Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

First and foremost the boy/young man would have wanted both his parents to attend, and to not be caught up in any drama or forced to choose.

Nobody argued that the mother's actions were reasonable but they did question the OP's priorities - his feelings, or her need to be right and receive validation for all the money she spent.

You're stating your assumption as fact. Also, you're not questioning the mum's priorities or her need to be right so forgive me if I leave my post and opinion unchanged.

You don't need my forgiveness for having an opinion!

I'm not questioning the mum's priorities because she didn't post on here asking for opinions on whether she's being unreasonable. If she did I'm sure she'd get an absolute pasting from everyone.

Whatever the mother said/did doesn't (in my opinion) change the fact that OP could have played her own part differently and better.

The trouble with only considering one side is that you end up expecting one side to do all the reparations to accommodate the other. It's unrealistic and unsustainable, but unfortunately not uncommon, especially where step families are concerned.

Exactly that.

If only his mum could put her son first, rather than her own feelings, everyone could be happy. Literally that simple.

He'll tire of her bullshit one day, and she'll be the one that loses out.

So sorry Samui. His mother is truly awful and I feel sorry for your husband and you, but especially your step-son. What a self-centred woman she is.

The very nature of mumsnet means that we normally only get one view, which is the OPs. We either believe she is being truthful or we dont.

There is a backstory, which if you take the OP as being honest, aligns with the updates we've had here and explains why the parents are unable to find common ground:

Constant interruptions, demands that DH drop everything and accommodate her and DSS. Many a family event or holiday have been cut short by a drama created by her meaning that DH has to pick between us and them.
I’ve not attended (or DC) many a party or event involving DSS to accommodate her wishes.
Access patterns have changed time and time again at her whim, and have only settled now he is old enough to decide and communicate directly with him.
We tried to get custody multiple times, due to unsafe situations DSS was in due to her decisions and custody was always temporary and he went back to her eventually once the situation settled (or we paid for her to live elsewhere and provided her with escape funds).

If this were a thread about an unreasonable ex-dh describing the same scenario, I am confident there would be fewer comments about only having one side.

What I’m noticing is that the dss is afraid of upsetting his mum.
But isn’t afraid to upset his dad (or the OP).
I think there’s a lot that taken for granted there.
In particular the love if his dad, the care and support from the OP, the financial input from the OP.

Im wonderimg of anyone has ever highlighted that to the dss.
Im nit talking about ‘buying’ his love. But about the fact these are the people who have been there first him again and again.
Often, this is brushed under the car let with the idea that ‘children will realise as they grow older’ or ‘not wanting to involve children in adult matters’. But I feel that, by doing that, it’s also erasing the work some adults in his life have put on.
I think Thetes a need of a very clear discusdion here.
And the need to teach him what manipulation is - not in a ‘your mum is manipulative’ but in ‘this is what manipulation can look like’ as well as counselling for the dss.

As fir tge ‘but surely they should have been able to find a common ground in all those years. There must be more to it from the OP side’… my take is that some parents are shit. They can abuse and/or neglect their dcs for their own gain. My mum did. Expecting me to smooth over her feelings all the time whilst ignoring my own. If my parents had been separated, she’d have done the same as the mum here - the whole ‘oh that’s so hard’ trope to get what she wanted.
Its not automatically that the OP/her dh must be crap,too.

@Samui25 i know this is a thread about you (and you not being able to go to your dss graduation).

But I’d strongly encourage you to get some counselling for your dss.
I strongly suspect he has been parentified, taught to put his mum’s needs before his own (and his feelings). The fact he wanted you two there and then back off when mum started to reject the idea says that.
He needs to learn red flags in relationship, what manipulation looks like.
He needs to kearn his wants and needs are just as important as anyone else. Incl his dad and you (and his mum) btw.

The biggest victim here is your dss.
The person who’s going to get hurt is him. Both because at some point, he’ll lost his reiationship with his dad and you. Theres only so much hurt you can take.
And because he is at risk of repeating that in his own relationship and let himself get manipulated.

