Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica

[Butterfly789]

Hi, would be grateful to hear from anyone who has had any similar experiences:

My ex and I have a 3 year old. He walked out when she was 10 days old and since then I have been the primary caregiver. She sleeps over at his house every other weekend, and on the weeks she doesn’t sleep over, she just goes for the day on Saturday (hope this makes sense).

I have just had a call from his mom saying that they want to take her to Jamaica next August (she will be 4) to attend a family wedding.

I personally think she will be too young to go so far away, especially when she’s never even been abroad with him or spent more than 1 night with him. I have told him I would be more open to somewhere closer, like Spain for example.

AIBU?

Unrelated?

Unrelated person? OP said it's a family wedding.

Op has only said it’s a concern of hers but hadn’t explained why.

Nope.

This puts a completely different spin on things. I would let her go and build up to it. He can’t take her out of the country for more than 28 days without consent anyway.

Your DD has Jamaican heritage and has the right to get to know the place and her extended family. Her Dad would need to build up longer time with your DD between now and then. Get legal advice about what your/your DD’s rights if he did not bring her back - I think it’s classed as abduction.

😳soz, thought OP said DD wasn’t blood related?

What does the distance matter? She is still away from you and him having to manage her alone?

He’ll have to arrange himself so he can have her for longer periods in the run up - it would not be fair to a 4 yo not to see her Mum for a couple of weeks all of a sudden.

It's not even a random holiday alone with the father, but with extended family including the grandmother who actually contacted OP for permission.

The father could go to court and might well be granted permission for this and more. I know that I would prefer to agree to this loving, family holiday for my child, with certain assurances including building up the length of visits, over a court order that takes it entirely out of my hands.

First of all, 4 is very young to be away from the primary care giver for that length of time. She is likely to enjoy it a lot more when she is older and more independent. And, if this is a loving father/family there will be plenty of future opportunities for such trips.

Secondly, if the father goes to court for a specific issues order and gets permission to take the child, that would actually be legally hugely reassuring for the OP as the trip would be authorized (and restricted) by the court, so there would be very little risk the child would not be returned!

Based solely on the fact that Jamaica is not part of The Hague convention then no.

I do find it very sad your dd can’t go and enjoy time with her family there, but the sad reality is there are too many stories of children being taken my parents in these situations.

Id make sure you have measures in place, dose the ex have parental rights, access to her passport etc…

What good is that info 5 years after the pregnancy?

I am of Jamaican heritage myself!!

No, absolutely not.

Not to a country he has any potential to not bring her back from.

Edit - is there any possibility you could go too? That’s the only way I’d allow it.

I’m not depriving her of any heritage thanks, her father and I are both Jamaican. 😊

Then genuinely what is the issue? If you're Jamaican too, he can't kidnap her there can he?

The answer is short, succinct, and a complete sentence:

NO.

Even better, as there's the possibility you could go get her back in the unlikely event he doesn't return?

What exactly is your fear and what could he do to reassure you in the next year?

Ummm because he could just take her and keep her there…

As I have explained, he has a house there and was actually born there. Although my family are Jamaican, I was born in the UK

Well it wouldn’t be as simple as “just getting her back”. I would have no idea where she was. He wouldn’t exactly be like, “Hi! We’re on xxxx street, come and pick her up!”

Regardless, my main concern would be her being away from me, so far away, for such a long time and whether that’s in her best interests. The only reason the abduction thing got brought up was because lots of other posters were mentioning it.

My ex was born in Jamaica and has properties there. It's never crossed my mind he might return with our daughter and not come back.

I was born in Jamaica... but there's never been a risk of me taking his daughter and running back to Jamaica.

It's a shame that doubt has been planted.

I do understand the discomfort around being away from her for an extended period though. It's a shame he doesn't have a more frequent visiting schedule, as that would probably make it easier. She'd have a fantastic time surrounded by people who would most likely shower her with love.

Oh hell no. Absolutely no chance. He'd have to see me in court if this was my small child.

can you have a proper conversation with him, explain the reasons why you are reluctant to. Would you going too be an option? A family wedding is important but you need to be careful

Is he named on the birth certificate? If so even if you refuse he could still go to court for permission. I had a family member in a similar situation 1 overnight a fortnight and the father was still granted an order from the court to take the child for a week. Why is the mother asking though does he even want to take the child?