My husband said he isn't happy

[Lottie585]

I'm not really sure what to do and I'm really panicking. First off I should say I have OCD and this can have a detrimental impact on my response to things - I often overreact, obsess and then develop compulsions so if I'm overreacting I would love someone to tell me.

My husband told me today before he left for the weekend that he hasn't been happy since our child was born and it's been the most miserable year of his life. He said it's been really difficult, we've been unkind to each other and it's not how he wanted life to be. I was stunned to be honest as I thought we were going to be looking to start trying for baby number 2. This is not the case.

I'm heartbroken as whilst I knew it had been a challenging year, I felt it had been very rewarding. Our wee one isn't a good sleeper so I took the night feeds and the majority of the share when I was on maternity leave whilst he went to work. I also was diagnosed with OCD throughout the year and I feel so much calmer knowing that actually it is OCD - there is a name, a reason for it and I've found it really freeing as well as working to lessen the symptoms say it out loud etc ... I felt so positive!

I'm heartbroken that while I've been doing this work to improve myself for him, me and our wee one he's been so miserable. I thought we were happy and now I'm realising how delusional I've been.

Is it wrong to feel this way? A different perspective would really help.

I would let him know that dropping this on you and then going on a stag do just sounds like he was planning to cheat on you and came up with what he thinks is his get out if jail free card.

If he has been unhappy this year Boo fkin Hoo.
If he cared to look beyond his navel he might have realised what a tough time you had been going through

Maybe it’s time to call an end to this marriage as you don’t want to me married to a cheating scum bag who throws a grenade into your life then walks off.

Only discussion you are having next week is with a divorce lawyer

Personally I would be thinking 2 can play throw the grenade game. See how much he enjoys his weekend away when he knows that you know what he plans to get up to and what the results will be

Oh for god sake. @Lottie585 ignore this shit.

Telling you he’s unhappy does not make him a cheat, it makes him unhappy.

Telling her he is unhappy just as he is walking out of the door in his way to a stag do certainly points in the direction that he is thinking he might end up cheating

I’m sorry you’re having a crap weekend OP ..
That’s not something he should have said when he was heading out door for weekend , very unfair & thoughtless of him …
To say it has been the most miserable year of his life after his baby son being born is awful 😔..
You two need to talk when he gets back ..
i hope everything works out ok for you OP x

Sounds about right

I’m very sorry, @Lottie585 but this wouldn’t upset me - it would infuriate me.

And I’d probably text him and say something foolish so I’m really glad I’m not you.

That’s such a low down, dirty rotten thing to do your wife whom you know has been struggling and will pull at this like a loose thread on a sweater.

Does he know about us? I’m thinking he doesn’t.
I hope you insist he reads every single reply on this thread - the bastard.

I wouldn’t worry too much about somebody who waltzes out the door to attend a stag weekend.

He couldn’t be THAT unhappy.

Try and remember that truly unhappy people fret and wring their hands and moan and carry on.
They don’t go sailing out the door for a weekend with the guys - no matter if they’re the best man.

I think you’re a little more important.
And I’m sending love from faraway ❤️

edited to add: What’s his number? I’ll call him. In fact, we’ll ALL call him. lol

I'm on the fence having lived with my DH, who had MH struggles. It can be tough going. There might have been a level of PND and it can get worse with each pregnancy. He's telling you that he doesn't want more children. He could be ripe for an affair, time will tell. But he's done it when you have space to think through what you want. Could you be happy with just one child? Are you really working on your OCD? What were the agreements re night feeds etc pre pregnancy? You have a one year old, have OCD, yet wanted to start trying for baby number 2? It doesn't sound as though you are in touch with the reality of your situation and possible outcomes if another pregnancy tbh.

Saying he is unhappy does not mean he wants out. Things need to change but from him too. Not dealing with the child before his alarm or after 8 what the fuck is that shit? Sorry mate, news just in … it’s your child too.
See what he says but he also needs to recognise his failings not just what he thinks are yours.
I would be concerned he’s going on a stag do telling himself he wasn’t happy anyway , but don’t put up with shitty behaviour where he blames you. Yes ocd probably makes it difficult but relationships are hard and it’s not easy all the time.
look after yourself but don’t roll over and accept it’s all your fault because it’s not.

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. OCD is no joke.

