Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

No one here thinks the son’s opinion matter. Absolutely ask him what he wants. It’s his graduation, the mother doesn’t get to dictate. If his wish is for his birth parents to be there- fine. I graduated twice and numbers were never an issue so all those who rush to justify the message: you’re not necessarily right.

She’s clearly accepted that she’s had to tolerate a new person in her DS life but it probably just feels like a step too much to have the next wife come along to the graduation. I think you can only expect that if you genuinely get on with DSC mother? My DSC mother has kindly invited me to several of my DSC milestones which I think was very kind of her but if there were any event she wasn’t happy with then I wouldn’t stick my oar in even if DH insisted he wanted me there. A DSC is not a substitute child for yourself

But this isn't the DMs event to have that kind of control of.

Just like if there was a stepdad in the picture, it's not dad's place to say Stepdad cannot come.

If the young adult graduating expressed that they only wanted their parents present, then that's a different thing, but it's this sneaky behaviour, that isn't a good look.

This only happens because quite often, the dad isn't so familiar with the ticket process.

Mums do this when it's kiddy birthday parties and they don't want stepmum there... that's fine, because the child is pretty young, but this is a graduation and mum probably knows that DS and OP get along just fine. She needs to manage her insecurities or whatever emotions she's dealing with, without dictating things.

I see the impact on kids/ the stepparent relationship of mums doing this sort of thing in my line of work a lot and it's not good. When you're not with the father of your kids anymore, you just can't dictate these things.

I'm also not sure why this would be a case of tolerating the SM.

Yes it would unreasonable - it is a day for your son, and in this case the three important people in his life.

You don't have to "get on" with his wife or even say much to her. It should be possible to remain quietly civil for such an occasion.

DH needs to ask his son who he wants there, in a neutral way which allows DSS to be truthful. He may be scared his mum will kick off if she sees you at the ceremony, and this could ruin his day. So perhaps he would prefer just his parents at the actual ceremony.
Perhaps he would even like to see just his parent for dinner afterwards, but somehow I find that hard to believe!! Sounds like his mum is expressing her own wishes as his. If the two parents don't get on that well, it might be excruciating to spend dinner as a threesome.
I really get why this is so upsetting for you, OP, but this is just one day. You've been there for DSS for many years and will be there in the future. You love each other. It might be best to be willing to step back for this one day not because you don't matter in his life but because relations between the boy's parents are clouding the straightforward pleasure of this big day.

My friend's daughter had her graduation this summer, with cap and gown. From nursery. She's just 4.

Yes it’s about the DSC and if he expressly said he wanted DSM there then fair enough but to be honest and as a step mother myself with amazing and caring DSC I don’t think they would be that bothered if I was there or not, they would be bothered if their DM felt uncomfortable. Yes DSC would probably love to go and celebrate with DSM afterwards at some point but I think her role is being elevated far above what it actually is to most DSC. Obviously completely different if DSC step mother wasn’t on the scene then she probably would become a substitute mother figure to them and that would be completely different. If the DM then suddenly turned up out the blue and said she didnt want the DSM there that would be unfair . I’m 99% all the DSS really wants are his parents there and no hassle/animosity

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset, but that message sounds like it’s straight from the mother, with the ‘you owe us’ type stuff.

I would be upset, but to the son, I’d try not to be. It sounds like the ex will kick up a fuss and totally spoil the day if you do go.

Ugh! It’s a tough one, but you don’t want to upset him before exams. I feel for you! But plan a nice meal or something else for you to celebrate his achievements.

Poor kid has been put in the middle and/or manipulated by mum on this one.

I would think it is just for parents. Never seen any stepparents there unless one of parents is absent. Yabu

i think an appropriate response is to immediately call the school and ask about the ticketed and hopefully take them, and reply that ‘thank you for your note. However, you don’t seem to realise our son is 18/nearly 18. When he was 8 we arranged his birthday parties for him but at 18 it is absolutely something he should be consulted on. I expect we will have you, me, Samui and _. Using the tickets but you can decide who gets the 4th one, and we will all be at dinner or we will do it separately, so ds can have everyone important in his life celebrate.

There are 4 tickets.

YANBU at all end of!

4 tickets available, not taking his mum’s place at all.

It would be completely inappropriate and awkward for your husband to go and celebrate this with his ex whilst not including you.

You are married and part of the family unit.

It is not unreasonable or selfish in any way whatsoever. Don’t feel bad.

You are attending an event with your husband.

How rude and manipulative of his ex.

DSS is 18 and has had you in his life for years, why on earth would you not be there?

Stand your ground or it could be like this for all sorts of events in the future , weddings , first grandchild, graduation etc.

Good luck OP x

1. Your experience is not everyone’s experience
2. your parents divorced and remarried (or at least one did). It is inappropriate to pretend otherwise and play happy family with just “my parents” for a day no matter how much you wish it

This was my first thought too! If she hadn’t said “don’t discuss it with DSS” I would have thought “ok fair enough” but it sounds more like she’s made a unilateral decision and is trying to ensure you don’t unravel her lies by asking DSS directly what he wants. He could be utterly clueless about all of this and does in fact want you there

No the lad might actually prefer no frosty atmosphere.
He might for once have both his parents together at the same time focused on him.
Maybe he just wants Mum & Dad.
Maybe he wants a special photo with both parents, not him and mum, not him and Dad / SM.
Go for lunch without Mum feeling like a spare part.

