WIBTA if I refuse to cater for my ‘vegan’ MIL?

[Veganornotvegan]

My MIL recently announced that she is vegan. Great. Love that for her.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far.

However, she says she’s vegan, but she’s not. Two recent examples when we’ve been out for dinner, she ordered a vegan chilli, but with a side of dairy sour cream (“to make it less spicy”), or a vegan roast dinner, with a side of normal Yorkshire puddings (because “there’s no vegan alternative”).

We are hosting a typical 3 / (4 with cheese course) course Christmas dinner for 14 adults and 4 children, no one else has any dietary restrictions or requirements, and my MIL wants me to make a separate vegan version of everything just for her (no duck fat potatoes, no honey roast parsnips, no meat dripping gravy, etc). WIBTA if I said no / she needs to bring her own?

DS1’s partner had always been a veggie, simple, as I am one myself.

Then they arrived to stay for the weekend:
“By the way, Mum, XX is a vegan now”.

If I’d had some warning there would be no problem, but obviously when you are expecting family to stay you cook nice things, crumbles, cakes, and yes, Yorkies.

Hasty rejig of dishes for the weekend meals.

By the time Christmas came we were well organised, DH who does most of the cooking, did a vegan and non vegan full Christmas dinner.

It’s not just food, no silk because of the sacrificed silkworms, no wool, no leather. No products tested on animals. Finding Christmas presents is fraught with difficulty.

Luckily, we all love her.

It's not that hard. But a ready made main. Then a small tray of veg done in sunflower oil or similar. A small jug of instant gravy. Will be bland and boring but will be vegan.

I agree with this. She’s made a couple of vegetarian choices rather than vegan. That doesn’t mean that she should have to tolerate duck fat and meat dripping. Yuck.

I would do a vegan starter or soup either for everyone or as one of two starters. Main get her a ready meal with all the trimmings included. Pudding, assuming you make more than one then one could be vegan.
I would however refuse to get vegan cheese as it is rank!
You will have the moral high ground and if she sneaks anything non vegan you should call her out and refuse to cater for her in future.

I do go all out for Christmas! I love hosting, I love cooking, and I love Christmas, so I try to make it extra special! (I do lots of other OTT stuff too, like special Christmas cocktails, multiple homemade desserts, and two choices for starters, Christmas quizzes / games, homemade center pieces, etc. and we all dress up ‘fancy’). I genuinely love it, and don’t find it a burden!

I probably made it sound like I whinging that my MIL had asked me to change my menu (which she herself has eaten for 10 years!). It was honestly just a question whether I should.

I’ve taken from this thread that I shouldn’t change my menu for my other guests, but I should accommodate my MIL separately, and so I will.

This. Been there, done it.

I’d let her DS do it!

Swap honey for maple syrup on your veg (make sure it’s 100% pure maple syrup), you honestly won’t notice the difference and it’ll be vegan.

Then get her a vegan nut roast and do her a few potatoes in oil. Job done.

If you love hosting as much as you say you do, you’ll want to ensure all your guests have a nice time surely!

I would do it - it's not that hard. Buy a vegan wellington for her main course. I'd cook the roast potatoes in oil anyway as I prefer that. If you prefer duck fat, just toss a few potatoes in oil and put them in a tin foil tray inside the roasting tin to keep them separate but not taking up extra room. Same with vegan pigs in blankets (grim things but easy to just separate them from the rest with a bit of foil. Put a few carrots and parsnips aside before tossing them in honey. If you do garlic, herb or lemon butter for veg, just set some veg aside for her first then toss the rest in the butter.

For gravy - I do agree it's annoying, but I just make a good veg gravy on Christmas Day because DS is veggie and I can't be bothered to make two - veggie bisto with garlic, fresh rosemary and thyme and a good splash of red wine. You can always drain the meat juices and add them to the veggie gravy after setting some aside for her. Bit of a faff but in total the extra effort takes about five minutes and only involves baking a vegan wellington alongside the roast bird.

I'm mostly vegan, and that's good enough for me.

It wouldn't be good enough for many other people though who expect perfection and berate you when you can't be perfect for whatever reason.

Live and let live, it's hardly onerous to cook parsnips in maple syrup instead of honey for instance. Why make a fuss, even if MiL ends up not keeping to her ideal and scoffing some turkey.

Your menu and day sounds lovely.

Sounds like my sister in law. My husband calls her a ‘questionable vegan’ 🤣 We’ve watched her eat non-vegan foods. To be fair it’s not shoved down our throats and would never insist, which makes it easier.

I cook for Christmas and last year she got some kind of pastry thing from M&S, don’t use goose fat so she had the roasties. Sectioned a baking tray down the middle with a tin foil wall stuck the pie thing one side some carrots and parsnips the other with some sugar sprinkled on top and splash of water, put them in when the turkey came out and gave her loads of sprouts!
She knew the menu had the option to pre-cook and bring her own food.

I’d go with a polite but firm this is what I can offer or bring your own.

She is actually easy compared to my own sister who is so picky (she can’t look at the turkey because it turns her stomach) that I leave her to plate her own dinner! I wouldn't be surprised if she asked for the vegan option this year!!!!

Good Luck and deep breaths, a good glass of wine helps …. Sure it’s Christmas 🎄

You have decided she isn’t a good enough vegan so you are not going to cater for her.

This is really not nice behaviour, especially to a guest at christmas.

I would call it passive aggressive but actually it is more overt aggression than that.

Having the occasional vegetarian option is not the same as expecting her to eat duck fat.

You are clearly have your own agenda here be it a dislike of her or of vegans or both.

I'd cook my normal dinner, perhaps making some allowances like not putting bacon in with the sprouts, or having a sage and onion stuffing instead of, or as well as, a sausage meat one. Then I'd tell her what you'll be cooking and suggest she brings anything else she wants. Doing the dinner is enough work without having to do extra for one person.

You’re eating ham, Pam!

I have a family member exactly like this. Vegan, and don't you ever forget it, but the second you turn your back she's truffling her way into a bar of chocolate.

We cater for her because it's easy and not worth the argument.

Also I don’t think poster is being mean.
Her Christmas sounds lovely, she goes to a lot of effort.
Like most of us she probably has one oven and has been thrown a curve ball as to how she’s going to get everthing cooked and plated and she’s said she’ll accommodate.
So fair play, i’m sure it will be lovely OP.

Both the veggie and vegan versions look really good. Not a bad price for the amount, either.

This is spot on. She’s doing her best or as much as she sees possible at the moment!

“You’re eating ham Pam!” 😂

You make yourself look a bit daft when you don't read the ops updates.

My dsd is vegan, I get a veggie nut roast. Have a small separate pan which I cook it in with the potatoes and carrots together using oil. It’s not that hard, the potatoes have to be peeled anyway. I buy a ready made vegan dessert. Bread rolls are vegan. And then I usually get some salads too and I make sure at least 1 is vegan. I don’t do vegan gravy or anything, I’m not even sure if that is a thing?

Bisto is vegan.

Ah…somebody beat me to it 🤦‍♀️

I have a friend who claims to be vegan, we’ve gone to the trouble of getting vegan birthday cakes, finding restaurants with good vegan options etc then found out she eats chicken when she fancies it.

However, it sounds like your MIL is trying. I wouldn’t be attempting to cook a vegan meal but I’d probably get her something decent from M&S if I was hosting.

Ah! Maybe that's why it's not good gravy. (I'm not saying vegan food isn't good, but it's the meat juices that give gravy its flavour.)