Been banned from DSS’s graduation - AIBU?

[Samui25]

DSS leaves school in a few months and with that comes a graduation ceremony and a formal (like a prom). We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events, DH taking him to buy his first suit, for formal, paying for him to go to schoolies, taking him and his GF away for his 18th as a treat. DSS seems happy, a bit stressed with study, but totally expected at this time of year (think the last few weeks of A Levels, we live overseas) DSS and I have a good relationship, love each other, have a happy relaxed relationship no issues as far as I’m aware.
Tickets for graduation are about to be released, DH and I have talked about rough plans - we’ll go together, see what DSS is doing with his mum, then work around it, wait and see if she is taking him out for dinner after or if he is heading out to celebrate with mates. DH is practically NC with DSS’s mum, apart from the odd text or email exchange. It’s not been a good relationship. DH and I married 10 years, I’ve been involved in DSS and feel I’ve contributed positively to his upbringing.
DH just received this message. “I will get us tickets for DS’s graduation and pre formal. You owe me this to celebrate this milestones as parents together, Samui has no part in this. DS is stressed enough with exams and does not need her there. Do not upset him further by discussing this with him as this is our wishes not yours. I will contact you closer to the time to arrange meeting and dinner plans for the 3 of us.
DH is livid and I just burst into tears and took myself to bed. We are busy planning for DSS’s future, how to help him through uni, get a house deposit and grow into and adult - this has just come from no where. AIBU?

It's not about what is fair for you. You are an adult and had many chances to make decisions about your life and who you share it with. Your DSS has not had those choices, and this is likely his first opportunity to assert himself, and he should absolutely choose what he wants and makes him happy. except DSS hasn’t been given the opportunity to assert himself has he? His mother has spoken on his behalf, made it a done deal, and ensured that, in fact, DSS isn’t given the opportunity to assert himself by telling his father that this is not to be discussed with him.

For those defending this woman’s actions, for suggesting that this is absolutely what DSS wants, If a poster here posted that her ex husband had sent her a message saying that only they were going to an event, that she was not to discuss it with her child, and that she owed him, would people still be defending him? Saying that he was just doing the best by his son and of course she shouldn’t communicate with her child who this is ultimately about? I don’t think so.

I can’t imagine DSS had even assumed there would be a group meal. He won’t be blind to the fact his parents basically don’t speak or socialise.

OP said they’d planned to fit around his plans with his mum, simply saying to the ex that they’ll do something else is putting the ball in her court to decide.

there is a huge assumption on this post that the ex is speaking a truth that DSS can’t bring himself too. Where as her whole approach seems completely self serving and manipulative

You seem upset by this and to be honest I don't think you are being unreasonable. I also think that it sounds like maybe this matters to the mum more than the boy however I also think in this instance you should be the bigger person and let them go out as a trio and wish them a wonderful time. I'd be passive aggressive and buy them a round of drinks too.
It sounds like she is looking for control and as a mum myself who sometimes just wants what I envisioned I can sympathise. It'll be better for you in the long run if you simply say that it's okay that this is how they would like it. Life is a marathon not a sprint ☺️.

DH should definitely check with DSS that he doesn't want you at his graduation. If he confirms then its crap for you, but his decision.

I think he probably doesn't know. Strange for his DM to say don't discuss it with him. She doesn't get to call the shots.

And yes, I know its a stressful time for DSS at the moment, but a question with a neutral response to the answer is fine to ask.

Does the lad want to go out for dinner with both his parents? If that never happens then why would he want that now? Your DH has to put his foot down about discussing it with DSS. It's got to be what he wants to do. If he wants you at the graduation then you should go.

@Samui25 they are the parents, let them just go together. Im a single parent, and although my ex has remarried/i have no interest in him, im pretty sure my kids would prefer an event without his wife. Not because they dislike her, but more because its an event where you just may want your mum and dad. I think your DH should subtly ask his son what he wants.

If his ex has form for being difficult, think how it would be at the event, and it will spoil it all for DSS.

There’s 4 tickets available so it not that that’s the problem

DH needs to message her back saying he acknowledges that he’s been stressed
Thats why it even more important that you all show a supportive united front and be there for DSS
and just to clarify Samui25 has been in his life for 10 years loving and supporting him but you only have one mum and she never has and never will replace you as a mother if that’s what you are worried about

I don’t see why you shouldn’t be there. Step mothers get an awful time on this site. You have been in his life for 10 years, you are not a nobody. What happens when he gets married? Are you supposed to stay at home.

It sounds like it’s the mother who has issues. Suggesting dinner is nonsense. It’s not going to benefit anyone to have two parents who don’t get on have dinner on an important day and could ruin it.