Some practical advice if you want to save this relationship:

1. book in with a relationship therapist, someone with good reviews. You can speak to them solo before progressing to both being present.
2. read John Gottman’s 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
3. make a list of everything you love about yourself (or ought to!) including all the things hubby was attracted to when you first met.
4. write down YOUR needs and wants.
5. write down what life would look like for YOU if you separated. Child maintenance payments from hubby? Calculate them. Fancy moving or keeping the home? Would you potentially meet someone you love more & are happier with? Would your hubby take on parenting time solo so you’d be free to relax a few times a week?

Once DH is home greet him with your happy, smiley, confident self and say you’ve thought through what the future might look like, you’ve booked couples therapy, and you’ve decided what YOUR criteria are for staying. Phrases like “I’m not looking for someone who doesn’t make their happiness at least partly their own responsibility” or “my kind of man doesn’t mic drop & run off to a stag do” make it clear that you know you are worthy of a good partner. This kind of approach is more likely to make a man want the marriage rather than feel the female partner is a drag.

Soon after that, it’s time to remind him of all the good times you still have on the horizon. Organise lovely time with family, friends, and doing new things together. Men have poor imaginations, they need to have contentment demonstrated rather than discussed.

Finally, a subtle reminder that the temporary misery of raising a small child is less than the long term misery of another man being a much-loved and treasured step father to his child might be in order.

Remember; you feel broken down by his behaviour but you are the same brilliant, attractive and fantastic person he wanted to marry.

It strikes me as telling that your opening post barely mentions him.. Lots about your mental health issues, your wishes for a 2nd baby etc. and his unhappiness is almost a one liner. You don’t say how good he is at xyz, where you work as a team, how you enjoying zzz together or whatever. It feels weirdly transactional.

Regarding the baby at night and general help, are you particularly fussy about things being done in a certain way? Does he have freedom to bond with the baby in his own unsupervised way?

I think counselling would be effective to help you both discuss the issues in the right place.

There’s a lot of focus on how he’s dropped this bombshell and run. I think it matters how this happened.

Was he on his way out the door and turned to say “I’m off on the stag do. By the way, I’m unhappy and have been for a year, bye!” or was he stressed trying to organise and pack for the stag whilst you were being snippy with him and he snapped back in the heat of the moment?

Would paint two very different pictures.

I think this guy is a selfish prick and the timings arent coincidental. I would be meeting him with a deep breath, saying i've thought about what he said and agree we're not happy and its over. Watch him squirm and scramble to get his maid back after his stag do shenanigans!

OP, I hear you. I have OCD too and the first year of my baby’s life was HARD. My husband was a bit of a shit too - mostly when he felt the pressure was on, which meant that he could be incredibly unkind, which was awful. Still recovering from it and no idea what the future holds for us. I’m not a great one for relationship advice - I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to LTB when I didn’t myself.

I think it’s potentially more important to see how you’re coping with OCD because it can be rough. Do you take medication? Sertraline was a lifesaver for me (still is) and helped dampen intrusive thoughts and general poor mood. Have you been offered CBT or similar? I also took up a couple of hobbies to help redirect obsessional thinking (knitting and crochet are great for that due to constant counting).

Your husband sounds like he’s being a shit currently and you’ve had some good advice here. Please don’t forget to put yourself first.

This. Sounds like you both need to alter your behaviours, and stop being unkind to each other.

Have an honest chat when he gets back.

Sorry you are going through this. Firstly it’s good that he has expressed how he is feeling. He’s done it at a really shit time as he’s going away which isn’t fair on you. Not sure why everyone assumes blokes are up to no good on stag dos, I’ve been on loads & no of my mates have ever cheated etc Every marriage goes through difficulties, often after having kids as life completely changes. He may be having work struggles / baby blues / feeling lonely as most of the attention is likely to be baby focused which is natural. Arrange a time to have a calm chat when he gets back - perhaps a day or two afte, arrange a babysitter.. marriage & love is about choice, every day you need to choose each other & fight through the tough patch’s, the key is open honest communication however difficult. Good luck

What a dick move.. having a baby is tough, it takes a toll, everything changes and you have every right to be feeling the way you do! This isn't a reflection on you! Yes its been tough and its never easy getting dignoised with a health condition espically with a young child! Why hasn't he mentioned sooner? Was communication good before becoming parents?

