My husband said he isn't happy

[Lottie585]

I'm not really sure what to do and I'm really panicking. First off I should say I have OCD and this can have a detrimental impact on my response to things - I often overreact, obsess and then develop compulsions so if I'm overreacting I would love someone to tell me.

My husband told me today before he left for the weekend that he hasn't been happy since our child was born and it's been the most miserable year of his life. He said it's been really difficult, we've been unkind to each other and it's not how he wanted life to be. I was stunned to be honest as I thought we were going to be looking to start trying for baby number 2. This is not the case.

I'm heartbroken as whilst I knew it had been a challenging year, I felt it had been very rewarding. Our wee one isn't a good sleeper so I took the night feeds and the majority of the share when I was on maternity leave whilst he went to work. I also was diagnosed with OCD throughout the year and I feel so much calmer knowing that actually it is OCD - there is a name, a reason for it and I've found it really freeing as well as working to lessen the symptoms say it out loud etc ... I felt so positive!

I'm heartbroken that while I've been doing this work to improve myself for him, me and our wee one he's been so miserable. I thought we were happy and now I'm realising how delusional I've been.

Is it wrong to feel this way? A different perspective would really help.

Did he say what he's found hard specifically? Has his life changed that much? It sounds like he is still getting evenings off and a nice long sleep every night?

Probably going to get shot down here70 year old Grandma. Having seen parenting change I do feel parents are making things harder on themselves. Seems now all parents get years with no sleep and let kids in the marital bed. Later potty training means more work and how breast pumping to feed from the bottle mystifies me. Then those who won’t let family help.
i have tried to be open minded and yes some things we got wrong and things are better. But it is any wonder so many split up in the early years, easier when not married and usually the women pays the price.
I am not talking babies with conditions, but the general level of parenting now is too much to ask.
yes in a perfect world, both adults would grin and bear it for a few years, but add in housing and cost of living. I could weep for these parents, women more so. The experts have a lot to answer for. I went back to work at a high level, but baby slept through from 3 months after sleep training done with repeated settling, but no pick ups once in the cot. Same 4 years later, with no sleep , I would have lost my job and home. Dh worked in danger, so needed sleep even more.
yes op your husband is a git, but life should not be unbearable, if he is just a man boy then well rid

I don't know whether the timing is calculated/cruel or just unfortunate, but post-natal depression in men is a very real, very under-researched thing. Some estimates suggest about one in ten men will suffer it.

If he doesn't understand clinical OCD, or perhaps thinks it's a conscious choice you've made, that will amplify the depression because he will just see your condition making things more difficult for him than they already are.

My wife lost a parent within hours of having our first baby so her mind was understandably elsewhere, which left me feeling overwhelmed and isolated. DC1 was also a very colicky baby and it was me who bore the brunt of it. Within a month or so I felt absolutely broken, and that there was no way I wanted our long-planned second child. It took about 15 months to come back around to the idea.

If he says he's not happy and you value your marriage, listen to him. Talk to him, and work out how you can tackle the things he's unhappy about together.

What an arse hole. To drop something like that on you before a stag weekend is such a dick move. Of course your mind will still spiralling. Mine has and he isn’t my husband.

Babies don’t sleep well. It’s normal. People just seem obsessed with babies sleeping through the night when the reality is that they should be waking. My 3 year old still wakes a couple of times for a drink. Is it hard? Of course. It’s a massive change.

The first year or so after a baby is the hardest. Things have massively changed, new priorities. You have to consciously make an effort to be partners to each other because it’s too easy to get lost in being mum and dad.

I do think a lot of men assume their life will be exactly the same but with a baby but that’s just not possible. Do you think he would go to couples counselling? I’d say he probably would benefit from individual therapy as well.

Has he been supportive of you this year? Been understanding of your ocd?

Is this a total and utter bombshell shock to you? Has he been trying to tell you this previously? Has the relationship been really awful but you were hoping things would just improve?

He could have said it going out the door because he hadn’t the guts to say it previously or else that he has had his head turned. None of us know him but you do.

That was a dick move, and I am not surprised pp are suspicious about the timing.

