Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

John might have heard something as a kid that he misinterpreted. For instance, my cousin was born after my uncle had had a vasectomy and she had dark curly hair. This led to a lot of joking about the milkman/the Greek waiter on their last holiday/etc etc. No one meant it, and my cousin as an adult looks exactly like her brother and has a clear resemblance to both parents. But a young kid could have heard all of that and just taken it as truth. Which doesn’t mean John isn’t shit stirring by bringing it up now.

I think you’re overthinking the whole thing.

Your Husband isn’t going to think you’ve randomly made up that his Dad isn’t his Dad, and he isn’t going to think you are lying about who’s said that to you.

Alternatively, if you don’t say anything and it comes out that John has mentioned it to you, then I imagine he would be even more hurt.

@CherrieTomatiesmy husband is amazing, I’m not and never have been afraid of him, I am worried about dropping a bomb into his and his immediate families lives though, the hurt and the betrayal and all other emotions that may come with it, I know I have to tell him and I will tomorrow.

Please know that “dropping a bomb” won’t be your fault. It will be John’s. John decided to be a complete arsehole and put you in an incredibly uncomfortable position.

Please don’t fret about this. You’ll make yourself ill.

I agree with this. DH needs to hear it directly from John. If John denies saying anything to you, you’ll know he’s deeply manipulative and you need to steer well clear of him. He’s told you for a reason. But you don’t have to do his dirty work for him.

Oh jeez. You're being ridiculous. I'm beginning to think this thread is just made up nonsense now.

So what is john denies it?

Your H is hardly going to think you made the whole thing up is he?

John has been very clear about his dislike for your MiL, so if he denies it he will have to explain his dislike in the end anyway. Or just end up looking like a tool

I think it is a shame you didn’t tell him tonight. Work would have been a good distraction for him and allowed him to mull it over in his own mind on his own without you or other family around. The thing is we can’t protect people their feelings.

Also, he may already know about the rumour but never told you.

I would be honest with your DH about what is being said to you. Don't make judgements though. It may be misinformation or deliberate lies. Just support your DH, you are on his side.

Fully agree with this.
There’s a world of difference between keeping something you absolutely know to be a fact from someone you have taken vows with and being in a mad rush to upend a whole heap of distress on the flimsiest hearsay.
Id be taking my sweet time on destroying my husband’s equilibrium on something as tenuous as this. As people have said, I’d be putting this back on John, having a chat with the MIL or at most, telling my husband I was pretty unhappy with John for telling me a load of ugly things about his mother and to take it up with John if he wants to know more.
I don’t know that any partner would feel betrayed by someone taking their time and care to be certain of sth over racing home to pass on bad news instantly. This has potentially been a rumour for years: a few more days won’t make much difference.

I’d just be really casual with it like “wow John said something ridiculous when I saw him at the gym, he said Fred is your dad wtf” keep it light hearted and see if DH knows / John has form for chatting shit x

bad idea. It would indicate that OP has been told this info but whether it's true or not, it's not important enough to be taken seriously. It is pretty shattering information, and to see that your nearest and dearest is treating it lightheartedly would be devastating . You would need to find somebody that you could discuss this with who would understand the full implications of this devastating news, and it wouldn't be your nearest and dearest as they have not understood how upsetting it could be.

My DP would believe me over his cousin. Stop making excuses and tell him today exactly what John said. Not ‘John has something to say.’ The relationship would be over if DP kept something like this from me. If John is correct then the only one who is in the wrong is your MIL.

I think you're overthinking this. Given the family history with John I would just say I bumped into John and he told me something really weird. Then tell him what John said and leave it there. You're not saying what John said is true, you're just telling him what happened to you. I think that would be a normal thing to do with your husband. Then he can respond as to whether he has any inkling this is true. It is most likely that if it is true he will not be surprised anyway.

There is nothing to be gained by dragging this out, and the longer you sit on it, the worse you look. Whatever you are going to do, it would have been better done yesterday, and worse done tomorrow.

You’re making this far more complicated than needs be.

Sit your husband down and just say,

“DH, last time I bumped into John at the gym he said something that really shocked me however as your wife I have to tell you.”

He deserves to have the information in a clear and direct conversation not be sent off on a treasure hunt to find clues about what you actually mean.

Why on earth would you husband think you would make up such a massive lie? There isn't any bonus to you from telling it -quite the opposite really.

Surely your DH knows that shit stirring is not a part of your make up though....
So why would you make something like that up?
Good luck 🤞🏻

The thing is you can frame it as ‘your cousin said something really strange to me at the gym’ - you don’t have to make it really dramatic or infer you believe it. You are overthinking and in danger of being caught out for not mentioning it - or seeming to enjoy the drama / collude with cousin.

This may have been mentioned upthread but I’d be contacting John and questioning him on this further. What proof does he have (it has to be concrete not just a rumour or ‘they look nothing alike’) and which family members can back this up? If his answers make you think he’s telling the truth then I’d be telling him to come round and tell your husband himself.

Right now, bearing in mind he doesn’t get on with your husband’s mum, I’d be sceptical that he wants you to throw a grenade into the family (whether true or not) while he enjoys the fallout and none of the flack.

I do agree with others that you can't sit on this OP. You do need to tell your husband today, and if he doesn't have work tonight, it would be a better time. Given the family situation with John, I'd have thought it highly unlikely your husband would think you've made the entire conversation with John up. You have absolutely no reason to lie about the conversation or it's contents. It is entirely possible that your FIL is aware that your husband isn't his biological child. Do you know when your MIL and FIL married? Is it possible she was pregnant when she married? A family member of mine became pregnant and married whilst pregnant - her husband wasn't her child's biological Dad - a fact he knew upon marrying her - the son has never been told the truth. I also know a friend in the same situation, her child doesn't know the truth either. Of course it's entirely possible your MIL had an affair, and has passed her son off as her husband's child, and he isn't aware.

Although, given all this drama on the thread from OP, perhaps she has form...

Yes the element which would really worry me, would be, "Why didn't my partner tell me this immediately?"
This is where my trust would commence diminishment
Why would someone you love & should be able to completely trust, procrastinate for so long? The longer my supposedly trustworthy partner, put it off & kept a secret to themselves, the more I'd lose my trust in them
💚😢🙏

Definitely, this is the way to go. Don't make more of it than there is. It may not be the big bombshell you think.

This may have been mentioned upthread but I’d be contacting John and questioning him on this further. What proof does he have (it has to be concrete not just a rumour or ‘they look nothing alike’) and which family members can back this up? If his answers make you think he’s telling the truth then I’d be telling him to come round and tell your husband himself.

Absolutely do NOT do this! It's not your place to dig around in your husband's family history. Just tell him, let him decide what, if anything, he wants to do about it, and support him as best you can.