Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

At 18, surely your DSS is capable of deciding who he wants there? He doesn’t need his mother to speak for him at that age.

are ticket numbers limited?

Graduations often only have two tickets. Are you honestly thinking you should get that ticket over his mum?

And if mum and dad really don't get on I can see why he may well feel it's better just to have them there rather than a two to one misbalance.

It's his day, and if you love him as you say you do, then be happy for him and don't make his abiding memory of graduation being about you making it about you.

Sorry but I think it’s fair enough.

Graduations are frequently limited to two tickets. It's lovely that you are an important part of his life, but his actual mother is pretty important.

Tickets are limited, I think it’s fine for both his parents to be there. But she doesn’t get to choose who he wants to have at his special dinner, absolutely not. Also the way she expresses herself is fairly rude - but some people are just rude I guess. I’d suck up the fact that I won’t be at the ceremony, but everything that happens after is open to whomever he wants to be there. Sorry it’s upset you.

Kind of, this.
The first paragraph I wouldn’t have necessarily known so I don’t think OP definitely knows.
The rest of it, I get.
Theres a good chance this young man loves and appreciated you but that with logistics (ticket restrictions) and awkwardness of his mum and dad being together, he’s crumbling.
I don’t believe this is personal.
Could you take him for dinner the week after to keep the celebrations going?

How many tickets can he get or can be bought for him? I appreciate you are abroad so it might be more than is normal here.

He’s 18. Surely your DH can just ask him calmly if he wants it to be just parents or you as well. Just accept his answer and go from there.

I don’t want to diminish your positive relationship but with kindness he has two parents and maybe just wants to celebrate with them? It sounds like you have lots of lovely things planned around the graduation and I think in your shoes I would focus on those. Although if he had a stepfather going then I’d be tempted to reply differently.

I think you should let it go.

A friend of mine was telling me how she ended up feeling like a maiden aunt at her daughter’s graduation at she was there with her and new wife. They get on fine, but she felt totally othered.

You can really be the drama free zone in your dss’s life. He will love you for it.

Has your husband asked his son what he wants to do?

He 18 and he now has a choice of who he wants there and he has chosen just his parents. I think you just need to respect that and not make a drama about it.

As sad as it is for you, I think celebrations like this should be for parents only.

Maybe you could go out for a meal another day to celebrate? I think this should be for his mum and dad.

Graduations usually have a 2 ticket limit. Unless you have been his mother figure in place of his mum I would let this one go. It’s one day. Celebrate with him later.

Where on earth do they have graduation ceremonies from school ? I thought at that age they all just wanted to go out and get pissed with their mates

There are 4 tickets available per family and more per ballot. I never once said I should have his mum’s ticket.

Does his mum have a partner? You say things are acrimonious and she and dh are pretty much NC. What was it like when you and her were last in a room together? What have your previous interactions been like?

On one hand I think DSS should decide if he wants you there or not. On the other hand if he says yes and you go how will that affect the atmosphere during an event that should be about him?

I would leave it to DSS and DH and not push it and maybe plan a separate celebration with DH and DSS.

YANBU for being upset given how close you are to DSS and your contribution to his life.

In that case, your dh needs to have a conversation with his ds and find out what he really wants to do. It may be that he wants to limit tensions on the day, if this is coming from him.

Have you actually spoken to your dss to see what he wants because that message sounded like his mom's opinion if you get on usually

Yes I never got the impression you were suggesting taking his mums slot. I think a conversation between dad and your DSS needs to happen - a very gentle, ‘would you like your step mum there or not, no wrong answers just whatever you prefer’ type thing. His ex sounds very odd!

It's tricky because it's not clear what your DSS actually wants...

If he does just want Mum & Dad (and if he does try not to take it personally although I can appreciate how upsetting it must be - it's likely due to his feelings about his own Mum rather than how he feels about you) then his feelings and wants are the most important thing here.

But it feels like it could be Mums doing 🤔 especially the "don't talk to DSS" bit...in which case she's a fucking shit stirring bitch and you're right to be furious and thwart her plans

dh Needs to have a conversation with da and see what he wants, but if it is try and not take it to heart. At my leavers ceremony I wanted my mum and dad, they both had new partners who were nice but I wanted to end school with just my parents.

Your DH needs to speak with his DS about his wishes and go from there but if he just wants his parents and has told his Mum this and she has just relayed the message then let it be! If she has messaged and she wants it to just be them then she needs speaking to which is more likely as shes told your DH not to contact DS! Shes trying to dictate the day!

It is no reflection on you if you don't end up going, it's just the situation. I'm a stepmum too so i do understand how you are feeling about this and how upset you will be. I've been there where my DH has been to events with his ex wife but i think about how important it is to the children. It helps to put them at the centre rather than the ex or your DH!

Do you think those actually are his wishes, or do you think she's lying? The fact that she asked you not to discuss it with him makes me suspect she might be manipulating all of you.