Maybe he doesn't know how to ask for that without causing upset.

Dad needs to casually ask him. No pressure. Mum says you just want the two of us, is that right?
Not going calling the school

It was quite clear the OP was not in the uk (she said as much) and therefore uk uni graduation rules probably wouldn t apply.

OP I totally read the ex’s message as manipulative and highly unlikely to going with DSS wishes.
the fact she says DH owes him this and not to discuss it with DSS screams that she wonts you to just fall away and it appear you just didn’t want to go.

DH should reply back and say he’ll get his 2 tickets for you and him and he doesn’t owe her anything of the sort. Also that he won’t have DSS put in the middle of this nonsense so if she doesn’t want to do a group meal that’s fine, he’ll arrange something separately but you will be there together.

So if she doesn't want a group meal that's putting DSS back into that shitty no win position, do I go with mum or dad after it?

They need to gently no pressure find out what is driving it.

There are far too many people here defending this woman’s behaviour.

And like it or not, there are plenty of children who actually do have decent relationships with their step parents.

When you split from someone else the reality is that there is likely to be step parents entering into that child’s life.

You only have to look at the mother’s wording in that text message to see that this has nothing to do with DSS and everything to do with the kind of person she is.

“You owe us”? And “do not discuss this with DS”?

He absolutely needs to discuss this with DS. What happens if DS asks why OP isn’t going? Why it’s just his parents? What is he expected to say then?

This isn’t a child, he’s 18, and gone are the days when either parent can put their foot down over who can or cannot be there. Where does it end? DSS’ wedding? Seeing the grandchildren? Your DH needs to have a conversation with DSS and ask him. Not whether he wants OP there, but whether he would prefer it to be just his parents. That way he’s giving DSS the opportunity to say yes without it sounding as if he’s rejecting the OP.

But the mother has no rights here, and it’s high time that parents, unfortunately often mothers, dictated who can and cannot have relationships with their children. And the older those children get, the less control they should be afforded.

She isn’t owed anything.

This is a very tricky situation, with many possible hurt feelings and potential for drama that your DSS does not need or want. His blended family situation was none of his choosing and he has undoubtedly already suffered from the weird dynamics these families often bring towards step-children. The absolute priority here is to make this about DSS and DSS only. Anyone else's feelings are secondary. And sorry OP, but step-parents' feelings are tertiary at least, always after parents'.

It's not about what is fair for you. You are an adult and had many chances to make decisions about your life and who you share it with. Your DSS has not had those choices, and this is likely his first opportunity to assert himself, and he should absolutely choose what he wants and makes him happy.

What I would personally do is let your DH deal with his DS in this matter. Perhaps pass him a message with something as brief and neutral and possible, saying something like:

"DSS, I am so proud of you and love you so much. I would be honoured to see you graduate. However, I am aware your graduation ceremony can end up becoming uncomfortable if blended family dynamics get in the way. The most important thing here is that you enjoy your day and have the chance to feel proud of yourself without stress. You and your parents please decide how this will happen and I will be happy to follow instructions."

Let us know how it all goes!

Some posters are suggesting you speak to your stepson, but I’d let it go. If he wanted you there, you’d know about it. So there’s no point in chasing it up.
And I don’t think it’s personal to you, OP. You sound like a lovely stepmum. It’s just that these things can get a bit awkward and he just wants to avoid that on his special day.
Do I think it could have been handled more sensitively, however? Absolutely.

If he can only invite two people, or he actually wants just huis parents there, fair enough. But I would be suspicious that this is totally her decision, which he knows nothing about, hence her saying it shouldn’t be discussed with him.

Your DH needs to talk to him directly about it, calmly with no blame, to check what he really wants. if it turns out that he does just want his parents, you need to accept the situation with grace. You can still celebrate with him separately.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it sounded like you did. Some posters assume the worst like it’s their hobby.

Totally agree. If there are 4 tickets available @Samui25 and the mum is saying “don’t discuss with him” that’s flagging up to me that mum has a chip on her shoulder about SM and doesn’t want her there but is trying to pass it off as her sons wishes.

DH should talk to son “it’s okay if you just want me and your mum there but if you want SM there too that’s also perfectly fine - what do YOU want”

and make sure mum isn’t trying to emotionally manipulate him (“if she goes I’m not going” type thing

I would 100% ask DSS what he wants. Sounds to me like mum just is saying it's what 'they want' when it's what 'she wants'. Ask DSS if he would prefer it just being mum and dad or if he wants you to go to dinner too. Maybe mum ia just trying to make DSS hate you by thinking you don't care

You need to establish now that this isn’t her call or you will be excluded from all major events going forward. Your DH needs to have this conversation with DSS. His mother is out of order and manipulating everyone