Get your husband to speak to his son. Suggest he goes to dinner with his mother and that you’ll see him at the graduation and can celebrate after/ another day. That’s the sacrifice you make.

Agreed. The fact that OP has taken to her bed in tears rather suggests this might be the case. Poor DSS may have asked his mum to deliver the message to minimise the dramatics and guilt tripping by OP and OP’s “furious” DH. Surely for these events it is about what the children want, not the step parents’ feelings?

Perhaps before you made your plans for what you and DH were going to do at DSS's graduation, you should have asked DSS what his plans were.

How do we know he didn't ask his mother to make this communication for him, so that his father's and stepmother's ire would fall on Mum (who is obviously used to it and can take it) rather than on him? If I were his Mum I would have volunteered to write that email for him.

It’s only a school leaving ceremony, so not actually significant. Just let it go. DH should go but not attend any dinner with the ex.

I was in this exact position almost 20 years ago when I was graduating. My mum had asked my dad not to bring his partner and it was just me, my mum and dad. We went for a meal afterwards. It was lovely, the perfect day! I think for them it was a celebration of their daughter and not having my dads partner there was the right call because I think she would have caused tension/drama and i didn't particularly like her or want her there.
I think OP that if you've gone to bed in tears that is an over reaction. By all means plan your own celebration but it is not your child and you should just let them have their day. I already detect from the tone of your messages that you don't particularly get on with the ex. And maybe she isn't comfortable with you going too. You just need to back off, leave them be.

She sounds rude. I hope your dh just asks his ds.

Is This to do with the break up? Were you ‘the other woman?’ If so I can understand the mums position.

The part where she tells your husband not to talk to stepson about it is odd. If there are only two tickets then of course it should be his parents if thats what he wants.

Sounds like mum is trying to control this. Especially the don’t talk to DSS! Sorry op this sound shit

We’ve been planning with DSS things to celebrate this milestone outside of his school events

Who is the 'we' who have been planning? I bet a lot of it was you OP and I do not say that as a criticism, I see it as sometimes people get overinvested in another's special days.

Let DH and his ex have this one memory together.

Do the students wear gowns OP? If so then it might be possible to keep it so you can have photos with DH and DSS.

There are 4 tickets per family so that’s not what’s going on. It’s ridiculous to try and ban the stepmum and say don’t talk to the 18 or nearly 18yo ds about it- the most probable reason for that is that he does like his step mum and crazy mum doesn’t want him to get to have an opinion she disagrees with. The complete opposite of making this about supporting and celebrating the ds.

DH can message back "I am not having dinner with you, you are no part of my life. DS is practically an adult and can make his own choices and doesn't need you to speak for him, but no one gets to choose that you and I have to pretend to still like eachother. You will obviously celebrate with DS in whatever way works for you, and Samui and I will also celebrate with him in too. This is not about you."

If there were only 2 tickets allowed for thr event then obviously you couldn't go to that bit but with 4 tx you can be there but neither you nor DH need to attend "together" with the ex or talk to her while there. You'll hardly be the only family there where there are stepmums and stepdads coming too.

I haven’t read the whole thread but this toxic woman has covered herself well by prohibiting further discussion between your DH and DSS. Usually graduation tickets are limited to two, but I’m sure your DSS wants to celebrate this milestone at other events with you OP.

At the end of the day this isn’t about you and what YOU want it’s your DSS day and he will want the least hassle and upset possible so if that means you don’t go to the ceremony and his dad and mum put their differences aside for the day and take him out for dinner after then that is what needs to happen. You having dramatics at the thought of missing out at all you have planned - without any input or even basic conversation with DSS mum who is actually the other parent in this! You are just his dads wife at the end of the day - then be an adult and smile and say whatever you want

Poor boy. His mum’s put him in a dreadful position. I doubt he wants to upset anyone! Yes he’s technically an adult but don’t put him in the position of having to choose. Just accept it will be easier all round if you don’t go and celebrate with him later. Don’t put up with it for a wedding though. That’s the time to put your foot down if mum is difficult again. Now is the time to keep the peace. Your DSS will appreciate it!

My thoughts, too. DH absolutely has the right to ask DSS about his wishes; she can't demand DH not to speak to him about it. I suspect she's made the decision to exclude you, and DSS is unaware, and she's worried that her scheming will be revealed if DH talks to his son.
Does DH actually want to sit through a meal, afterwards, with just the three of them? Sounds like this may be quite a strained atmosphere, in itself, as he has barely any contact with her. Surely better to arrange separate meals on different days, or you and DH arrange a different activity without her, after the meal DSS has with her?

I bet he’s getting it in the neck both sides!!

He wants the circus to stop.