I would be keen to hear what he has to say after this weekend, OP, but you should also think about what you want to say to him. Consider your priorities and your boundaries. How do you want and need things to be in order to have a good and happy marriage? Consider carefully what your limits are. You don't want to be in a situation where you agree to anything and everything just so that he stays.

Hi Op, that must have been such a difficult thing to hear. No wonder you are feeling panicked and heartbroken; anyone would after a shock like that. You’ve been doing so much work on yourself, trying to manage your OCD and be there for your little one, and it is completely understandable that you thought things were going well. I don’t think you were delusional, you were just seeing things through your own lens, one where you have been growing and doing your best.

That said, I think it is fair to acknowledge that it’s probably been a really tough year for him too. The first year with a baby can be so hard on a relationship; sleep deprivation, constant stress, no time for each other. And living alongside OCD can be confusing and draining for partners, even when they know you are doing your best and getting help. He might have been feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or disconnected without knowing how to say it.

That does not make what he said any less painful, but it might help to see it as him expressing his own struggle rather than rejecting you or the family. Sometimes people say “I have been miserable” when what they really mean is “I have been lost and exhausted and don’t know how to fix it”.

Maybe right now, it is about giving yourselves both a bit of space to breathe. When things have calmed down, you could talk about how you have each been feeling- maybe even with a counsellor if that feels doable.

You need to have a proper sit down and talk when he’s back. Very unfair of him to just drop this on you and leave without further explanation. He also needs to learn about OCD and how it’s something you just can’t easily control.

How have you been unkind to each other? You said you were desperate for children, did he feel the same way, was the baby planned?

Yep, interesting timing.

If one person in a marraige is unhappy then they should absolutely be honest and speak up. But the time to do that is NOT right before you go away for the weekend on a stag do.
At best, the timing was thoughtless and inconsiderate. He should have realised that dropping this bombshell on his wife, who he knows is diagnosed with an Anxiety disorder, right before leaving will mean she will inevitably spend all weekend ruminating and catastrophising whilst trying to care for a baby alone.
At worst, the timing is deliberately calculated so that if you later find out he has crossed a line on this stag do he can say "I told you I wasn't happy" and justify his behaviour, either to you or to himself.
When you get back you need to have a proper talk and while it's important to hear him out, you also need to address his timing and thought process behind it. I would be very curious to see how he behaves when he comes back from this weekend away.

I had that kinda thought that he’s basically dumping this on her now to give himself a hall pass on the stag do.
what a 🔔 🔚

@Lottie585 big hugs to you.

even if he comes back all contrite etc id maybe consider whether id want to be with him.

OCD is no fun and to leave you with that bombshell and on your own is cruel and heartless.

whether you can work past this or go it alone as a single parent please keep up the good work that you are doing managing your OCD so that it doesn’t affect your child. I have (admittedly mild) OCD and it’s not always easy to parent - you sometimes have to give yourself a bit of a talking too to recognise it’s the OCD making you paranoid - but it’s important to try to not let it impact on the child’s wellbeing. They will be fine despite our overactive brains trying to tell us otherwise.

Off cheating for the weekend but can justify it in his mind. Put him out, you and your baby will be fine.

The first year of having a baby is hard. It's difficult on relationships, intimacy and it changes who we are. Its not an easy transition. Although, it sounds like you have been doing a lot of the grunt work. Are you happy? Are you happy with his level of contribution to your family because it sounds like you are carrying him as a parent. It also sounds like he isn't actually a very good partner in the partnership sense. In my case, lack of sleep and stress exacerbates my OCD. Why is his sleep more important than yours? Why doesn't he care about your physical and emotional wellbeing?

If he is unhappy what exactly is he going to do about it? Is he committed to you and your marriage? What future does he see for himself? What support is he going to get to work on himself.

I think it's nasty for him to drop this in you and the fuck off for the weekend. This guy has dropped this on you and left you solely responsible for his kid all weekend worry about it. That doesn't sound like a good dad does it?

I reckon he's dropping this on you now as way of justifying in his mind whatever he gers up to during the stag. Its very cowardly and manipulative.

Living with someone with a mental health issue like OCD is very, very hard.

The fact OP didn’t know she had it means he didn’t know either. Pregnancy is a massive trigger.

