Children asked to spy on parent

[MrJonson]

Hi All,

Long time reader, first time poster here. 👋

I’ve been separated for just over a year. Not divorced yet but my ex has recently moved out of the former matrimonial home (FMH).

I have three kids (12/12/8) and found out recently that my ex asked the 12 y/o to report to them in real time if they were ever left alone in the house or if they have late nights (time undefined) at my house.

My seperation is fast becoming arbitrary and high conflict as I continue to set boundaries with the ex: Ex took kids to their longtime counsellor without telling me, moved them from their old GP to a new one, moved out of the FMH and cancelled all of the utilities, even those in joint names.

Am I being unreasonable calling this behaviour out by saying the below via email?

Where do people think I stand in the eyes of Family Court / CAFCASS if I call this out and set another boundary?

I understand you have asked the children to inform you about aspects of their time with me.

Children should never be placed in the middle of parental dynamics or made to feel responsible for monitoring or reporting on their parents.

This is not in their best interests and must stop immediately.

I will continue to keep you informed about anything important regarding their health, safety, or wellbeing, and I expect the same in return.

The children are not intermediaries in matters between us; your behaviour must stop and this boundary must be fully respected.

All views gratefully received, thanks!

Who said the OP is doing that? Get a life! Keyword warrior! Reading comprehension bad eh?

And the email he wants to send is screamingly abusive and massively controlling. In my opinion.

And also in my opinion.

As I’ve said. I can sense both but there’s a different tone to an abusive man’s communication which is why I said man in this case, and as I also said why I asked what the op’s sex was before I answered. Because I was getting controlling man vibes.

The tone from an abusive woman is different.

Don't be ridiculous.
Why should get name be on bills on a house she doesn't live in?

Yes, fully agree with this.

@MrJonson why did your wife leave you?

don't leave 12 year olds alone in the home then?

Use an app to communicate and get the separation finalised asap.

Exactly.

my ex couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going to keep paying house insurance and sky and gas and electric.

I told him to take the bills on himself. Gave him a couple of months and then I simply couldn’t afford it with three kids to house and clothe and a house to kit out. Sorry n all.

Look at you all arguing about ridiculous things when the obvious is staring you in the face!

When I read the OP, the tone made me feel somewhat uncomfortable. I wasnt sure whether you were using certain language in a pretentious manner to compensate for possible manipulative behaviour. Or, whether you were using this type of language to assert dominance, maintain control and status.
This is what stands out to me regarding the way you speak, eg:
"my house" - aren't you married? If so, the house is also your wife's.
"the" ex, instead of my ex reveals you are somewhat dismissive of her.
You mention that the children's mother took them to their "longtime" counsellor, but you were miffed because she didn't tell you - what should she have told you about exactly? Did she always have to run everything past you?

• What was the reason the children started seeing a counsellor a long time ago?
• What are these boundaries you say you keep setting, that are seemingly causing such high conflict?
• Why do you feel you need to set boundaries?

Because you haven't specified, I am assuming the children's main residence is with their mother regardless of having equal parental rights. Therefore, her changing their GP to one nearest their new home is entirely appropriate, particularly if she needed to get them into a school in that location too.

• What irked you about her moving out of the family home which you later describe as "your house" ?
• Why was her name on the bills if you were the sole bill payer?
• in order to continue with a service as a sole occupier, quite often a other account needs to be set up. Your wife informing them of her departure was not incorrect. I'm assuming you were aware of her impending departure prior to the day?

Lastly accusing her of "behaviour" that "needs to stop". These words you have chosen mplies that you are accusatory and coercive.

What you haven't done, OP, is give real examples of what your wife means when she wants the children to inform her when they are alone.
For example, are they simply left alone when you pop to the shops? Was the a knock at the door which scared them, so they rang their mum? In which case, her asking to ring them if they are alone again, knowing that they get scared, is very reasonable. I highly doubt she would be asking them to ring her if they were sitting happily engaged in an Xbox game or film or something?
Or, were they left for longer periods?
You don't specify.

You leave alot of stuff out and one can only wonder why.

I'd send the email. I'd also try and take into account that she might be genuinely worried about some aspects like kids being left alone, rather than vengeful (or might be building up a cade to try and accuse you of neglect and have them more). I'd therefore add a paragraph to assure her in the email that the older two have told you that they're happy on their own for short periods, they're never left in the night or when they're ill or for more than (whatever time period), you've gone though what to do in an emergency with them and you make sure their phones are charged and your phone is on and has signal so they can call if needed, so they are safe. It may or may not reassure but more paper trail if needed in the future

That's what struck me most about the post rather than it's content...

the point is you start posts “actually you said….” and then post exactly what I said I’d said.

we absolutely do know for sure that men are many many more times likely to engage in both violence and coercive control.

women’s aid and EIGE have both reported on this. Prosecution stats in both England and Wales and Scotland represent this as does police arrest data.

You can pretend it’s all just mutual abuse and women are as bad as men. But everyone except abusive men know the reality of sex based violence.

Much research has shown things like coercive control have about equal stats. What changes is what can be weaponised to coerce. Typically women have less, so can use less. That's changing in various ways.

There are 2 x 12 years old and an 8 year old, not working age and not adults.

"What was the reason the children started seeing a counsellor a long time ago?" - I think the OP means that his ex took their children to see her long time counsellor without telling him but because he had removed gendered pronouns from his post, it can be read as saying that it is the children's counsellor.

No, the poster clearly said that the mum should absolutely let go and keep out of things when the kids are at their dads. However, it can be difficult to do this at first and it's better to assume your co-parent is acting out of love for their kids rather than a desire to harm you personally.

This is sensible advice. Amicable parenting only works when parents are actually amicable and don't jump on every potential mistake.

Does murdering your spouse have equal stats as well in your world?

No as I said, women are more likely to be seriously injured. It's helpful if you remember the progression of the argument as you proceed with it or we just go around in circles.

It's a totally reasonable message. Lets hope it doesn't progress to your ex bad mouthing you to the kids because it is so damaging for them.

Women are more likely to be seriously injured and killed by their male partners than vice versa. If you agree with that statement then you should also agree that male-on-female violence is more serious and a bigger problem than female-on-male.

The clue is in OPs name..

It's a bigger criminal issue, but research shows us that regardless of sex, IPV is a prominent social issue and prevalent regardless of demographic.

I agree somewhat. I don’t think there was any real attempt at deception on the OP’s part though. Username was a giveaway and ‘pompous’ was the exact word I had in mind to describe the writing style, which was entirely reminiscent of a male imo.

Gender-neutral language I always find a bit irksome but you get your fair share of posters using it who swear up and down that they’re female. 🤷‍♀️

It not the same because we are still together but I have a 10 year old who walks home from school on her own and has a key.
I let her walk across the road the other day to play with her friend who was waiting there with her mum and he went ballistic when he got home and heard she’d walked over on her own, it’s only 5 minutes and at the end of our road.

I think parents will always have different views but when you’re together you take their views into consideration but when you’re separated I think you each have to parent how you see fit in your own time with them and respect the other to do the same.
It gets more complicated when step parents get involved not because one or the other is wrong but because you won’t always make the same decision as another parent might unfortunately.

And as I’ve said multiple times. I had a Mr name at a time on here but I’m female.

You will always get the occasional erm, outlier but generally, I think it’s reasonable to assume someone with a male title/username is, or wants to be thought of as, a man.

Unless it’s a parody name. Which this OP’s username doesn’t appear to be.