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Original poster

Children asked to spy on parent

200 replies

MrJonson · 16/10/2025 23:39

Hi All,

Long time reader, first time poster here. 👋

I’ve been separated for just over a year. Not divorced yet but my ex has recently moved out of the former matrimonial home (FMH).

I have three kids (12/12/8) and found out recently that my ex asked the 12 y/o to report to them in real time if they were ever left alone in the house or if they have late nights (time undefined) at my house.

My seperation is fast becoming arbitrary and high conflict as I continue to set boundaries with the ex: Ex took kids to their longtime counsellor without telling me, moved them from their old GP to a new one, moved out of the FMH and cancelled all of the utilities, even those in joint names.

Am I being unreasonable calling this behaviour out by saying the below via email?

Where do people think I stand in the eyes of Family Court / CAFCASS if I call this out and set another boundary?

I understand you have asked the children to inform you about aspects of their time with me.

Children should never be placed in the middle of parental dynamics or made to feel responsible for monitoring or reporting on their parents.

This is not in their best interests and must stop immediately.

I will continue to keep you informed about anything important regarding their health, safety, or wellbeing, and I expect the same in return.

The children are not intermediaries in matters between us; your behaviour must stop and this boundary must be fully respected.

All views gratefully received, thanks!

OP posts:
INX · 16/10/2025 23:49

Yeah, sounds fair enough to me.

How do you know she asked the kids to spy?

Did they tell you themselves?

Tryingatleast · 16/10/2025 23:52

Could you get mediation or counselling to try and set some stuff in stone for the future? Sounds so difficult

TheSandgroper · 17/10/2025 00:32

Writing to him might piss him off. Have a plan to deal with it.

However, this is inappropriate behaviour and you are best get it in writing.

Regardless of his behaviour (although this is the current issue), you should be seen as always trying to do the right thing.

Explain to all your dc that the divorce is between you and your ex and that’s where you would prefer it to stay. That you will facilitate a relationship between them and their father but you will keep divorce stuff between you ex and you unless and until it is going to affect them. Don’t say “he’s doing wrong”. Just say “this is my promise to you”.

Littlenest88 · 17/10/2025 00:35

Why are you leaving your kids alone and letting them stay away late

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2025 01:10

Littlenest88 · 17/10/2025 00:35

Why are you leaving your kids alone and letting them stay away late

Seriously?

Littlenest88 · 17/10/2025 01:36

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2025 01:10

Seriously?

Show quote history

Sorry if I’m mistaken but are you not someone often seen on the benefit threads. If the op wants her kids to be working adults they need a good nights sleep

HelenaWaiting · 17/10/2025 05:00

Littlenest88 · 17/10/2025 01:36

Sorry if I’m mistaken but are you not someone often seen on the benefit threads. If the op wants her kids to be working adults they need a good nights sleep

Show quote history

Well this is some seriously weird stuff. The OP didn't say that the kids were being left alone or allowed to stay up late. Why are you so accusatory?

limescale · 17/10/2025 05:03

How did they cancel utilities in joint names w/o your authority?

Zanatdy · 17/10/2025 05:05

That’s awful. 12yrs olds can stay home alone. Mine were getting the bus home at that age with their own key. Colleagues son age 11 takes 3 buses across London from school and lets himself in. He is clearly interested in what you are doing still. I’d speak to your DC and say their dad shouldn’t have asked them to spy on you. Advise them that they shouldn’t have been asked to do that. Your ex is an idiot who is still trying to exert some control over you / kids.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 17/10/2025 05:16

The ex is asking those specific questions as he wants to know if op has started dating.

Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 05:33

INX · 16/10/2025 23:49

Yeah, sounds fair enough to me.

How do you know she asked the kids to spy?

Did they tell you themselves?

Yes, one of my twins volunteered the information to me last night; I was stunned. My ex moved out but still somehow has control over my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 05:37

Tryingatleast · 16/10/2025 23:52

Could you get mediation or counselling to try and set some stuff in stone for the future? Sounds so difficult

We’ve tried counselling but my ex doesn’t want you to do it anymore. I had my MIAM mediation meeting yesterday so this is probably the way forward. I just know that if I bring it up I’m going to get punished for daring to call them out, but if I leave it I’m condoning my ex’s behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 05:41

TheSandgroper · 17/10/2025 00:32

Writing to him might piss him off. Have a plan to deal with it.

However, this is inappropriate behaviour and you are best get it in writing.

Regardless of his behaviour (although this is the current issue), you should be seen as always trying to do the right thing.

