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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica

186 replies

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:40

Hi, would be grateful to hear from anyone who has had any similar experiences:

My ex and I have a 3 year old. He walked out when she was 10 days old and since then I have been the primary caregiver. She sleeps over at his house every other weekend, and on the weeks she doesn’t sleep over, she just goes for the day on Saturday (hope this makes sense).

I have just had a call from his mom saying that they want to take her to Jamaica next August (she will be 4) to attend a family wedding.

I personally think she will be too young to go so far away, especially when she’s never even been abroad with him or spent more than 1 night with him. I have told him I would be more open to somewhere closer, like Spain for example.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Goldeh · 16/10/2025 19:50

You can apply to the court for a Prohibited Steps Order, it's around £260.

Your grounds would be:

  • your daughter is only 4 years old
  • your ex has never had her for extended periods or as the main caregiver
  • he only has limited contact
  • you are the primary caregiver and your daughter’s emotional security and routine are based around you
  • there is no justification that the trip would be in her best interests
  • he has property, family, and citizenship ties to Jamaica which are massive red flags in terms of abduction risk

Has he said or done anything specific that would suggest he might not return her?

Regardless, YANBU to say no on the grounds that it's not in her best interests to be so far away from you for an extended period of time.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/10/2025 19:51

Newsenmum · 16/10/2025 19:37

Can you say it’s too long away from you? Id personally say no at that age. Unless
you go too.

Exactly. You go too or she cannot go.

No5ChalksRoad · 16/10/2025 19:51

I would not allow this for an eight-year-old let alone a four-year-old.

herbalteabag · 16/10/2025 19:52

I would be inclined to say no, she's too young right now. It doesn't sound as though you trust him enough to know if he will bring her back. He probably will, but it will be a lot of worry. Also, she is highly likely to miss you and not want to be away from you for such a long time, as she is very young and depending on her personality, meeting so many new people whilst being away from you may be too overwhelming.
I would either say no, or go as well.

Goldeh · 16/10/2025 20:00

Don't offer to go with them, that just opens up a whole new can of worms. Travelling with your child may seem safer because you’re there but legally, it places both of you within his jurisdiction. He is a citizen with property and family ties, you are not so you might find he has more leverage and influence while yours is limited. He could refuses to let your child leave, withhold her passport, or start custody proceedings against you in the Jamaican courts, at which point you're fighting a legal battle within an unfamiliar system.

CatsorDogsrule · 16/10/2025 20:04

Do you trust his mum? Does she and the close family live in the UK?

Most parental abductions that I am aware of involve a different religion to the mother, where the father takes the child to live with relatives of his religion. Would that be the case here? I assume not, and that the wider family are happy that the child, the father, and probably the grandmother all live in the UK.

A family wedding and trip to experience half of her heritage would be amazing for your child. I wouldn't want to prevent this due to random people's (possibly racist) opinions on MN.

If you trust the Grandmother, I have no doubt she and the family will do their utmost to keep the child safe and risk would be very low in regular, residential areas amongst family.

Vaxtable · 16/10/2025 20:06

I would not be happy. Does she have a passport? If not I would order one tomorrow so you have it

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 20:07

MrsToothyBitch · 16/10/2025 19:38

Absolutely not. Far too far away and far too long a trip given that she only spends every other weekend with one overnight with him when she's only 4.

I also wouldn't countenance my child being taken to a country where my partner had a home / could easily remain, particularly one which is so far away and not a Hague signatory. As pp have stated, if she doesn't have a passport yet, sort it now so it comes to you and keep any passport / docs under lock and key. Would she be entitled to and would he try to apply for a Jamaican passport for her? What could you do about that?

Where are you seeing that Jamaica is not a signatory?

Bedtimeread · 16/10/2025 20:08

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

Show quote history

Based on this added information no I wouldn’t let her go without you also being there. Is there an option for you to holiday there and drop her off and pick up for the wedding?

DontStopMeNowGoodTime · 16/10/2025 20:08

If you can go too (and he pays) that might make work. Otherwise without no. I wouldn't do it. I have a DC same age, she'd be lost without me for that long. Trust your gut OP.

tripleginandtonic · 16/10/2025 20:09

MajorMerrick · 16/10/2025 18:50

I don’t see an issue tbh, she’ll be with her father. Unless there’s something you’re not saying, will they bring her home?

