vegetarian before (in fact ate more meat than I do!) so it is a big change. However, at the latest dinner out we did all get a big lecture about how we all ordered meat of some kind (and then she had Yorkshire puddings!)

Perhaps I would be more sympathetic if she pitched herself as “vegetarian, trying to go vegan” rather than “vegan and you’re all terrible”.

Can recommend Vitalite (for spreading/baking and putting in mash) and Bisto instant gravy granules made with water from the sprouts/cauliflower.

I too would get her a microwave meal. All the people saying it's no extra effort just chuck another tray in the oven. How big are your ovens when already cooking for 14?

I think people are a little harsh. Being vegan can be hard. Sometimes the temptation of a marshmallow or something can be too much. 😅Does that mean i would be able to stomach a roast chicken, nope. This thread has taught me keep those small failures a secret.

…it’s not hard, but some pre-prepped veg & roasties from M&S / Tesco, and stick them in the oven / microwave. Ditto gravy. Simple really.

Can you not just get some steam in the bag veg, and some ready made mashed potatoes for her instead of doing roast potatoes?

@SprayWhiteDung
Expecting somebody to keep to your standards when you don't yourself is really very cheeky.
Precisely.
I have hosted orthodox Jewish friends in the past, and I'm happy to go to considerable lengths to feed them as a) they always keep kosher and have done for decades, b) they offer helpful suggestions and bring food with them (some of which is utterly delicious and the leftovers stay with us) and c) they feed me royally when I stay with them.

And also, I'm not trying to cook a special meal for 14 adults +4 DC at the same time. In the shoes of OP's MIL, I'd ask about oven and microwave space and bring my own main, potatoes and dessert.

Don't use duck fat for that potatoes, that's just totally unnecessary. Do maple glazed carrots and parsnips.

MIL can bring her own vegan main.

If 13 people are coming who obviously enjoy roasties in duck fat and honey on parsnips why should they miss out because one person has changed their diet and not for a medical reason? It's a daft idea.

I’d do a ready meal in the oven, make sure a couple of the trimmings are vegan (sprouts, new potatoes in olive oil, carrots and parsnips wit no honey - all these things can be put in other things for leftovers anyway) and buy in a vegan dessert. I would try to find vegan mince pies / Christmas cake and send it home with her.

And because I HATE, HATE this kind of performative selective eating imposed on me, I would point out each and every time she eats something non-vegan. I have no problems catering for anyone who has allergies or restrictions or requirements or preferences - I have every single possible issue with people who are selectively so at their own whims but not anyone else’s. They can do that shit in their own homes and in their own time, not mine.

(Can you tell I have a selectively vegan and selectively lactose intolerant SIL??)

Just make sure all the vegan versions are crap. It will be fun to plot.

Cook normally and lie. I am a keen cook and happily cater for sincere and committed vegans etc with separate pans, plates etc but have no time for the 'pick and mix'.

How big do you think ops oven is? She's already catering for 14.

This. Or buy the vegan meal from Cook. Ifs probably delicious. They'll do it in a portion for 1

I had never even considered that honey wasn’t vegan but of course, that makes perfect sense! Every day’s a school day…

If you invite a guest then you cater for them - even if you think they are inconsistent with their rules I guess that’s their choice and it is different to being invited to someone else’s house and being then served a meal with animal products in.
i think asking a veggie or vegan to eat animal fat is different from dairy/ eggs - people have a sliding scale on how they feel about these things which is personal to them but you can’t escape the fact that an animal has died for that dripping/ gravy and to ask a veggie or vegan to eat animal fats would be quite an insensitive thing to do.
could there be a compromise with vegan main and gravy (you can just mix granules with the stock from the veg) and some veg sides she can eat (maybe not your full menu but at least some nicely steamed veg, maybe at least some frozen toast potatoes which you can bung in the same pan as the mains?). Then I guess it’s her choice if she wants to flex her rules for the rest but you have provided her a meal?

Three meats for Christmas lunch. Goose fat potatoes You sound like you're hosting Henry the 8th

Three meats for Christmas lunch. Goose fat potatoes You sound like you're hosting Henry the 8th
And the menu looks amazing!!

I have a restricted diet and would be mortified to do this, I’d offer to bring my own alternatives

I’d make some adjustments but not change everything.

So I’d make the roast potatoes vegan, and some of the veg but not all of it. Do a ready made vegan “roast” and instant gravy for her and you still have the proper stuff.

A bought vegan option for pudding but only one. Make what you’d like for yourselves.

Basically accommodate it but not at your detriment.

I am the first to cater to people with dietary requirements.

Planning my wedding was a right job.....my mother has several intolerances, we had a fair few veggies, a couple of vegans, 2 people with coeliac, my daughter is allergic to citrus and a friend who cant eat anything green (allergic to chlorophyll)!

But a "vegan" who isnt actually eating a vegan diet? Nah fuck her. I would get a ready meal as others have said. Make the point that you simply dont have oven space to make two different meals (and that you prefer the non vegan sides so making everything but the meat vegan is not an option.

Then watch her squirm.

One of two things will happen. She will either have some of your meal claiming that she went vegan for ethical reasons and "as you are all eating it, me having a bit wont matter" . Or she will eat her meal and give all outward signs of being happy....and the odd slice of turkey and gammon and a fair few pigs in blankets will disappear every time she offers to pop the kettle on (I am thinking Pam-lar in Gavin and Stacey!). Personally my money is the on the second.

Working in hospitality for years I have seen an awful lot of perfomative veggies/vegans and without fail its for attention. Its so they can make a huge fuss about what they are ordering but when you point out that the side or pudding they are ordering is not vegan, order it anyway! So dont give her any attention whatsoever, just say "Yes Jane, no problem", and plonk her meal in front of her with a smile.

A normal Sunday roast is obviously easy to make vegan. Christmas Day is rather different! Almost choked when I read a PP stating they don't use duck fat on the potatoes as it's so unhealthy, wtf?! It's one day.
Anyway, whilst I would totally put myself out for a genuine vegan and go to town with a delicious nut roast (they are amazing), in the case of your MIL I would 100% be buying the vegan microwave meal tomorrow and putting it in the freezer, all ready. You KNOW she's going to be having sides of toasties, gammon and beef 😅

Cook (cookfood.net) do a frozen full Xmas vegan meal for 2 with trimmings. Unless she’s very greedy you would have some left to share. I got one last year for a vegan guest. It was nice & very easy.