That said, his reluctance to be hands on with the baby or get out of bed may indicate he’s one of those men who just don’t like having a baby and the disruption it brings to their life.

So it’s probably a combination of both factors.

I’ve read through the responses so far. Honestly, I think the worst thing you can do is ask mumsnet for advice if you’re have relationship problems. The man bashing and vitriol are on another level, you’ll never get a reasoned balanced response on here.
Apparently he’s definitely cheating, or at least planning to and if you can’t see it you’re a mug.
I know men cheat on stag weekends, most don’t but some do. I can’t understand why he would feel the need to create some sort of narrative beforehand? If he wanted to cheat why not just do it, chances are he would get away with it anyway.
More likely he thought he thought it would give you a chance to reflect for a couple of days before discussing the issues, which is not a bad idea especially as you weren’t aware of any real issues up until now.
Keep an open mind and have an honest discussion when he returns.

Wishing you all the best x

wow. His behaviour is pathetic and immature. He’s been sidelined because you’ve had a baby and all your attention isn’t on him. Boo fucking hoo.
Telling you this as he leaves for a stag weekend is fucking disgusting behaviour. He needs to grow up.

I just wanted to share my experience with you to show support. I'm a single mother so I can't really offer advise on relationships. But I've got OCD (very specifically developed after my last baby was born,) and it was so bad I barely even remember the first couple years of her life. It was like being in a fog. I rarely left the house the because I was so scared. Now she's 3 and I'm feeling a lot better thankfully, but it's always there like an undercurrent of anxiety. I have a fixation with avoiding head injuries and if you could see the mental images my brain comes up with you'd understand. It's pretty constant too. It's better than the graphic images of car crashes that would flash in my head keeping me from going to the store, etc. Thankfully that doesn't happen anymore. It's so difficult to live like this. I think it's deplorable we as humans can't seem to find any real help for women's health issues. There's no excuse for it. It's 100% not your fault. Perhaps your husband has misunderstood situations because he's never dealt with this level of anxiety. My oldest daughter (older teen) has reacted negatively to it and has had zero understanding or sympathy for me. So I could see a husband also not understanding and maybe taking some things personally instead of objectively looking at the OCD for what it is. Maybe if he understood better he would deal better? Marriage is in sickness and in health, but when the health issues don't present physically people tend to be less compassionate. I hope counseling and some education will help your husband, but mostly I hope you don't blame yourself. You've got a new baby and a new diagnosis (really a whole new brain to deal with) and it hasn't been very long. You deserve a lot more support imo and I hope you get it. You ought to be very proud of yourself for taking care of yourself and your child so well, and finding happiness in it too. It's a lot of responsibility and you stepped up quite well.

Married men with young children are a huge turn off.
Speaking for myself.
Otherwise, obviously, another shitty husband and father.

Did he genuinely want a child? Or did he do what most men do and just go along with it without really thinking it through or discussing expectations of what family life looks like?
Most men are completely apathetic about having kids but rather than using their words or growing a spine they bumble along with this family idea and then regret it, throw their toys out of the pram and turn into a complete tosser when they realise their man child lifestyle might have to change.
Most of the ones that claim they genuinely want a child only want one if they don’t have to do anything or change the way they live and act.
Its a tiny proportion that both genuinely want one AND step up as a decent father and family man.
Women that want kids should just do it and team up with their female friends to raise them properly.

Married men with young children are a huge turn off

What an utterly bizarre thing to post @Luckyingame. Why would you think that was relevant? 😂

You say your older DD has no understanding or sympathy - but do you have either for how hard it has been for her to have a mother with a mental health disorder in general and OCD in particular? Do you really understand how stressful and distressing it has been for her?

My would you have another child when your anxiety is so extreme, given that the older one clearly didn’t love the experience?

How much treatment have you had? Was any of it successful?

So he’s dropped a bomb and gone off an all weekend binge with his mates. He’s basically set himself up for a weekend of and blamed you for whatever happens before he’s even left.
Thats cruel and I would not be considering any second babies with him

Well, many posters suggest he had "his head turned". I cannot imagine who would be interested in him and possibly breaking up a family.
Also, I said I speak for myself.

Has he contacted you at all op?

Golden407 gives really good advice ❤️