My husband said he isn't happy

[Lottie585]

I'm not really sure what to do and I'm really panicking. First off I should say I have OCD and this can have a detrimental impact on my response to things - I often overreact, obsess and then develop compulsions so if I'm overreacting I would love someone to tell me.

My husband told me today before he left for the weekend that he hasn't been happy since our child was born and it's been the most miserable year of his life. He said it's been really difficult, we've been unkind to each other and it's not how he wanted life to be. I was stunned to be honest as I thought we were going to be looking to start trying for baby number 2. This is not the case.

I'm heartbroken as whilst I knew it had been a challenging year, I felt it had been very rewarding. Our wee one isn't a good sleeper so I took the night feeds and the majority of the share when I was on maternity leave whilst he went to work. I also was diagnosed with OCD throughout the year and I feel so much calmer knowing that actually it is OCD - there is a name, a reason for it and I've found it really freeing as well as working to lessen the symptoms say it out loud etc ... I felt so positive!

I'm heartbroken that while I've been doing this work to improve myself for him, me and our wee one he's been so miserable. I thought we were happy and now I'm realising how delusional I've been.

Is it wrong to feel this way? A different perspective would really help.

When he said you've been unkind to each other, what was he referring to?

I don’t have children OP but from what I’ve heard and read. it’s normal for marital/relationship satisfaction to dip after the birth of the first child. It’s important to keep communicating.

So he decided to unburden that on young then go away and enjoy himself at the weekend with his mates. I’d be so upset with this. Sending you big hugs.
why not throw a curve ball next week and don’t pander to him. Tell him how disappointed you are in him and things need to change. Don’t go running, it’s what he wants.

So -
He is leaving for a fun-filled weekend minus children
He is unhappy in HIS marriage
YOU are at home with his child (possibly planned and wanted by him to be a mini-me) but
HE is unhappy and

YOU are asking what to do? Almost what to do for him to make his own life better?

From the outside, this is not your job to fix tbh. He's a grown up. Before you had a child you were probably equal - why did becoming a mother make you HIS mother?
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you grew a human and are keeping said baby human alive. He's unhappy? He can talk to you about how HE is going to fix it.
Stay strong.

It's unfair of him to drop a bomb on you like that before he goes away for the weekend. Presumably he knows you're now going to have a miserable weekend worrying and feeling anxious while he's pissing it up with his mates?

Has he spent the whole year being unhappy and not raised it until now? Is he right that you've been unkind to each other? Have there been lots of rows?

If I were you, I'd try your best to keep busy and put it out of your mind until he's back and you can have a frank face to face talk. Don't try and text or message him as you'll probably only disappointed by his lack of response. I think it's really rotten that he's done this but it is what it is - there is nothing to be done until you can have a proper discussion. Do you have a friend you can invite over for a movie and a takeaway once you've got baby down? You'll be better with company and keeping busy. Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug 💐

I haven't yet. There hasn't really been an occasion for one and I was so desperate to be a mum (always wanted to have lots of children) that I didn't really feel the need for one. Thank you for sending a hug.

There have been some rows but not that many.

It was hard at the start of my child's life because I was diagnosed with OCD and then my mother in law wouldn't stop kissing her (just on the cheek) but I was convinced she was going to pass on the herpes virus and my child was going to die (dramatic I know but that's OCD).

I haven't texted him - we've had zero contact. It's hard but the baby is keeping me company.

Cock.
he should be around to chat about things. Not drop a bomb and jog on.
The first year (or. Um. Maybe more 😬) when you have a baby is tough and when they don’t sleep it is near on impossible. You need to communicate and share the load, your life would have changed massively in the last 12 months but it does get back to normal, all be it a new normal. Hormones, sleep, routine are all up in the air and it takes time to settle. After this you are not being unreasonable but the starting point is talking.
If he isn’t there that stops that happening.

Enriching his knowledge about feminism?

What an absolutely batshit response. The man didn’t announce he hated having a child - why are you extrapolating wildly from what OP actually said to suit your own agenda?

Why even bother commenting when you have absolutely no advice of any use or value to give? It’s not an opportunity to jump on your soapbox. There’s a child involved who needs two parents to act maturely in their best interests.

He said it's been really difficult, we've been unkind to each other and it's not how he wanted life to be.

It sounds as though you have been quite difficult to live with and probably have been unkind.
He has probably also said some unkind things to you and he probably has found it very difficult.

The trouble is with MH, the person going through it doesn’t realise the impact it has on the other person.

I would rather my partner felt he could be honest and open with me than resent me.

I’d text him telling him to have a great time and that you’re glad he told you how he felt and that you’ll talk about it properly next week.

When he’s home (and recovered) then arrange a time to both sit down and talk it all through.
If neither of you are very good at communicating, then perhaps look into couples counselling to have that middle person.

Yeah, I'm not interested in any comment you make, there's no need to chastise me on multiple threads. Not 'batshit', but correct.
The man could and should have been striving to make himself excel in every way, and hasn't bothered.

I really really feel for you op. I got really unwell after my first child was born and ended up in a mental health facility due to believing something bad would happen to my baby. It sounds like you’re doing some incredible work on yourself and your OCD so congratulations for taking that step.

i agree with previous posters that dropping that bomb on you then going off on a stag do/lads weekend is beyond cruel and cowardly. I’d be asking him why he thought the best time to tell you that was just before he went away. Is he just a coward or does he think that means he can get up to god knows what while he’s away?

either way he sounds like he’s not thinking of you or your little one.
It must be really hard at the minute but just focus on yourself and your baby for now and try and have a think on what you want to say to him when he gets back.
sending you a big hug xx

I'd be away for a few days and let him arrive back to an empty house. If he messages you then just say you're disgusted with him and are taking time out to decide what you want. He's a colossal prick.

