Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica

Butterfly789 · 2025-10-16T17:40:43+00:00

Hi, would be grateful to hear from anyone who has had any similar experiences: My ex and I have a 3 year old. He walked out when she was 10 days old and since then I have been the primary caregiver. She sleeps over at his house every other weekend, and on the weeks she doesn’t sleep over, she just goes for the day on Saturday (hope this makes sense). I have just had a call from his mom saying that they want to take her to Jamaica next August (she will be 4) to attend a family wedding. I personally think she will be too young to go so far away, especially when she’s never even been abroad with him or spent more than 1 night with him. I have told him I would be more open to somewhere closer, like Spain for example. AIBU?

Owl55 · 16/10/2025 18:49

Will they bring her back?

pizzaHeart · 16/10/2025 18:50

It does sound like too much at this stage. I would say no. Family wedding is very tiring event for any 4 y.o but in these circumstances in particular. And it’s not necessary for her to take part in it, the wedding will happily go ahead without your DD so I won’t buy any arguments that her presence is important.

Also there is always chance of him not coming back. A small chance but I wouldn’t take chances when it’s about my child.

MajorMerrick · 16/10/2025 18:50

I don’t see an issue tbh, she’ll be with her father. Unless there’s something you’re not saying, will they bring her home?

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 18:50

Why would Spain be any better than Jamaica? Isn't the actual reason you're uncomfortable with this because he hasn't been consistently present in your DDs life and therefore you don't trust him to look after her for extended periods of time?

Is the wedding and accommodation at the same place? I.e is it one of those all-inclusive places with a wedding package, or is it happening somewhere else because they have close local ties?

I'd say by age 4 they can be a bit more independent but they need a trusted adult nearby. Perhaps work up to more days with her dad or alternatively go with her and chill somewhere else on the day of the wedding.

WhywasIborntoolate · 16/10/2025 18:51

It might be memorable for your child but maybe for another day as I also think that she is too young and not used to travelling

EscapadeVelocity · 16/10/2025 18:52

Well you have nearly a year for her to become accustomed to spending a bit longer away from you.

(Generally on this sort of thread I’d knee jerk Not in a million years! - but if she has a Jamaican grandmother / other relatives she’ll be well taken care of.)

Really it’s a question of how happy you’d be for your ex to be responsible for her for a week or however long.

An alternative might be for you to go as well, independently - but that seems an unnecessary expense if you’re not involved with that side of her family.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 18:50

Why would Spain be any better than Jamaica? Isn't the actual reason you're uncomfortable with this because he hasn't been consistently present in your DDs life and therefore you don't trust him to look after her for extended periods of time?

Is the wedding and accommodation at the same place? I.e is it one of those all-inclusive places with a wedding package, or is it happening somewhere else because they have close local ties?

I'd say by age 4 they can be a bit more independent but they need a trusted adult nearby. Perhaps work up to more days with her dad or alternatively go with her and chill somewhere else on the day of the wedding.

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

OP posts:

NotoriousABC · 16/10/2025 18:53

What’s the difference between Spain and Jamaica? It’s not like you could drop by and pick her up from either place.

He’s her other parent and presumably it’s a wedding for her wider paternal family, I’d be more pissed off if she wasn’t invited.

coxesorangepippin · 16/10/2025 18:54

Er, no??

SplendidUtterly · 16/10/2025 18:54

Owl55 · 16/10/2025 18:49

Will they bring her back?

That's what i was thinking too.

SandyY2K · 16/10/2025 18:55

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

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They can't change the venue of the wedding to Spain.

How is your coparent relationship? Do have a reason to think he wouldn't bring her back?

StitchHappens · 16/10/2025 18:56

How long would they be going for? If you're not concerned that he won't being her back then for me it would depend on him being willing to show up consistently and for increasing amounts of time over the next 9 months. Is he willing and able to up his hours with her every week?

backatchababy · 16/10/2025 18:57

Given your latest update, absolutely not and I would be doing everything in my power to prevent that.

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:58

SandyY2K · 16/10/2025 18:55

They can't change the venue of the wedding to Spain.

How is your coparent relationship? Do have a reason to think he wouldn't bring her back?

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Obviously I know they can’t change the location of the wedding. I was just saying I would be more open to him taking her abroad for a shorter amount of time in a closer country.

OP posts:

FourIsNewSix · 16/10/2025 18:59

If it is in August, there is a year to build up the number of nights, he can take her for 4 days in springtime in the UK and see.

As about the risk that he might not come back/overstay... I'm afraid you can't do much about it.
The child has two parents and it doesn't make sesne to preventively forbid them visiting
the other parent's country

Original poster

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:59

StitchHappens · 16/10/2025 18:56

How long would they be going for? If you're not concerned that he won't being her back then for me it would depend on him being willing to show up consistently and for increasing amounts of time over the next 9 months. Is he willing and able to up his hours with her every week?

He can’t really up his contact with her as he lives quite a while away and isn’t able to have her in the week as she attends a nursery at a school and he wouldn’t be able to get her there.

OP posts:

Starlight7080 · 16/10/2025 19:00

I wouldn't trust he will bring her back at all.
Have you got her a passport ? If not you should apply for one and keep it .
I think she would miss you a lot anyway. Especially given he does not see her much .

researchers3 · 16/10/2025 19:00

If you even have the tiniest doubt he may not return her then of course it's an absolute no!

ReplacementBusService · 16/10/2025 19:04

FourIsNewSix · 16/10/2025 18:59

If it is in August, there is a year to build up the number of nights, he can take her for 4 days in springtime in the UK and see.

As about the risk that he might not come back/overstay... I'm afraid you can't do much about it.
The child has two parents and it doesn't make sesne to preventively forbid them visiting
the other parent's country

Really?? If bringing the child back was actually a risk, you can do nothing about it? Like prevent them from leaving the country?

If it's not a risk,you have time to build up to it. Why is his mum asking this and not him though?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/10/2025 19:05

Owl55 · 16/10/2025 18:49

Will they bring her back?

My first thought too.

StitchHappens · 16/10/2025 19:05

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:59

He can’t really up his contact with her as he lives quite a while away and isn’t able to have her in the week as she attends a nursery at a school and he wouldn’t be able to get her there.

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She could have a few days off nursery to enable a couple of long weekends with him and see how they go. I would be putting the ball in his court with that though. If he wants to take her away for an extended period of time (beyond what she is used to) then I would ask him to come up with a plan for how he can ease her into it. If he doesn't (and experience says he wont be able to because putting in the effort won't be a prority for him) he can't take her. He has to be willing to do the work.

BeeDavis · 16/10/2025 19:05

Given he only has her every other weekend I would highly doubt he’d want to keep her there!

NorthernLass2025 · 16/10/2025 19:05

I dont see an issue, it's her dad, she sees him let her have the experience. Our 4 year old is off abroad for the first time next month with his grandparents. We see it as an experience and adventure for him

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 19:07

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

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If that is a real risk you need to take proactive steps to prevent it, the wedding is a moot point. Have you done that already?

BlueMum16 · 16/10/2025 19:08

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

Show quote history

That's makes a massive difference rather than you not wanting her to spend time away with her dad.

His home country and a risk she wouldn't come back and I wouldn't be allowing her to go. Like PP said get a passport, so he can't, and keep hold of it.

Is he on the birth certificate?