I hope what ever happens you dont allow this to undo the hard work you've been doing on yourself x

He very rarely deals with our wee one past 8pm at night and gets annoyed if I ask him to get up before his alarm in the morning
I think this is very telling; he doesn’t consider the baby to be his responsibility. He ‘helps’ when he chooses. Sounds as though he’s resentful that he’s no longer the centre of OP’s world.

His timing is a not a coincidence. Neither is the fact that he does very little with his child - especially after 8pm!!!

OP, you should spend the time whilst he is away making sure you have copies of payslips & bank statements. Although these days I guess most of it is stored electronically, so a bit more difficult. Start Googling what benefits you might be entitled to & how much child maintenance he’d have to pay.

Maybe he’ll come back contrite & you can put your relationship back together. But, like others, I suspect he is using the time away to play the field. He will then string things along for a while when he gets back. You’ll think you are both trying to work things out while he’ll be planning his exit strategy. And he’lll be out god knows where every evening with lines like ‘you’re so controlling - this is suffocating our relationship’ if you question it.

Sorry, I seem to be skipping ahead a few months. But seriously, get angry. Tell him you’ve had time to think, and he’s not measuring up to what a husband & father should be. Pack his things & tell him to stay at his mum’s when he gets back. DONT leave him in possession of the house.

I'm seconding the 'boo fucking hoo' response. He can't just drop that bomb then waltz off to a weekend away.

Babies are hard. Dd was a reflux baby with very complex disabilities and it was like someone tossed a grenade into our usually solid relationship.

But we both had agreed before marriage that we never wanted our children to come from a split home. So we talked, and talked, and talked. Sometimes I just wanted to walk away, sometimes so did he.

And I can honestly say that I love that man more now and in a far deeper way than I did in the early exciting days.

But it would never have worked if one half was so disrespectful and dismissive of the others feelings. I'm so sorry op, his behaviour is unacceptable. He should have waited to discuss this at a time when you could process it and when he could be there to support you.

@Lottie585, my heart goes out to you. You have given abundantly to your H and baby, done the lion’s share of parenting, pushed through/worked on your OCD, and have felt positive. You do not deserve his heinous treatment - suddenly announcing that he has had the most miserable year and then leaving you in an unsettled state to go on this stag weekend. Only a shit husband and shit father would make such a cruel, abusive move.

In my view, he has an agenda to put distance between you to justify acting like a single guy this weekend. Perhaps he already has been. I would be investigating that.

My advice: don’t cling or do the pick me dance. This man is currently not your friend. Find your anger and tell him to stay elsewhere while you consider your options.

So you think it was OK for OP's DH to drop the bombshell that 'he hasn't been happy since our child was born and it's been the most miserable year of his life' and then just swan off on his stag do?

And OP should just tell him to have a lovely time and make sure that he's recovered properly from all the fun/drinking/possibly lap dancing clubs before she even raises this with him?

OP can't help having OCD but he can help not being an arsehole. He just doesn't want to. I'm pretty sure that ,in his head, his 'confession' about his unhappiness now gives him carte blanche to behave as though he were single on this stag weekend.

As soon as I saw he did this right before heading off for a stag do my heart sank. Totally suss. Like he is planning to cheat and then say ‘we were on a break’ or similar. Sorry OP. I would be going out of my mind. Whatever happens when he returns you need to tell him that was out of order! Find your anger. How dare he do that to you?!

I don't think that he is sleep deprived as he doesn't ever see to the baby after 8pm and he gets in a mood if OP asks him to get up to help with the baby before his alarm goes off. He has also made no effort to try and understand her OCD. He sounds like a prick to me.

Oh OP you poor thing. I am so angry for you! This man has behaved so selfishly. Perhaps he won’t actually do anything on the stag do, he may have just said it now to make you feel shit and try to ignite some jealousy in you to make himself feel better.
But as pp have said he may be justifying some awful behaviour on the weekend away.

Please look after yourself and remember you deserve so much more. Even if he has been an angel on this stag do and wants to make things work, it’s a 50/50 job to work on the relationship and it isn’t all on you.

well done for getting help with the OCD, big hug

OK to do this as he was leaving was unfair.

His feelings are important, and having OCD can be very challenging for other people to live, but he isn't telling you so you can deal with it, he told you and left you reeling while he having fun with his mates.

I would book yourself some therapy and deal with the OCD and self esteem. Put the 2nd baby on the back burner for a while and prioritise your mental health. It would be unfair to bring another child into this relationship at this point.