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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

1000 replies

Samui25 · 16/10/2025 22:43

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 16/10/2025 23:38

whatever it takes to make sure the focus of this day stays on your dss, you need to do that. The fact that you were already planning to make meal decisions on the day of speaks to a greater issue. Most families have the entire day mapped out in detail.

it may be that you need to celebrate with him at a separate time. That doesn’t mean you can’t do something special.

INX · 16/10/2025 23:41

That's a hell of a lot of fuss for a kid leaving school.

I would've hated all that at his age and warring parents/step parents would've made it worse.

Your husband should breezily ask him if he wants you all there and respect his answer.

I can't imagine what University is going to be like, if all this is going on now.

Zonder · 16/10/2025 23:41

Let this one pass and you will have a string of future events she tries to pull the same trick at.

DH needs to speak to his son. I bet he knows nothing about it. He owes his ex nothing.

poetryandwine · 16/10/2025 23:42

I mostly agree that DH should check directly with DSS about the latter’s wishes - which need not reflect a desire to exclude you even if there are genuine limitations.

The catch is that this must be done in such a way as to allow DSS an out if he thinks having you and his mum at the event is too much (which also need not be a relection on you). Can DH manage that?

Diarygirlqueen · 16/10/2025 23:48

When the mum wrote you owe me this, it sounds as if you were maybe involved in the end of their marriage? It might explain where she's coming from. I also think you crying and going to bed is definitely an overreaction for an 18 year old finishing school.
This poor kid, what will it be like if he graduates.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 23:48

Are you going to be crying if you’re not on the top table at his wedding too? You’re not his mum, let the woman who birthed him have her rightful place and his milestones. Yes you love him, just like his aunties and his parents friends do , but you’re not a parent

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/10/2025 23:48

Dad needs to speak with his son to find out if this is what he wants or is it what his Mum wants. You can then decide what shod happen.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 16/10/2025 23:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2025 23:33

Well don’t take her word for it. Of course DH needs to talk to his son.

Let's not always assume 'bitter ex'. DSS could have asked her to have this conversation on his behalf precisely because he doesn't want to have to confront the issue directly. The absolute last thing he probably wants is for his father to put him on the spot and force him to choose which parent to stand behind.

I say this as a mum of 2 only slightly older young men whose father wanted his partner included in everything from day 1. They really aren't happy about it but are too respectful of everyone's feelings to say so, so they just put up with the discomfort and whinge to me about it. If it was something as important to them as graduation I would speak up on their behalf, too.

InterIgnis · 16/10/2025 23:49

“Don’t talk to DS about it”, aka “I actually haven’t spoken to DS about this at all, so he’s got no idea that I’m trying to manipulate this event to my liking, and I don’t want him finding out”

What matters is what he wants. Don’t take his mother’s word for it, ask him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 23:51

Fourcandleforkhandle · 16/10/2025 23:38

I am not surprised your Husband is livid. If up to 4 tickets are available then ofcourse you should go but just clarify with Dss that he would like you there ( why wouldn't he you sound like you care about him)
Just imagine in a couple of years time when your Dss is wanting to get married and your DH's ex sends another message to him saying your wife shouldn't be in the photos or that she and him should only sit together with the Bride and Groom etc.

I fully agree that only the parents should be at the top table. They are the most special people to the bride and groom. The maid of honour is there are the brides best friend - he husband isn’t on the top table too just because he’s married to the maid of honor. The top table is for the people most special and important to the married couple, not their special peoples plus ones

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 23:52

InterIgnis · 16/10/2025 23:49

“Don’t talk to DS about it”, aka “I actually haven’t spoken to DS about this at all, so he’s got no idea that I’m trying to manipulate this event to my liking, and I don’t want him finding out”

What matters is what he wants. Don’t take his mother’s word for it, ask him.

Or ‘ugh dad will want to bring step mum too but I just want to be like my friends with only my parents for once. But he’ll go mad and she’ll cry if I don’t invite her they’re so dramatic, can you just tell them mum?’

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 23:54

Diarygirlqueen · 16/10/2025 23:35

My best friend went through the exact situation, she was the son. She had a great relationship with her stepmum but just wanted her mum and dad at the ceremony. She tried to explain to her dad but he wouldn't back down and let her have it. It still hurts her.
Let it go, let him have this with his mum and dad. They've been divorced for years and maybe the son would like one experience with his parents.
I would be wary of your husband mentioning it as the ss may feel guilt and back down.
Maybe he could bring it up casually and say, so its just your mum and me attending? And then laugh?
At the end of the day, his mum does have more rights.

