Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

I’m sorry op. You are going to have to tell him adults take responsibility for their actions at some point and his actions are hurting his dad and you, if he doesn’t see it on his own.

There's a lot of projection on this thread.

Dss's mother has behaved appallingly. Imagine overshadowing your own son's special day with manipulation and guilt. Op and her husband were doing exactly right trying to protect him from all this noise whilst his exams were in progress. I really can't blame op for feeling so upset when it's clear she's expended considerable emotional, practical and financial input into her step son's upbringing. The mother is massively in the wrong and I hope she doesn't succeed in driving a wedge between her son and two parents who clearly love and support him a lot.

My own dsd graduates from uni next week, at 26. Initially she thought she'd only get 2 tickets which would have been used by her mum and her long time boyfriend, which we completely understood. We were absolutely delighted that she was able to secure additional tickets in the end and immediately invited us both (as well as her stepdad). It will be a lovely, proud day filled with joy in her success - exactly as it should be. We have not always seen eye to eye with her mum, but I cannot imagine her ever putting my dsd in the kind of situation op describes. As a parent, you often have to take a deep breath, put your shoulders back and move on - for the sake of your child's happiness.

Op, will you dss go to uni? Might there be another opportunity for you to share in his success in the future? If so, I'd stay focused on that. He'll have been away from home by then, a chance to develop more independence and become more of an adult, form his own views, and stop worrying quite to much about hurting his mum's feelings.

It’s been especially sad today as I was leaving work, seeing all the proud parents all dressed up taking their kids to the ceremonies. DH has talked to DSS and he’s devastated too, but couldn’t deal with his mum’s anger, or the fall out from her not getting her own way.
All financial contributions to her directly stop in 5 weeks, then we’ll give him an allowance, save some
for him (house deposit) and pocket the rest for us.

What a selfish, mean woman. She really wasn't putting her son first. It's perfect timing that the finance to her stops in 5 weeks. Much better to give it to the DC directly.

He is an 18 year old who has to live with his DM some of the time. It sounds like she is using him as a pawn in her battle against her ex and OP and has been doing so for many years i.e. since the DS was a young child.
I mentioned upthread about my 18 year old on his last day of school- it was a joyous celebration of a happy time for him where his biggest concern was which after party to go to. Here the DS is being forced to pick between his DM and his DF and it sounds like it’s not the first time this has happened. Hardly a wet lettuce to go for the decision that has least immediate impact on him.

Oh well, it's over and done with now. I can why DSS took the path he did (having been between two warring parents before) and you've got a plan going forward, so put this in the past and move on.

I'm sorry. I'll not derail the thread further, but yes - that doesn't change.

I'm 100% convinced he was trying to get his pals to go out after it to avoid choosing sides.

You can't blame him for trying to be neutral.

It was always going to end this way as soon as his dad didn't agree to go with just his mum.

I'm 100% convinced he was trying to get his pals to go out after it to avoid choosing sides.

You can't blame him for trying to be neutral.

Hopefully he did still manage to go out with his friends.

If his mum is manipulative/volatile he probably does find it as easy to let her get her way.

Plenty of adults much older than him still have that relationship with their mum!

What a bitch she is.

I hope your DH does explain to DS sometime that he doesn't have to miss out on what he wants to save his Mum having a tantrum.

Do NOT allow that woman to make his uni graduation all about her as well.

I think @Whatafustercluck has summed it up really well

I am so sorry OP that it turned out this way

and when they are men, their wives /girlfriends are miserable until they dump them and go find someone better. The sooner the ops dh explains to his son that the ex kicking up a stink is not a good enough reason to make everyone else who loves him unhappy, and while he will love him forever he is human and can be hurt, and girlfriends aren’t going to put up with that, and he will struggle to form lasting romantic relationships if he can’t side with someone other than his mum, the better for the ds.

Is the mum aware direct contributions are stopping?

Graduation ceremonies aren’t that big a deal. You and DH can take him out to celebrate separately. Don’t make more of this than you need to. If I was his biological mum the fuss you are making (whether expressed to her or not) would piss me off. For all you know your DSS may also feel that he is having to placate you as well as his mother. All my sympathy is with him and him alone.

It’s done now, just leave it alone and don’t bring it up with DSS. Time to move on.

If I was his biological mum the fuss you are making (whether expressed to her or not) would piss me off.

But the fuss she made ensuring DSS private school fees were paid was acceptable? So basically pay up - but have no feelings..

She apologised, saying she was in the wrong and we didn’t deserve to be treated that way. DH ignored her and looking forward to his birthday and family time at Christmas. DSS is an adult now, maintenance is ending to her and contact should be absolutely minimal if at all.

Oh wow! Do you think your DSS told her how awful she’s been and how much this has upset him? If so, good for him. Fingers crossed she will take heed and put him first rather than her own selfish need to control every situation involving him. Keep your head high OP. And here’s to happier times for you, DH and DSS!

That's amazing. How did the apology come about? I wonder if she's had a change of heart or if she realises the money will stop soon.

Maybe people were asking where dad was, and when she said what she'd done, she got some push back.

Wow an apology just before the maintenance stops going to her. How very reflective of her and I’m sure this new enlightened self awareness is absolutely nothing to do with that.

Screw her apology it's after the fact and has meant that you both but your husband particularly has messed out on a once-in-a-lifetime event to celebrate his child.
Too little too late I'm afraid

More likely to be the latter, IMO. Yes, I'm a cynic.

ETA I know that I'm projecting here. My late husband's ex was quite conciliatory latterly - but still persisted in trying to exert control. Some people are just used to getting their own way.

Haven't RTFT, just want to be last on it.