Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica

[Butterfly789]

Hi, would be grateful to hear from anyone who has had any similar experiences:

My ex and I have a 3 year old. He walked out when she was 10 days old and since then I have been the primary caregiver. She sleeps over at his house every other weekend, and on the weeks she doesn’t sleep over, she just goes for the day on Saturday (hope this makes sense).

I have just had a call from his mom saying that they want to take her to Jamaica next August (she will be 4) to attend a family wedding.

I personally think she will be too young to go so far away, especially when she’s never even been abroad with him or spent more than 1 night with him. I have told him I would be more open to somewhere closer, like Spain for example.

AIBU?

And there’s nothing to stop him getting on Onward flight to Jamaica from Spain.

if your genuine feeling is she could not be returned then you need to speak to the proper authorities because he could book her a flight at any time. His he on the birth certificate and therefore has legal parental responsibility and is he a British citizen /dual nationality?

does your daughter have a passport or dual nationality?

If you honestly thing this is a possibility stop asking on mumsnet get proper legal advice

If you're genuinely concerned he wants to kidnap her, why haven't you done anything about it before now? And why do you suppose he and his mum would ask you about it? Wouldn't they just get a passport and take her on his weekend?

But if you're both Jamaican, then I suppose there's no great need for her to go on this specific trip and you should work together on a plan to build up to more time with dad and his family.

Far too long for a child of four, the flights too long, the length of stay too long, the amount of time away from you is too long. Knock it on the head till she’s a bit older snd understands.

He is not a responsible or reliable parent. He walked out on your daughter when she was just 10 days old . Unforgivable in my book. He has subsequently moved a long distance away from his child, which again doesn’t suggest he is serious about wanting to develop and maintain a solid relationship.
It strikes me that he and his mother want to show off your daughter to the wider family and have them think of him as a good father. So, for all these reasons, and because your daughter shouldn’t be taken away from her primary caregiver for so long, it would be a hard no from me and I would take legal steps to prohibit it.

Ok, it seems that they "not coming back" wasn't your main concern, but the length and distance were? Maybe MN jumped on the international abduction because it was the only part where we had enough to go with.

What length are we talking about?

Does his mother live in the UK and does DD know her well?

I'd still start with him getting DD for a 3-4 days in the UK.

Completely agree with @MimiGC

Quite apart from the abduction risk, I just wouldn't want to be that far away from my young child - if she falls ill or has an accident, I would want to be there and she would want you there.

You’ve jumped onto the mumsnet hysteria

if he wanted to take your daughter he’d of done so by now in the UK not in his home country. He’s on the birth certificate so has full parental rights.

have a talk an actual talk and see if he’s actually going and as it’s grandma that’s asked not him.

Explain your fears and ask for him to build on his every fortnight with her too.

she’ll be going to school soon too so bare in mind.

No way would I let him take her especially if he plans to go off resort! It's a dangerous place.

It’s fine if he will be with family. If she is so worried about her child going to see her Jamaican family then she should not have had a child with a Jamaican man.

It doesn’t answer the question though.

I would say No. she is too young. He does not see her enough to go so far away for a more extended time. I have a four year old granddaughter who lives round the corner and I see all the time, even then if she wakes in the night etc she wants her mummy. He is planning to taker to an unfamiliar place far away from her mummy and he doesn’t have that close a relationship with her. I’d tell him he will have to wait till she’s older and can decide for herself. Any slight fear that he would not bring her back would be enough to shut down the entire conversation for me

Why did his mum told you about this and not your ex? I would not let it happen. Who will be looking after her when they start drinking? Or will her dad stay sober? She is in a strange to her environment far away from you, I wouldn't be happy at all.
And yes...will she come back is another worry

Who will be looking after her when they start drinking?

Honestly the most fascinating insight into how the entire country of Jamaica looks after its children …

The distance is irrelevant as the child is too young to understand the concept of time and will probably sleep on the plane. The fact that it was your ex's mum who asked means she will have the support of grandparents and other wider family. She will be spoilt rotten by all the relatives and have a wonderful time.

However, I am sure it must be very hard to relinquish the responsibility and control when you have been sole carer for most of the child's life. So the main question here is not the distance or whether the wedding will be overwhelming for her, but what relationship should she have with her father and his family as she grows up?

If you think it is in her best interests to build a relationship with her father and his family, then you should consent. If you think it is not in her best interests to go, you must be prepared for a cooling off from his family and perhaps not such a great relationship with them as she grows up.

I have no idea why people on this thread have been claiming the father does not see his daughter enough. He actually sees her every single weekend! This is loads. I think you should let her go. Just ensure she has a British passport in her own name first.

Could you go with them as support in case she is tired. She should be fine he's not going to run off with her and disappear. The law is 0 tolerance out there she will be fine.

While it’s more than a lot of dads manage but we all know the bar is extremely low.

How is it “loads” to spend 1-2 days of a 7 day week with your own child?

If a mother had their child for that amount of time would you call it seeing the kids “loads”?

The issue for me is a man going from seeing his kid for 1 or 2 days to having her for 3 weeks all in one go without her mother. Hence I think Op should go along too.

No. I wouldn't be happy about this, given your personal circumstances.

I did not realize it was 3 weeks sorry. I think 2 weeks is plenty for as long as you know they will be safely returned and have a British passport. Also you need to be rung twice a week at an agreed time within the different time zones.

Also where in Jamaica? I have been to Jamaica and it can be a dangerous place though that is more for the non natives to worry about.

I think most Jamaican grandmas over here in the UK wd have the sense to return their grandchild. My ex is Jamaican with French and I know and understand the culture over here quite well and a little bit over there.

Mine went long haul with their grandparents from 2. They had an amazing time.

Jamaican grandmas over here in general are very protective of their family. Have known many Jamaicans. I speak as a white British person if this is relevant.

I took my Ds from Africa to the USA. 12 hour flight, for a week.

he was an angel on the flight, but he always did travel well.

@Butterfly789 if you’re worried about the trip and her being so far from you, go to Jamaica too, to support your ex and his family if they need it. You could stay somewhere and he could pick her I and take her to the family stuff, wedding etc and you can go have a break or visit your own family etc.

its good that he wants to do this, a 4yo is very different to a 3yo.

if you coparent well, work with him.

Agree with this.

It’s next August - that is a lot of time for her to build up to spending more time with her dad. I know you mentioned she can’t do more overnights with him on a weekly basis but that doesn’t mean he can’t have her for long weekends or during school holidays (if nursery is term time). He could go to court to insist on holiday time.

I know he has property over there, but do you genuinely worry about abduction risk? What is his mum like, is she over here or in Jamaica? Involved in your DDs life.