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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband said he isn't happy

133 replies

Lottie585 · 17/10/2025 17:03

I'm not really sure what to do and I'm really panicking. First off I should say I have OCD and this can have a detrimental impact on my response to things - I often overreact, obsess and then develop compulsions so if I'm overreacting I would love someone to tell me.

My husband told me today before he left for the weekend that he hasn't been happy since our child was born and it's been the most miserable year of his life. He said it's been really difficult, we've been unkind to each other and it's not how he wanted life to be. I was stunned to be honest as I thought we were going to be looking to start trying for baby number 2. This is not the case.

I'm heartbroken as whilst I knew it had been a challenging year, I felt it had been very rewarding. Our wee one isn't a good sleeper so I took the night feeds and the majority of the share when I was on maternity leave whilst he went to work. I also was diagnosed with OCD throughout the year and I feel so much calmer knowing that actually it is OCD - there is a name, a reason for it and I've found it really freeing as well as working to lessen the symptoms say it out loud etc ... I felt so positive!

I'm heartbroken that while I've been doing this work to improve myself for him, me and our wee one he's been so miserable. I thought we were happy and now I'm realising how delusional I've been.

Is it wrong to feel this way? A different perspective would really help.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/10/2025 10:05

ForeverHopeful3 · 19/10/2025 03:14

My gut is telling me that he's having the time of his life on this weekend getaway. Strippers, clubbing, just low life behavior from a married man with a child.

Honestly, I would take baby and leave and let him know you are going down lines for divorce. Cheating is vile and he is doing just that is what my woman's' intuition is telling me.

Oh come on. This is ridiculous, encouraging someone to split up and suggesting your "gut" is telling you he's cheating. You have no idea.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/10/2025 10:13

Eggs2022 · 19/10/2025 08:26

Yes but we’ve no idea how much he’s supported her over the last year - he might be doing everything he can to help - he said they’ve both been unkind so maybe - just maybe - there’s two of them in it and he’s not a horrible selfish man who does nothing to help. The timing mightn’t be great but like I said, who knows what the build up was. And everyone jumping to oh he’s going to go cheating and spend the weekend figuring out how to live on your own - maybe some advice from people who struggled after a baby but got things back on track might be more helpful?

Show quote history

This doesn't sound as though he is doing everything he can to help:

'My mood is more often dictated by how tired I am rather than OCD. He very rarely deals with our wee one past 8pm at night and gets annoyed if I ask him to get up before his alarm in the morning.'

Swiftie1878 · 20/10/2025 10:26

Hate to say it, but men don’t do stuff like this unless their head has already been turned/they’re already having an affair.
Brace yourself for a slippery conversation.

I’m so sorry you are going through this ☹️🩵

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 20/10/2025 11:01

It's good he is sharing ( albeit terrible timing). When he comes back ask him what his plan is to sort himself out. You are not responsible for his happiness. Also spell out the impact his unhappiness ( however that has been presenting itself).has on you and the baby and remind him it's not fair for it to impact you. He ne ds to sort himself out and step up.

Missj25 · 20/10/2025 13:19

DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/10/2025 10:05

Oh come on. This is ridiculous, encouraging someone to split up and suggesting your "gut" is telling you he's cheating. You have no idea.

Show quote history

Exactly..
Your gut is not telling you anything 🙄..
You don’t even know these people !

BauhausOfEliott · 20/10/2025 13:49

I think it's very, very common for men to struggle massively after a baby is born. Let's face, having a baby turns everyone's life upside-down and a lot of men feel pushed out or helpless. The maternal bond and all the raging hormones involved mean that new mums usually have that really intense, instinctive feeling about their baby. It's different for men, and they often feel bewildered and guilty about it. If your baby slept badly, and you had OCD that was especially focused on your husband's own mother, it's really, really not surprising that he feels it's been a really tough year.

I suspect you've felt differently about the past year because the whole year has been about you and your role as mother to your baby, which sounds like a role you always really wanted. You've been entirely focused on your baby and your relationship with the baby, plus your OCD, have been at the centre of everything. Having a baby is a massive, MASSIVE adjustment to anyone's life and I doubt there's been much room for him and his feelings - plus, he probably didn't feel he could express any of that when you were struggling with OCD and night feeds etc.

BauhausOfEliott · 20/10/2025 13:52

When he comes back ask him what his plan is to sort himself out. You are not responsible for his happiness. Also spell out the impact his unhappiness ( however that has been presenting itself).has on you and the baby and remind him it's not fair for it to impact you. He ne ds to sort himself out and step up

It's a marriage. It's not as simple as one person just needing to 'sort himself out'. It's not fair for the OP's feelings to impact on him and the baby either, but they obviously have been doing so, given her struggles with her mental health. Also, so far - apparently the OP thought everything was fine, so in fact her husband's feelings haven't had much/any impact on her at all, until now.

Hate to say it, but men don’t do stuff like this unless their head has already been turned/they’re already having an affair.

Fucking hell, Mumsnet is a repellent place sometimes. Heaven fucking forbid that a man might dare to admit they're unhappy. Or that anyone might consider that 'Yeah, he's fucking someone else, soz' might not be a helpful response to an anxious mother of a one-year-old who is already spiralling into obsessive thoughts, given that you know literally nothing about the people involved.

Missj25 · 20/10/2025 18:36

BauhausOfEliott · 20/10/2025 13:52

When he comes back ask him what his plan is to sort himself out. You are not responsible for his happiness. Also spell out the impact his unhappiness ( however that has been presenting itself).has on you and the baby and remind him it's not fair for it to impact you. He ne ds to sort himself out and step up

It's a marriage. It's not as simple as one person just needing to 'sort himself out'. It's not fair for the OP's feelings to impact on him and the baby either, but they obviously have been doing so, given her struggles with her mental health. Also, so far - apparently the OP thought everything was fine, so in fact her husband's feelings haven't had much/any impact on her at all, until now.

Hate to say it, but men don’t do stuff like this unless their head has already been turned/they’re already having an affair.

Fucking hell, Mumsnet is a repellent place sometimes. Heaven fucking forbid that a man might dare to admit they're unhappy. Or that anyone might consider that 'Yeah, he's fucking someone else, soz' might not be a helpful response to an anxious mother of a one-year-old who is already spiralling into obsessive thoughts, given that you know literally nothing about the people involved.

Yes this exactly..
It is really infuriating reading some of the dumb , zero thought gone into them , posts put up here , I was going to say sometimes , literally every day !!!!..

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