You’ve no idea whether or not he’s bothered 🙄

I agree with most of this.

His timing is off- he should not drop this on you just before he leaves for a weekend away, leaving you in limbo. It’s unkind. He should have waited until you could sit down and discuss how he feels and where you go from here. And when you do discuss it, i think you need to let him know this was unfair.

That said, he clearly is unhappy (and unlike a previous poster, i don’t think that means he hates his child or OP), and I think it is potentially telling that you have not noticed and were thinking you were going to plan baby 2. Of course, some people are excellent at masking their feelings, and I’m assuming he is telling the truth that this is not a very recent change, but most partners would have sensed some degree of dissatisfaction. Have you been unkind to each other? If you are honest with yourself been getting on well, or more like housemates who tolerate each other?

In my experience oIf an ex-partner with mental health problems- and this is in no way meant to make you feel guilty or lay all the blame at your door, as relationship issues are very rarely solely due to one partners behaviour- this did make him quite self-centred and sometimes he did not seem very aware of how he behaved/the impact it had on me. For example, he could be irritable and snappy, but did not always seem to even realise that he had been and would then get annoyed when I reacted or withdrew. And when he did acknowledge he had done or said something unreasonable, the mental health issue would be trotted out in an “and that means I can’t help it/ it’s not my fault/ you can’t blame me/ it’s my illness etc and used to keep everything in his comfort zone. I am not saying it was deliberate, for the most part I don’t think it was and was more of an unconscious strategy for him to be more comfortable/a way for him to feel more settled.

Sounds to me like he’s soft launching an affair. Dropping his excuses early.

This is mn so people will automatically blame him, we only know your version, we do not know who is the wrong and no I am not going to mention affairs, or blame either of you, maybe he wanted to tell ypu before he went away to you both space to think about things

I wont jump on the poor innocent you he is terrible to do thia to you endless bandwagon you mention old how do you think ypu are like to live with having that

He may be trying or he may be the cliched man people on froth about to blame the second a man in mentioned

All ypu can both do is talk, there was no rigjt time to bring this up it had to happen sometime

If he never mentioned it and just left he wpuld be blamed he mentions ot he is blamed, no matter what he does for some on here it is wrong, he is man that exists he is wrong we dont know what he is going through neither do you till you both communicate more

I have never blamed my snippiness on my OCD, in fact I spend a lot of time coping with it by myself pretending it doesn't exist to the outside world but I will admit he found it challenging at the start when I first diagnosed, mainly because he didn't understand it - although he has never really tried to understand it, he ignores it. My mood is more often dictated by how tired I am rather than OCD. He very rarely deals with our wee one past 8pm at night and gets annoyed if I ask him to get up before his alarm in the morning.
As I right this I am embarrassed that this is what my life is like but it's the truth 🤷‍♀️.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sure I am in no way an innocent bystander in this but I have never nor will I ever use OCD as an excuse for poor behaviour.

My gut is telling me that he's having the time of his life on this weekend getaway. Strippers, clubbing, just low life behavior from a married man with a child.

Honestly, I would take baby and leave and let him know you are going down lines for divorce. Cheating is vile and he is doing just that is what my woman's' intuition is telling me.

I'd be away for a few days and let him arrive back to an empty house. If he messages you then just say you're disgusted with him and are taking time out to decide what you want. He's a colossal prick.

I agree with the PP who referred to the typical man bashing here. The OP has spoken about her OCD yet there is zero interest in the impact that it may have had on the husband and therefore the marriage . As always. a man expressing being unhappy, despite there being a potentially understandable reason is met with a chorus of ‘’he just wants an excuse to cheat’. No wonder men are often reluctant to discuss their mental health.
I get that it’s the OP who is seeking support here and not the husband.
But this fixed narrative of cynicism and mistrust against men is not going to help resolve this issue at all. How dare he be unhappy when he has a child. Really?? So OP,, reject the biased lens that is so predictable here and actually begin to open your mind, using this time to reflect on your marriage in a transparent and empathetic way. I truly hope you can resolve this between you .

It’s the timing of his comment which has raised hackles here @Secretsandlies222

Oh come on. Have you read the OPs posts? He gets annoyed if she asks him for help during the night and he ignores her mental health issues. It’s not blanket men bashing it’s bashing a guy who on paper sounds like a prick.

I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time.

I disagree, I don’t think he is necessarily going to cheat etc. I do think it wasn’t great to say before he left for the weekend. I would find that hard and painful. Especially as you are looking after the baby alone for the weekend, that’s nice of you!

I think make sure you consider yourself, what you need, what you expect from him. Then when he gets back honestly discuss. See if you can put a plan in place. Time together (a babysitter?), therapy, etc what is needed.

I agree he needs to take responsibility, it’s not a problem for you to fix alone.

Do you have someone who could come and spend the weekend with you, also take your mind off it until he’s back a bit? I know I would really appreciate that.

Finally are you connected with supportive things related to being a mum? In our area there are various free (public or volunteer run groups) and private (mothers circles etc) some have funding and don’t charge much/ are almost free. Sending hugs and best wishes

Having a baby upsets most relationships, you’re both sleep deprived and yes you’re both not being great to each other, because you’re exhausted and stressed. Sometimes these things come out at the worst time, ie maybe it came out because he was going away but it wasn’t fair of him.