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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband said he isn't happy

133 replies

Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:03

I'm not really sure what to do and I'm really panicking. First off I should say I have OCD and this can have a detrimental impact on my response to things - I often overreact, obsess and then develop compulsions so if I'm overreacting I would love someone to tell me.

My husband told me today before he left for the weekend that he hasn't been happy since our child was born and it's been the most miserable year of his life. He said it's been really difficult, we've been unkind to each other and it's not how he wanted life to be. I was stunned to be honest as I thought we were going to be looking to start trying for baby number 2. This is not the case.

I'm heartbroken as whilst I knew it had been a challenging year, I felt it had been very rewarding. Our wee one isn't a good sleeper so I took the night feeds and the majority of the share when I was on maternity leave whilst he went to work. I also was diagnosed with OCD throughout the year and I feel so much calmer knowing that actually it is OCD - there is a name, a reason for it and I've found it really freeing as well as working to lessen the symptoms say it out loud etc ... I felt so positive!

I'm heartbroken that while I've been doing this work to improve myself for him, me and our wee one he's been so miserable. I thought we were happy and now I'm realising how delusional I've been.

Is it wrong to feel this way? A different perspective would really help.

OP posts:
SterlingSR · 17/10/2025 17:06

You’re not overreacting and that’s a grenade into your marriage. What does he intend to do?

PMBiscut · 17/10/2025 17:10

so he told you this then left for the weekend? So hasn’t given you the opportunity to discuss this and is just going to let you stew?

Original poster
Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:11

He didn't say. He told me we should find time to discuss it next week when he had had time to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:11

PMBiscut · 17/10/2025 17:10

so he told you this then left for the weekend? So hasn’t given you the opportunity to discuss this and is just going to let you stew?

Apparently so.

OP posts:
OhFeyreDarling · 17/10/2025 17:12

Where has he gone?

MsPavlichenko · 17/10/2025 17:12

Where is he going to this weekend?

Original poster
Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:13

A stag do :/. He's the best man.

OP posts:
Coconutmacaron · 17/10/2025 17:14

Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:13

A stag do :/. He's the best man.

Oh I see …. And whatever he does this weekend he will say ‘but we were on a break’ or something similar. So sorry you are going through this Flowers

OhFeyreDarling · 17/10/2025 17:15

Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:13

A stag do :/. He's the best man.

That's a proper shit thing to do to you OP, so not only has he thrown a grenade he's now off on a boys weekend drinking and who knows what. Whatever happens you need to be angry about this not sad, he can absolutely be unhappy and talk to you about it but to do it this way is a dick move

Tamfs · 17/10/2025 17:17

At first I had some sympathy, sounds like you've both had a difficult year.

Then I read your update about how he did it as he was leaving for a stag weekend, and that's just cruel.

Maray1967 · 17/10/2025 17:18

You need to think through what both of you could do to improve things - do you need more time alone? Dates? If so, sort out a babysitter. He needs to say what he is willing to do, not just complain about you.

But - you also need to be prepared for him to come back and say that it’s over.

We obviously don’t know what has gone on, but I’m struggling to find much sympathy for a bloke who doesn’t seem to find joy in his baby. Yes, the first year is usually challenging, but I can still remember how my DH looked at DS when he picked him up and played with him despite colic etc. I’m sad for you that he doesn’t seem to show this, just whine about how awful his life is.

Maray1967 · 17/10/2025 17:21

Yes, I agree with pp that his timing is awful - cruel.

And I would not blame you if you messaged him and told him not to bother coming back unless it’s with an abject apology. I would also hope that if his parents are alive that they give him a massive bollocking, because if my DS did this he’d get one from me.

MsPavlichenko · 17/10/2025 17:23

Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:13

A stag do :/. He's the best man.

He’s an arsehole. He has said this to give himself permission to do whatever he wants this weekend. Or possibly has started something already.

Leaving you to worry all weekend, and possibly be so glad to have him return you will put up with any old crap going forward.

Honestly, he is showing you who he really is, please pay attention. Spend your weekend looking at how you could manage on your own. It’s scary, but much better than years of this shit. If he’s already moved on himself you’ll at least be better prepared for it.