This

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/10/2025 20:10

His mum asked you if DD could go?

Why didn't ex ask you? Do you communicate via his mum?

That would be another reason for no.

Assuming it would be for two weeks, that's two weeks with just two adults she knows but surrounded by a lot of strangers, as well as a big wedding ceremony. I think she would really miss you and would find it all too much age 4.

A weekend wedding in UK - I would be much more amenable to because of the distance and because you could come and pick her up if she was unhappy and its a much shorter time. But their proposal.. .just too young.

Northbynorthbest · 16/10/2025 20:12

I'd be worried that he wouldn't bring her back. I wouldn't risk it.

EscapadeVelocity · 16/10/2025 20:13

Thank you, @CatsorDogsrule.

I honestly think it’s highly unlikely that the child’s grandmother, who clearly lives in the UK, would be countenancing a plot to steal the child away and keep her in Jamaica. (Not saying it’s impossible - but 🤷‍♀️)

What is your relationship with her, @Butterfly789?

RaininSummer · 16/10/2025 20:18

I think he should start having her to stay overnight and for a few days at a time and then assuming all goes well you can feel more comfortable about the trip for the wedding. If course if your have any reservations about him bringing her back then don't allow it.

Chinsupmeloves · 16/10/2025 20:19

I don't think the distance is an issue, lots of kids go on long haul flights. It seems more the worry about being cared for, out of your control. If you have concerns about what has been suggested as being taken away to stay then get legal advice and steps put in place beforehand.

fruitfly3 · 16/10/2025 20:20

Hard no from me. Neither of my children would want to travel or be away from me for that period, and their father lives with them. Who has parental rights? If he’s insistent and can’t be dissuaded (and you can’t go too at his cost) then I would take it to the courts. They won’t want to risk that under their watch.

Luna6 · 16/10/2025 20:21

I would not let her go. Only if you went with her and held onto the passport.

Goldbar · 16/10/2025 20:24

Do you think there is a real risk he won't bring her back? Has he been abusive in the past/failed to return your DD at the planned time? Do you think he really wants to be your DD's main carer (a lot of fathers wouldn't)? Does he have a job and assets in this country?

Unless there is a real risk that he won't return her, tbh I would be fine with this so long as he builds up to the trip by having your DD for a couple of longer stays in the UK.

once1caughtafishalive · 16/10/2025 20:28

If there was even a 1% chance he would not bring her back, then absolutely not. It would be a resounding "NO".

limescale · 16/10/2025 20:28

I never had a PSO, but I did have it written in the CAO that my ex could not take our then 8 year old son to India for a holiday.
There posed no risk to him staying there (he has no Indian heritage), I just said it was too far and for too long.

Deebee90 · 16/10/2025 20:29

Absolutely not . He has her once every 2 weeks for 2 days. 10 days is too much , only way I’d let her go is if he pays for you to go too but obviously stay in a hotel etc and not attend the wedding. That way you know you are bringing her back too.

Littlemrsconfetti · 16/10/2025 20:32

How well do you get on with the grandma? Has the grandma always been involved? Tbh Jamaica is a long flight and you need 2 weeks really.

I would say no tbh.

BluntPlumHam · 16/10/2025 20:33

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

Show quote history

No. Don’t do it.

Gruffporcupine · 16/10/2025 20:36

CatsorDogsrule · 16/10/2025 20:04

Do you trust his mum? Does she and the close family live in the UK?

Most parental abductions that I am aware of involve a different religion to the mother, where the father takes the child to live with relatives of his religion. Would that be the case here? I assume not, and that the wider family are happy that the child, the father, and probably the grandmother all live in the UK.

A family wedding and trip to experience half of her heritage would be amazing for your child. I wouldn't want to prevent this due to random people's (possibly racist) opinions on MN.

If you trust the Grandmother, I have no doubt she and the family will do their utmost to keep the child safe and risk would be very low in regular, residential areas amongst family.

This is such bad advice and you are so naive

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