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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica

186 replies

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:40

Hi, would be grateful to hear from anyone who has had any similar experiences:

My ex and I have a 3 year old. He walked out when she was 10 days old and since then I have been the primary caregiver. She sleeps over at his house every other weekend, and on the weeks she doesn’t sleep over, she just goes for the day on Saturday (hope this makes sense).

I have just had a call from his mom saying that they want to take her to Jamaica next August (she will be 4) to attend a family wedding.

I personally think she will be too young to go so far away, especially when she’s never even been abroad with him or spent more than 1 night with him. I have told him I would be more open to somewhere closer, like Spain for example.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 16/10/2025 23:23

@Butterfly789 No way !
Rinse and repeat

Libellousness · 16/10/2025 23:24

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

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Once he has her in Spain, he can easily hop on a flight to Jamaica and there’s nothing you can do to stop him. If you think there’s any risk he wouldn’t return her, you need to be preventing any overseas trips.

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:25

If this was me, and I note that I have the disposable income which would allow me to do so, I would take her, especially as it is a shared heritage. She will have a great time. Do you not have family there you could visit or stay with?

Obv only you know the state of your co-parenting relationship.

I wouldn't blink an eye at the flight time with them at this age, totally doable.

IamNotBeingUnreasonable · 16/10/2025 23:29

Jamaica is an unsafe country.

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:30

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 22:31

Based solely on the fact that Jamaica is not part of The Hague convention then no.

I do find it very sad your dd can’t go and enjoy time with her family there, but the sad reality is there are too many stories of children being taken my parents in these situations.

Id make sure you have measures in place, dose the ex have parental rights, access to her passport etc…

This is not true.

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:33

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:30

This is not true.

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What isn’t?

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:37

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:33

What isn’t?

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Members

Ex wants to take DD (4) to Jamaica
76evie · 16/10/2025 23:39

Butterfly789 · 16/10/2025 18:52

Spain is not a 9 hour flight away and a completely different time zone. With Jamaica, there’s also the risk he might not bring her back or will stay longer than initially planned as it is his home country and has his own house there.

Show quote history

Given it’s his home country & he has a house there it would be a massive no from me.

anywhere would be a no from me to be honest given she only spends one night a fortnight with him and is only 4

ChimneyPot · 16/10/2025 23:39

A friend was in a similar position and her child’s father Paige for her to travel over with the child rather than have a young child away from his primary caregiver for 2 weeks.

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:42

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:33

What isn’t?

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You said that Jamaica is not part of the Hague convention, but as far as I can see from their website it very much looks like they are. Unless you have additional context here?

AliceMcK · 16/10/2025 23:49

Starterlocs · 16/10/2025 23:44

You are conflating membership with contracting parties. Look at the specific convention itself here: https://www.hcch.net/en/instruments/conventions/status-table/?cid=24

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Ahhh my mistake. I looked it up before commenting but obviously didn’t do it properly.

JFDIYOLO · 16/10/2025 23:51

Being on the other side of the planet from your little girl?? Nope. For her, the heat, the strangers, being away from mum etc could be frightening. Can you go too? Maybe stay in a hotel and share her care then she can just go to the wedding with him.

JJZ · 16/10/2025 23:54

Noodledog · 16/10/2025 19:23

Just don't let her go. Ignore the Mumsnet bleeding hearts, she's your daughter and she's your priority, not "being fair" to a mostly absent father.

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She can say no but he can take her to court if he wishes.

I know someone who did this (exact same situation, different country), and he won the right to take his child abroad to his home country.

He did bring the child back!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/10/2025 00:00

I wouldn’t at this stage of where they are with contact say this is in her best interest? Let alone the abduction risk.

however if you think it is her best interest to attend… could you offer to fly out with her if he pays for it and he just takes her for the day of the wedding? Then you get a free holiday, stay in control of her passport and your child still gets to bond with her extended family etc but feels safe as she’s close go
yiu

Tiredofbullsit · 17/10/2025 00:08

Not a chance!

opencecilgee · 17/10/2025 04:04

Hard no

Yokopops · 17/10/2025 07:33

Yokopops · 16/10/2025 21:09

I think no because he doesn’t see her much now and she’s so young.

My friend had a kid with a guy and they split up when their kid was very young, neither went on to have any more kids and had an amicable relationship. My friend was always invited along to family trips to Nigeria when her kid was growing up - paid for by the exes family of course.

So both she and her kid got to experience and learn about Nigeria together which is great. She is so happy that her kid is very proud of her mixed heritage and knows a lot about her African side unlike many mixed race kids she knows from her town.

Is there any way your ex would pay for you to go as well? If you are open to going that is…

Hearing you’re both Jamaican heritage slightly changes some of what I said previously but I still maintain this can be resolved by you going over with her.

My worry isn’t the “abduction risk”, as I’ve never heard of this happening with Jamaican families, but more the fact she isn’t used to being away from you for so long and she’s still quite young.

Leadonmacduffs · 17/10/2025 07:37

NotoriousABC · 16/10/2025 18:53

What’s the difference between Spain and Jamaica? It’s not like you could drop by and pick her up from either place.

He’s her other parent and presumably it’s a wedding for her wider paternal family, I’d be more pissed off if she wasn’t invited.

What’s the difference? Other than a long haul flight, the time spent away from the main carer, the distance of the kid should need the mum?
TBH if it was 2 weeks in Spain it would be a no… a long weekend - sure.
What if he doesn’t bring her back? And why isn’t he talking to you rather than his mum

MrsToothyBitch · 17/10/2025 08:31

Apologies if the Hague confusion was from me, I added it as a point after someone upthread to me mentioned it as it's something that would concern me. As I was mning whilst waiting for a timer to go, I didn't google to check. Normally I would.

Hope the thread overall has been of use, OP. If your gut is saying no, listen to it.

NotoriousABC · 17/10/2025 08:32

I wish my XH would take our DC on holiday and support them to build relationships with their wider family and learn about their heritage.

So many posts where XHs are torn apart for going away with their new partners and other children/stepchildren and leaving their other child out. Don’t moan if this is what happens over the next few years because the ‘boundaries’ have been set out now by gatekeeping your shared child.

ThejoyofNC · 17/10/2025 08:36

Can't you go to Jamaica as well and just not attend the wedding?

cinnamonbunlover · 17/10/2025 08:50

Do you have a passport for her

Cucy · 17/10/2025 08:53

NotoriousABC · 17/10/2025 08:32

I wish my XH would take our DC on holiday and support them to build relationships with their wider family and learn about their heritage.

So many posts where XHs are torn apart for going away with their new partners and other children/stepchildren and leaving their other child out. Don’t moan if this is what happens over the next few years because the ‘boundaries’ have been set out now by gatekeeping your shared child.

It’s not about never letting her go on holiday with him.

But she’ll only be 4 and has never been away from her mum for more than 1 night.

Even a 3 day school trip would be a lot at that age if they’re not used to it.

RBowmama · 17/10/2025 08:59

Honestly I understand all your concerns and my best proposal would be I'll come too but not to the wedding or any family events, I'll just stay close by so DD has her safe space and comfort with me. I think it's a wonderful experience for your DD which she will love but it will be so busy and kids that age do get tired and are prone to meltdowns when there's so much going on. Is her dad prepared to drop everything, not be drinking much to keep a close eye on DD and meet all her needs because she has to be his priority. And tbh if he doesn't see her that much, he's probably not that used to all this trip might entail. If it all gets a bit much for everyone, you can come pick her up. I'd do everything possible to go too.

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