WIBTA if I refuse to cater for my ‘vegan’ MIL?

[Veganornotvegan]

My MIL recently announced that she is vegan. Great. Love that for her.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far.

However, she says she’s vegan, but she’s not. Two recent examples when we’ve been out for dinner, she ordered a vegan chilli, but with a side of dairy sour cream (“to make it less spicy”), or a vegan roast dinner, with a side of normal Yorkshire puddings (because “there’s no vegan alternative”).

We are hosting a typical 3 / (4 with cheese course) course Christmas dinner for 14 adults and 4 children, no one else has any dietary restrictions or requirements, and my MIL wants me to make a separate vegan version of everything just for her (no duck fat potatoes, no honey roast parsnips, no meat dripping gravy, etc). WIBTA if I said no / she needs to bring her own?

I think you’re being a bit mean, tbh. So she’s a ‘flexitarian’. At least she’s trying.

I am a vegan and currently away at a conference. They have made NO provision for me. I’m starving. Same thing happened last year at a different conference overseas. No food at all for me.

It seems that people hate vegans so much, they literally enjoy watching them starve.

Be nice, OP.

Can you use oil for the potatoes and ask your Mil if honey is ok (as sour cream is ok!)? Then the sides would become more universal.

I think it's asking a lot to expect your host to make a special menu just for you when it's not an allergy that will make you ill, you're not actually all that serious about your diet, and it's already a big effort to cook and host this particular meal.

Agood guest should at least offer to bring something they can eat, to take the burden off their host. Either that or be prepared to bend the rules, eat around things, or have a rather strange, probably unbalanced meal.

Or just don't go!

I am a veggie and I would take my own main/discuss with the host what space there would be and try to plan around it. If you were insisting that everything would be using meat juices/honey/butter even though you could use alternatives, I would make a foil packet of veg of my own to stick in the oven with my little portion of whatever main I’d made myself and some gravy to stick in the microwave. It shouldn’t be up to you to make a separate version of everything just for her. (That said, I am not a vegan and have always used a pinch of brown sugar in the carrots so not really absolutely necessary to use honey, but if that’s how you like it and you refuse to do anything different that is your prerogative).

Totally get the frustration but I think it’s probably going to rock the boat least if when you prep anything that’s for roasting (potatoes, carrots, parsnips,) just pop a couple in a foil roasting dish and cook them with oil. Or use maple syrup instead of honey - it’s tasty!!

Eh, I’m not sure I would say I’m being mean. I’m asking a genuine question. If it helps provide some more context, she was not vegetarian before (I’ve known her 20 years), and whilst she now says she’s vegan, and berates others for their choice not to be, she still eats dairy and wears leather (at best she’s vegetarian then?)

As someone above has said, she’s trying to make a positive change (regardless of her motivations) and it’s not my place to judge her success in doing this, and so I will still accommodate her request. But I don’t think it’s mean of me to take a moment to first ponder whether I need to. Especially on a day that will be very busy hosting, cooking, etc. and her request will cause me extra work.

Don't ruin everyone else's Christmas dinner get her a microwave meal she will soon realise what she's done when she see everyone else's

What does your partner say about this? It's his mother, after all.

She's what the kids these days would call a flexitarian.

My brother went through a phase like this where he wouldn't eat animal products, not because he valued the welfare of animals, but because he'd been told by unqualified people that it's better for his health.

He has anaemia, so it obviously didn't go down well, but in his transition period back to eating a genuinely omnivorous diet, he said he would be a flexitarian which basically meant that he'd be a vegan when it was least convenient for absolutely everybody else, and when it suited him he'd have meat gravy, mayo, sour cream, cow juice in his coffees, and ham sandwiches when there was nothing else in the fridge to make a sandwich from because the shopping hadn't been delivered yet.

Just get her the ready meals, and some instant veggie gravy granules.
She might stick to her guns, or she might cave if her mouth starts watering.

Quorn roasts aren't vegan 😂

I'd supply a nice main from M&S and get some of their vegan gravy and a nice dessert.

All the rest of ask her to bring because it would be too hard not to contaminate her meal.

It’s not that I refuse to do things differently, as most people are, I’m just used to cooking a roast a certain way. Also I’m a pretty good amateur cook, someone who’s known especially for my roast dinners, so I wouldn’t want to disappoint my other guests if I try something new out and it’s not quite as nice or what they were expecting. I think I’ll just do her some vegan bits on the side in their own roasting dish. It will be more faff, but as someone above has said, not my place to judge how “good” a vegan she is, I should still accommodate her.

Couldn’t you just message her and ask which bits of the meal she actually wants to be vegan? Just say you’ll be doing gravy, yoekies etc and ask her to indicate which she’s happy to have the same as everyone else for, and which bits she specifically requires to be vegan?

Are they not?! I didn’t know that! Although thank goodness I would have checked before buying one for her!

DH is veggie. For Christmas dinner he has a veggie main, roast spuds (we don’t use duck fat as it’s so unhealthy), carrots, peas, cauliflower cheese with Sacla vegan cheese sauce, mash (I make a pan full, take some out before I add milk and butter, and add spread to his portion), Bisto gravy granules (its vegan), vegan pigs in blankets from Aldi. It really is no hassle.

I am a total omnivore who owns a farm and raises animals for meat. It’s not hard to have a mostly vegan spread of sides at Christmas. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Potatoes we roast with olive oil, or just buy some ready made ones to whack in the oven. She can skip the honey and have sprouts instead of parsnips. Give her some bisto. Takes 2 minutes to make. Ask what main she wants and whack it in with the potatoes. She won’t be able to eat everything, but I was a vegetarian for 20 years and I very happily ate whatever mixture of sides I could and was grateful to be hosted.

A vegan choosing to eat diary is very different to being purposely given the choice of food laced with meat products or nothing at all.

But she can't have it with the vegetables if the options are duck fat roasties, honey carrots/parsnips, mash with butter/milk - which does mean preparing a whole separate meal.

Nope, they aren't. Got egg in, and maybe milk too, can't remember off hand!

Lidl do a nice vegan sausage and cranberry wreath for a fiver though.

Why do you think she is breaking the rules? Is she a new vegan who is trying most of the time but not quite ready to give up Yorkshire pudding? Or is she vegan to make a big fuss and grab attention?

if the former I’d be a lot more sympathetic to her and make an effort to make as much of your meal in a vegan way. You don’t have to put honey on parsnips or goose fat on potatoes. So those are easy changes to make.

Sounds like she is a vegetarian who tries to be vegan. Could you ask her if she will be sticking to vegan on xmas or if she is ok with vegetarian. If its too much hassle ask her to bring some bits along.

You do know @Veganornotvegan that it's likely (having read similar mn threads) she'll go all 'it's a special occasion, I'll have some turkey... but only as you're serving up!

I'd do her the ready meal. It sounds as if she'll dip in to everything else anyway

Some quorn stuff is vegan and some isn’t. They’re trying to move to vegan but what’s what changes quite frequently.

The m and s mains are good for both veggie and vegan.

if she eats dairy then mash with milk and butter will be fine.

The problem with that, though, is if you've deliberately put yourself out to obey their clearly-stated rules (maybe compromising/missing out on something that you particularly like), and then they go ahead and break their rules when it suits them to do so.

Expecting somebody to keep to your standards when you don't yourself is really very cheeky.

On the other hand, if you're in a restaurant and they make a big play about checking that their chosen main meal is vegan first, but then go ahead and choose a non-vegan dessert afterwards, absolutely fine, their choice.