Maray1967 · 17/10/2025 17:24

Yes, that would be my concern as well.

ButSheSaid · 17/10/2025 17:26

He could have strived to educate himself on becoming an excellent parent, learning about child development, enriching his knowledge about feminism and how to excel at being a husband.

Instead he announced he hates having a child and swans off on a drunken stag weekend.

Time to find your anger. It's justified.

While he's away swilling beer, take time to think if this man is worthy of you, if he enhances your life and if you want to stay married to him.

Devilsmommy · 17/10/2025 17:26

I'm really sorry but seems like he said it right then, before fucking off on a stag do on purpose. So when he cheats on you that will be his justification. I'm so sorry. A pp was right. Be pissed off, not sad😡

blankcanvas3 · 17/10/2025 17:27

Now he has the perfect excuse to cheat whilst hes away. What an arsehole

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/10/2025 17:35

Sending you a hug - that first year with a new baby can be so hard, and you've done well by starting to tackle the OCD. Your husband is allowed to find ithard too, and I don't know if there's ever a good time for him to tell you that. He's not necessarily an arsehole for telling you it now, though it's not ideal. I don't think it will help your marriage to just get a chorus of "He's an arsehole". None of us is perfect. But tell us, do YOU ever get a weekend off, or a night off? Because if not, he's not doing his share.
I'd suggest you get into couples counselling ASAP. Don't take no for an answer, just tell him you're signing the pair of you up for a session - easy to do an online session so you don't even necessarily need a babysitter.

You need professional help with the OCD and also with finding a fair balance in this marriage. Maternal anxiety and related disorders aren't good for anyone involved, not you, not your baby or your marriage, so your mental health needs to be prioritised. Especially for your baby's sake; if you're happy and healthy then baby benefits.

ginasevern · 17/10/2025 17:35

Very cruel of him OP and I'm sorry you're going through this. Did he want a baby? So many men just go along with it because they don't want to look like monsters. And some men say they want kids but are floored by the reality. Be prepared for the fact that there might be an OW involved.

PMBiscut · 17/10/2025 17:39

He’s being very cruel and childish dropping this on you and then buggering off for the weekend.

Feels like he’s lining up an excuse.

Moresparecashplease · 17/10/2025 17:41

I'm afraid I agree with pp: the timing isn't coincidental. He will be planning to behave like a single man on this stag do.

And if this has come totally out of the blue for you then there is a good chance he has already had his head turned.

It's absolutely awful for you but I think.you should use the time he is away living it up on this stag do with his pals to start thinking about how your future will look without him. Because he has now shown you his lack of commitment to you and his child.

sleepingstar · 17/10/2025 17:42

He’s decided just before a stag weekend away that he wants a break, so basically I want to be single for my weekend away and then when I get back we’ll discuss if we’ll give things another shot.
I think he may have someone in mind to spend this weekend with and he’s hedging his bets.
You deserve so much more than this. I’m angry for you.

Kidsgotothatschool · 17/10/2025 17:47

I’m furious for you! So utterly bored of all these pathetic man-children!

He’s setting himself up with a great excuse to cheat and (if it was me) I’d be very clear that I’m absolutely onto him because I would not be able to hold back.

You are better than this and you and your little one deserve so much more.

themerchentofvenus · 17/10/2025 17:49

blankcanvas3 · 17/10/2025 17:27

Now he has the perfect excuse to cheat whilst hes away. What an arsehole

It's not an excuse to cheat. If he chooses to cheat then that's irrelevant as being honest about his feelings doesn't give him the freedom to do what he likes.

There is some serious man bashing going on here.

Yes his timing is lousy but at least he is being honest. @Lottie585 it's great you've been trying to be a better version of yourself but given how blindsided you seem by his announcement then is it possible you've been so focused on you that neglected the relationship a bit?

My ex did this. I was thinking marriage and kids then one day he just said he wasn't happy. I felt like an idiot and just didnt see it coming at all.

Perhaps his timing was deliberate so you both have some time to reflect before discussing it?

ComfortFoodCafe · 17/10/2025 17:52

Sorry but are you sure hes not seeing anyone else or planning too? Bit strange to say that as going out the door for a weekend away.