Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

I'm not ar all convinced DSS even knows anything about it...

Telling your DH not to discuss it with his son? Very odd, unless he hasn't a clue.

In that case, it’s totally down to step-son. He should be the one who decides who gets a ticket and who comes.

It does sound as if his mother is incredibly hostile and immature, so I’m sorry that this isn’t a straightforward situation. Step-son may not want to upset his mother (although I think she’d be fucking ridiculous to be upset about your presence there).

I hope it all works out for you. If you don’t get to go to the ceremony please remember it’s not the end of the world and you can offer to take out step-son for a celebratory meal with you if he wants. I’m sure he appreciates all you’ve done for him since you’ve been in his life.

Or Mum knows that the OP will turn on the dramatics and the ds will feel he has to agree to her being there even though he'd rather not.

Yeah. She’s being a twat.

Let him have his parents there, don't make it about you.

Telling you not to discuss it with him tells me this is HER decision. I would suggest not getting into discussion, but DH needs to show him the text and just say is that what HE wants? Say it's okay if he does ( you're the adults here and just need to suck it up) but he may not even know she has said this. She sounds a toxic bitch.

Obviously the mum isn't being very nice to you. But if the graduation could go smoothly with just his parents there with no drama, would you step back. Involving him in this or making him choose between people will put a horrible pressure on him and this big day. You sound like a lovely step mum. I'd be the bigger person here and let things just happen. You not being there won't erase your good relationship but if drama ensues from this, it will ruin his moment. If he has a good relationship with his mother, let it be

Why is the relationship between your DH and DSS’s mum so strained? Very unusual after so long, excepting abuse or affair on either side.

Really your DH needs to speak with his son and ask him if he'd like you there or not.

Clearly his mother is dictating at the moment, due to her own wants, not her son's. So once DH has established with his DS how the land lays, then if you are going, you & DH can book 2 of the 4 allocated seats for you both. There's no reason why his mother should be booking all 4 seats, it should be 2 for her side, 2 for your DH's side.

Poor DS caught in the middle.

If you don't go, yes, it will be crushing, but remember, he's leaving school, it's not a real graduation ceremony. A graduation ceremony marks the end of an academic journey, of which if he's going to Uni, this isn't.

It’s DSS’s decision. Someone needs to ask him. His mum can’t dictate what his father talks to him about. If DSS says mum and dad only please, then fair enough.

It really should be about what your step son wants, I don't think it's reasonable to say that his Dad can't discuss with him what he wants to happen. But I can see why having just his parents might be what he wants, so long as he makes that decision not his Mum.

Oh bless you love. I'd be gutted too. I think this is a conversation between DH and DSS but try not to take it to heart if DSS says no, my brother recently had his graduation and our DM said she'd refuse to come if he said he wanted his SM there so he said no so remember he may be put in a very difficult position.

That being said if he says yes he wants you there then 100% go, your DH doesn't owe his ex anything and doesn't have to do as she tells him.

“Do not upset him further by discussing …”

Oh aye? I wouldn’t believe a word she says about this and yes I would be asking DH to check with DSS about his wishes for this! I reckon she’s trying it on.

My graduation ceremony had two tickets with the possibility of more. My mum and dad planned to come. On the day my step mum turned up with my dad and came in. This left my mum sitting alone while they sat together elsewhere.

My parents did not get on well but were polite and wouldn’t make a scene at something like that. I had worked really hard for my degree and it was important to me that they put their differences aside and celebrated my achievement together.

I had nothing against my step mum, we had a decent relationship and still do, but underneath I’ve never really forgiven her for shoehorning herself in and leaving my mum to sit alone.

Your DSS might be a grown up but sometimes you just want your parents to act like grown ups and put things aside for you. As a child with divorced parents you live through all the marital difficulties, divorce, new partners, blended families and bad feelings.

Let him celebrate a day free from all of that. Stand aside. He’ll love you all the more for being, as a PP so excellently put it, a drama free zone

I'd let it go for the sake of DSS. Let him have his moment with his parents and no drama from his mum and then take him out for a celebration dinner the next day. It's about him, not you, DH or his DM. He doesn't need people crying and fighting and sulking.
I'm sure you've been a fantastic stepmum and that he loves and appreciates you, but it is absolutely fine for him to want a meal with just his mum and dad on this occasion (if he really does).

Will his girlfriend be another guest? What about grandparents? The additional tickets may already be spoken for.

I know it’s difficult, OP, but unless your DSS is unaware of what his Mum said and disagrees, I think that you need to let this go. 💐

I find it very strange that you have been given orders that have not come from the lad himself.

I would have thought that if there are four family tickets available, the organisers will have had plenty of experience in seating people well apart, who don't get on.

The youngsters are likely to want to get away for a booze up immediately afterwards. Nothing wrong with rites of passage like first good suit, first legal pub drink with dad, smart restaurant lunch, if that appeals to them (not otherwise). They need not be on the same day as the graduation.

Exactly this. I think you are going to have to let this one go OP. Even if your DSS does say he wants you there what would the atmosphere be like for him with his mum angry about it?

They are his parents, please let him have this with his parents, free of drama. The child should always be at the centre of these things.

It's one ceremony. Just move past it.

Well don’t take her word for it. Of course DH needs to talk to his son.

I think you need to be the bigger person here and just let it go. Your response is that it's hurtful but you can choose to accept that the day is about him and his two parents or not. The result will be the same.

Be happy that you've contributed to him reaching this point. You really don't need public acknowledgement of that, you know and that's what counts. It takes a village and you are part of that village.

My best friend went through the exact situation, she was the son. She had a great relationship with her stepmum but just wanted her mum and dad at the ceremony. She tried to explain to her dad but he wouldn't back down and let her have it. It still hurts her.
Let it go, let him have this with his mum and dad. They've been divorced for years and maybe the son would like one experience with his parents.
I would be wary of your husband mentioning it as the ss may feel guilt and back down.
Maybe he could bring it up casually and say, so its just your mum and me attending? And then laugh?
At the end of the day, his mum does have more rights.

I would ask you dss if he wanted me to go or not . He is old enough to decide . I can’t understand why his mum behaves this way . Most mums would love a step mum who adores their child and takes time to spend with them .

I wouldn't normally pry but if your relationship with your DH played any part in the end of his first marriage that's really important information here.

DSS may well respect and value your role in his life while not wanting to force his mum to be in the same room as you for her sake.

I am not surprised your Husband is livid. If up to 4 tickets are available then ofcourse you should go but just clarify with Dss that he would like you there ( why wouldn't he you sound like you care about him)
Just imagine in a couple of years time when your Dss is wanting to get married and your DH's ex sends another message to him saying your wife shouldn't be in the photos or that she and him should only sit together with the Bride and Groom etc.