Id concentrate on giving him support.

What I’m noticing is that the dss is afraid of upsetting his mum.
But isn’t afraid to upset his dad (or the OP).
I think there’s a lot that taken for granted there.
In particular the love if his dad, the care and support from the OP, the financial input from the OP.

@MaurineWayBack My DSS is like this. Terrified of doing anything that will upset his mum and make her cry or make her angry, so he walks on eggshells around her. Not really bothered about upsetting his dad - not because he doesn't care but because his dad would never let on that he was upset if you know what I mean. We don't care really, he's more comfortable at ours and would chose to stay with us when he could (it's 50/50 at the moment).

Honestly he is old enough to figure out actual consequences stop supporting his mother give her something to actually bitch about right now she is taking the piss and your money you support ds that's fine but not her anything extra put into savings if you still feel generous when he is older gift him money towards a house deposit

I think your dh should say to his son that graduating is a big adult step and he very much wants you and him to get to go and see it. Being an adult includes making adult decisions, is he planning to continue cutting his dad and step mum out of anything where his mum kicks off? His 21st, Christmas, engagement, wedding? Because as an adult he should tell his dad to his face if he’s decided he’s going to throw him under the bus to keep his mum happy.

Just go. You’ve got the tickets.

We didn’t go, DH talked to him about it and he was very sorry but didn’t want to upset his mum. So we toasted him at home.

I’m sorry you weren’t able to go. She really has been been unfair to both you guys but also her son who deserved a stress free day celebrating him.

know that you guys did the right thing but doing what was right for him and didn’t cause a scene. I hope he appreciates this.

i would stop paying her directly though and start giving him money for whatever he needs now he is 18.

Thank you for the update, @OP.

My late husband's ex was very good at manipulating her adult children and - I'm ashamed to say - she successfully manipulated me a couple of times. At one point it was that they "couldn't upset Mum". Then it was "Mum's on her own..." [not for long, she wasn't].

All I can say is that being a martyr doesn't do you any good, in my experience.

If I had my time over again, I'd be less understanding.

Just a piece of advice, @OP.

Some years ago, my stepdaughter and her partner asked could they stay with us the next time they visited Scotland.

We got everything ready for them. They didn't show. DH was terrified that there had been an accident and phoned his ex to enquire whether she'd heard anything.

"They're here! I'll put DD on the phone."

DH: "I thought that you were staying with us this time?"

DD [tearfully] "Mum thought that we were staying with her and I couldn't hurt her feelings."

If I had my time again, I'd be asking the daughter why it was all right to hurt her dad's feelings.

OP - one of you should ask your SS why it's preferable to upset your husband.

I actually feel sad reading that. I honestly though his Dad should have been there at least.
Did the lad have a good day?

What a wet blanket that boy is

I'd be asking her why she couldn't pick up the phone to tell him she wasn't coming

That too. (More context - the ex lived only 10 minutes away from us at most. She wasn't on her own at that time. No, I wasn't the OW. Her partner at the time was the OM.)

I'd actually gone out and bought a new duvet, bed linen, etc. We were actually sitting waiting for them with a meal prepped. Come to think of it, there was never an apology.

Jesus.
So sorry OP.
She's an absolute cunt.
Disgusting that so many on here take her side.

My husband has a daughter with form for this behaviour. I've stopped inviting her. she's in her 50s now but still does it to other family members as well.

Your update broke my heart…. You are much bigger and better people than I am … I think your DS needs a few home truths about biting the hand that feeds you and looking after everyone not just the one with the dramatic meltdowns and tears… Hope you and DH are ok

That is so sad @Samui25 . As others have said it is time for a chat with your DSS. He needs to understand how hurtful his decision has been to his Dad and you. He is an adult so should accept some responsibility.
Time to reevaluate all support going forward. No more manipulative behaviour and you both strong and clear boundaries.