Explain to all your dc that the divorce is between you and your ex and that’s where you would prefer it to stay. That you will facilitate a relationship between them and their father but you will keep divorce stuff between you ex and you unless and until it is going to affect them. Don’t say “he’s doing wrong”. Just say “this is my promise to you”.

Reacting in any way is going to annoy my ex and will make them respond negatively, but I don’t think I can just sit and do nothing. I definitely need a plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 05:46

Zanatdy · 17/10/2025 05:05

That’s awful. 12yrs olds can stay home alone. Mine were getting the bus home at that age with their own key. Colleagues son age 11 takes 3 buses across London from school and lets himself in. He is clearly interested in what you are doing still. I’d speak to your DC and say their dad shouldn’t have asked them to spy on you. Advise them that they shouldn’t have been asked to do that. Your ex is an idiot who is still trying to exert some control over you / kids.

i feel my most important reaction is towards my kids. I don’t want them to feel like they are caught awkwardly in the middle of something. The child who told me, was crying in my bed last night as they now feel conflicted and hate the fact they’ve been asked to report on what’s going on. This isn’t the first time they’ve been weaponised, but it’s certainly the worst example I’ve seen during our separation.

OP posts:
SunnyKoala · 17/10/2025 05:48

Do the children live with you? If not, then she surely needs to cancel any bills in her name as she no longer lives there. Even if they are with you then she needs to pay maintenance not your bills .

Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 05:51

Littlenest88 · 17/10/2025 00:35

Why are you leaving your kids alone and letting them stay away late

I took my youngest into town on Saturday to get his hair cut and left my 12 year olds in the house to do their homework. They are sensible and responsible kids and they have phones and know to call me if needed. The situation is now that if I do this again they’ve been programmed to call my ex who has said they’ll come to my house and take the kids away. I’m being totally controlled, even in separation.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 17/10/2025 05:52

@MrJonson my apologies. I believe that I missexed you.

Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 05:56

limescale · 17/10/2025 05:03

How did they cancel utilities in joint names w/o your authority?

It’s apparently very easy. Joint water, electricity, gas, council tax accounts were all cancelled the day they moved out. The internet and TV was in their name (it couldn’t be in joint names). When I found out, it was like my foundations were being attacked at a new level.

OP posts:
UnintentionalArcher · 17/10/2025 05:56

limescale · 17/10/2025 05:03

How did they cancel utilities in joint names w/o your authority?

I think pretty easily … in my experience if one of you rings up, that’s enough to make the cancellation (you might have to confirm verbally that the other person’s given you authority to do so).

tripleginandtonic · 17/10/2025 05:59

You don't have to let yourself be controlled. If your dc are happy to be left and it's not overnight then they can be left So what if they tell their dad?

Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 06:01

SunnyKoala · 17/10/2025 05:48

Do the children live with you? If not, then she surely needs to cancel any bills in her name as she no longer lives there. Even if they are with you then she needs to pay maintenance not your bills .

We have 50/50 shared care. I paid all the bills and running costs for the house and the accounts were in joint names. Cancelling them outright was unnecessary as my ex could’ve just taken their name off.

OP posts:
deadpan · 17/10/2025 06:18

Try and keep a diary. Anything made contemporaneously should be taken into account and makes you look as though you've accurately monitored the situation. I'd seek advice immediately, moving your kids to a different GP is not a mild step, it's extremely manipulative. It looks as though your ex might try to say they were worried for the children's health etc. You could call social services.

Globules · 17/10/2025 06:20

MrJonson · 17/10/2025 05:46

i feel my most important reaction is towards my kids. I don’t want them to feel like they are caught awkwardly in the middle of something. The child who told me, was crying in my bed last night as they now feel conflicted and hate the fact they’ve been asked to report on what’s going on. This isn’t the first time they’ve been weaponised, but it’s certainly the worst example I’ve seen during our separation.

Show quote history

I hate to say it, but be prepared for it to get worse...

Most Xs turn into vile creatures that you don't recognise when a marriage is ending

Starwarsepisode3 · 17/10/2025 06:22

Are you a same sex couple? Or gay? Or if heterosexual, why are you hiding your sex?

Original poster
MrJonson · 17/10/2025 06:23

Globules · 17/10/2025 06:20

I hate to say it, but be prepared for it to get worse...

Most Xs turn into vile creatures that you don't recognise when a marriage is ending

Edited
Show quote history

This is what I’m seeing. Their actions have been so unanticipated and so extreme…I haven’t seen any of it coming.

OP posts: