Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

She may be lying, but equally it would natural for DSS to want both his parents there, and if his mum responded saying something like "I want to be there, but I can't if Samui is going" then it's feasible that DSS said - ok the, just you two.

OP it's not about how much or how little you've done or how much you love each other. I am sure he adores and love you. But this is a moment where he wants both his parents and perhaps, for his mum, it's difficult for her to share that spotlight with you. I am not saying that's fair, but I don't know the circs of their marriage breakdown and not everyone can be gracious in the face of sharing space (and a special occasion) with their ex husband's wife. Let her have this.

I think DSS's mum is being sneaky here. Your DH should ask his DS to get 2 tickets (pay if it costs) for him and you and not mention the message from his mum.

As someone from a dramatic background, I strongly feel what you read in that text/email are not your DSS's wishes😂😹😂. It's most likely his mum making plans and bullying him to play along. So please, don't hold it against him.
And even if you think it is his thoughts, give him a benefit of doubt and if it turns out to be true, it doesn't diminish you or your influence in his life.

Plan another day out with him after the whole paparazzi, just you and him maybe

As there are two tickets, both his parents should be there. Can you not travel up, mooch about the city while they attend the graduation, then all get together, his mum included, for a meal or something (or whatever DSS wants?) we did something similar with my DSS and it was a lovely day

I'm guessing that OP is on a country where graduating high school is a much bigger thing than it is here. It sounds way over the top to me, but I'm trying to imagine the impact for OP.

I don't know what the mum is up to, and I'm not sure to what level DSS is involved, but I'm afraid your probably just going to have to put a brave face on it.

If the relationship between the parents is a fraught as it seems, I can imagine that DSS is worried about having you there, and how his mum might behave.

I hope that you/you and your husband can find your own way to demonstrate your pride and treat DSS to your own kind of celebration. But it does seem as though you being at the ceremony risks drama, and he wants to avoid it.

You mention that you and your DH have/had lots of plans for the celebrations. How much involvement did DSS have in those plans? Did he even know that those exist @Samui25 ?

That sounds like it’s got the potential to cause an awful row making things very awkward for him. I’ve no doubt the DSS will be happy just having his parents there rather than the awkwardness of his DM having someone she doesn’t want there

We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where.

Maybe mum has her own plans for his future? Your OP does come across a bit as if your DH and you see yourselves as the principal parents.

Sounds the most sensible approach and in the best interests of all parties, no way would I agree to attend my DSC graduation if their mother didn’t want me there. This is a day about them and their parents, why on earth spoil it

Yes and I wouldn’t be surprised if the poor DSS just says actually I don’t want to do the graduation if it looks like it’s going that way

Op i think you should let it go. Maybe thr boy is hoping the atmosphere between his parents will be less frosty without a 3rd person.

Is there grandparents or other relatives he'd want there?

I think Dad should casually check, kid you happy with just mum and I being there?

Ask him about it. He’s not a small
child. He’ll cope.

Like I said, no need to tell him about the message from his mum.

OPs husband should just tell his ex to make her own arrangements to go to the graduation and he'll do the same.

She's clearly trying to control the situation by getting the tickets.

Sorry op, you really need to let this go. It’ll be tense enough for him having both his parents there, don’t be the reason it’s even more uncomfortable. And it will be if you’re there because his mum will feel outnumbeted.
honestly, I feel tickets nr 3+4 should go to grandparents.

Not DSS Mum’s place to say what you can or can’t go to @Samui25 - discussion for DSS and his Dad, possibly you.

I think his mum has to be there because she is his mum. But if you were a vital part of his upbringing & contributed to his studies/helping him then you have just as much right to be there too. I think graduations are proud moments but slightly overrated anyway. You see a glimpse of him on stage shaking a professors hand and that will be it. The only other thing I think of is the pictures. But you could do that separately if he can keep his gowns & still have some memories of the occasion.

I think DSS most likely just wants a happy mum and dad at his graduation. I just personally wouldn’t go and upset the boat if it were my DSC. I actually get along very well with my DSC mother but I have DC myself and think about how I would like to be treated so if she felt uncomfortable with anything I would try and respect that. My DSC adore their mother and anything that would upset her would upset them. It works both ways, if OP and DH has a baby together could she say hand on heart it wouldn’t bother her if DH went on to marry another woman in the future and she came along to their baby’s graduation??

The ex sounds toxic. But ... I'd stay well away and let DH deal with her. You can celebrate with DSS separately. It's likely not coming from DSS but from toxic ex.

Why have you burst into tears? It is surely about what he wants? There might be room for negotiation but no need for you to
take yourself to bed. You’re the grown up.

But doing so would more than likely result in an unpleasantness that would be - well, unpleasant for the person for whom the celebration is about?

There are times to take a stand, but I don't think this is the right time. Sometimes you just have to step aside - this is one of those times.

Reverse it - my ex husband wants to bring his wife of 10 years to our sons graduation. I don't get on with his wife, I never have. Aibu to say this is a day for our son and his parents only?

There is every chance he does want this one day with just his parents there. Let his DF talk to him and deciother his real wishes without judgement and then respect them. If he wishes it to be just his mum and dad, leave it be. Don’t make it about yourself and what you’ve done. It’s one event.

Step mum here. I actually think you need to step down here. You don't want there to be an atmosphere at his graduation. So for the sake of your DSS I would take a step back. His mum doesn't want you there and this is about her son and she wants to celebrate with him, without you.
He needs to focus on his A levels not waring parents.

I'm another who has been in the DSS's place when I graduated - my stepmum insisted on coming along, but I would've loved, just for that one day, for it to be just my parents. It didn't mean I didn't like my stepmum - it was just I wanted it to be my parents.
I would never have had the guts to tell my Dad that at the time though, had he asked. So be v careful with the advice that your DH should ask him - he may fear hurting your feelings.
Kindly, I think you should sit this one out.

These things happen with separated families and as long as OP isn't the reason the parents split up, DSS's mum needs to accept the situation maturely.

Nobody can take her place as his mum. As long as OP isn't trying to overstep in any way at the graduation, maturity is required by all the adults.

It's just quite sneaky the way she's gone about it.

You need to step back. Respectfully stop making it about you and your feelings.

"You owe me this" Did she do the lion's share of raising him? I think she's advocating for her son knowing full well what he wants but feels too awkward to say.

I agree - if the son has expressed to his mum his wishes and doesn’t want to justify or explain it to his dad that’s fair enough. He will know his dad will get angry and make it all about halos wife being rejected. This day is about DSS and not anyone else’s ego.