Listen to this op this is exactly what I just thought

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 16/10/2025 23:55

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 23:52

Or ‘ugh dad will want to bring step mum too but I just want to be like my friends with only my parents for once. But he’ll go mad and she’ll cry if I don’t invite her they’re so dramatic, can you just tell them mum?’

Show quote history

Exactly.

From recent and extensive experience!

Your average 18yo boy when put on the spot is NOT going to say 'no Dad, I don't want Samui there'. He's going to capitulate and then feel like shit about it and feel even more shit for letting his mum down and making her look like an ogre.

BeanQuisine · 16/10/2025 23:56

Ascertain what the stepson wants, and take it from there. If he's happy for you to go with your husband, then by all means ignore the mother's "orders", she's not in a position to determine these things.

ComedyGuns · 16/10/2025 23:56

fairfat40 · 16/10/2025 22:55

I think you should let it go.

A friend of mine was telling me how she ended up feeling like a maiden aunt at her daughter’s graduation at she was there with her and new wife. They get on fine, but she felt totally othered.

You can really be the drama free zone in your dss’s life. He will love you for it.

Gosh - seeing this on the other shoe is shocking. That poor woman - I would have been devastated.

You need to be very diplomatic in this situation OP, if you want a lasting relationship with your DSS.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2025 23:56

Zodiacrobat · 16/10/2025 23:26

“Do not upset him further by discussing …”

Oh aye? I wouldn’t believe a word she says about this and yes I would be asking DH to check with DSS about his wishes for this! I reckon she’s trying it on.

I don’t

PrincessofWells · 16/10/2025 23:57

I think you need to be the bigger person here and just let it go. Your response is that it's hurtful but you can choose to accept that the day is about him and his two parents or not. The result will be the same.

Be happy that you've contributed to him reaching this point. You really don't need public acknowledgement of that, you know and that's what counts. It takes a village and you are part of that village.

JFDIYOLO · 16/10/2025 23:58

Ask your dss what he wants.

There's a reason she's your DH's ex - sounds like she's not a very nice person and may be lying and manipulating things to stir up trouble.

But she's his mother, and he may well want both parents there. His choice that she's invited, and it's natural to want that.

I see there are four tickets. What are they intending to do with the other two? It would be reasonable for you and any partner of hers to go on those. But if there are say grandparents or siblings, they should take precedence.

Ask him what he wants to do.

It may be a case of him standing up to his mother, supported by his dad and you.

roycroppersshopper · 16/10/2025 23:58

ManchesterGirl2 · 16/10/2025 23:08

Do you think those actually are his wishes, or do you think she's lying? The fact that she asked you not to discuss it with him makes me suspect she might be manipulating all of you.

This 100%

Melancholyflower · 17/10/2025 00:01

I think some people are missing that he isn't actually graduating in the way most of us understand it -he's just leaving school, which everyone does, unlike getting a degree.

BeanQuisine · 17/10/2025 00:02

PrincessofWells · 16/10/2025 23:57

I think you need to be the bigger person here and just let it go. Your response is that it's hurtful but you can choose to accept that the day is about him and his two parents or not. The result will be the same.

Be happy that you've contributed to him reaching this point. You really don't need public acknowledgement of that, you know and that's what counts. It takes a village and you are part of that village.

Or, being the bigger person here might entail turning up for her stepson's graduation, rather than letting his mother make it all about her unresolved grievances.

caringcarer · 17/10/2025 00:02

When my DD graduated she could only get 2 tickets. She gave one to her Dad and one to me. We sat apart. After the ceremony her Dad and his partner took her and her bf to lunch. Then they went home. My DH and I met up with her at 4pm we took her to do a big shop at supermarket to fill her cupboards and freezer then we went back to her house and played boardgames with her housemates then we ordered in takeaways.

rosyvalentine · 17/10/2025 00:03

Sorry OP, but I would let this go. I would be horrified if my ex's wife wanted to attend one of my kid's graduations. And we all get on well.

Likewise, my DP's daughter's graduation is coming up and I wouldn't dream of attending, despite the fact that we've been together for 11 years. It will be just her and her mum and dad. I really think that these type of events should be for the parents to celebrate with their child. I'd book a separate dinner for the 3 of you on a different date.

Popy44 · 17/10/2025 00:03

I’ve DSC myself who I think are wonderful and care for very much, and we’ve adjusted our lives, finances etc to care for them alongside their mother . I also have my own DC. You’re not DSS mother, She didn’t opt to become a parent with you, it was once just her and DH dreaming of their little baby’s future and a day such as this. You don’t need to deny her this

Tiredofbullsit · 17/10/2025 00:05

It’s not a real graduation. Relax.

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