Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

This!!! John can tell him face to face and answer the inevitable questions

which he won't do because I strongly suspect he has zero evidence to back this up.

IF it's true - which we definitely don't know.

John could be lying (maliciously).

John could have misunderstood something he overheard as a child.

I agree with others, if John knows (assuming it's true) then others in the wider family must know too. And it's odd that they have managed to keep it from your DH.

My normal reaction to hearing family gossip (especially malicious gossip) is to try and forget it, and NOT pass it on. However you clearly don't feel able to do that and so you are going to have to talk to your husband about it otherwise it'll be there between you forever. And the longer you wait the harder it will be.

....if it's true.

The way in which the OP describes him and the way in which he told her about this doesn't really give the impression of a sensitive and pure soul crushed by the burden of a secret truth. 'Malicious arsehole' sounds closer.

However, if he does think it's time the truth came out, he should, as you say, do it himself. Because what he's done here will not necessarily cause the truth to come out. In which case, who will he tell next?

...if it's true.

I would tell him but not in a way of “sit down love I need to tell you something important “ but in a passing alongside way “saw John today in the gym and OMG he clearly doesn’t like your mum he even said that Fred was your real dad not FIL’s name”
And then if DH is interested he will ask you more questions about this conversation.

Completely wrong thread - sorry!

What I would do is bring your husband down and say ‘now John , tell him what you told me’ as he is the one that put you int his position.
I’m sure if he is so honest he would appreciate the honesty of it all.

The mum may have lied in agreement with her husband who agreed to raise the child as his own. It could be the dad who wanted it kept secret as much as the mum.
however it could also just be a nasty rumour based on air.

OK, put things the other way round. Suppose that the person you see as your father is not in fact your biological father.

Your DH or DP is told by a family member about this. And then they keep it secret from you.

When you eventually found out, how would that make you feel towards your DH/DP for keeping such a big secret about your own life from you?

@Another2Cats , I'd not engage. It wouldn't have been my secret to tell.

Personally, I'd be delighted to know that my 'D'F isn't my biological dad (but that's just me)...but as you say, it's the keeping of the secret for years that would annoy/upset me more.

OP, I see from your last update, you've decided that you'll tell him...I hope it goes ok. 😬

I can see precisely why other family members don’t like John …

Tell him 100%.

Then follow his lead. Regardless of whether its true, I'd advise avoiding that man like the plague because he basically told you for fun and to get one over for "knowing something" other people don't and rather than making a careful, thoughtful.decision to disclose, he's chucked a bomb into your lives just for the fun of it. It's nasty, cruel and not someone I'd want in my life because that's not how you treat people.

Choose your moment with DH. Ideally when kids are out of the house and he has time to process it. He could be dismissive ("typical john"), raging, upset.. you don't know, but you need to be ready to.give that reaction space.

What a shit-stirring idiot. It's going to throw a bomb into the family, whether it's true or not. It sounds like John would give zero fucks if it hurt anyone. I'd be giving him a wide berth from now on.

A piece of advice I got given on the sly, when I was a baby teacher, 21/22 years old... When you enter a new work place, if more than one person warns you that someone is an arsehole, then heed the warning. Maybe they're perfectly lovely to you, but keep them at a polite arms-distance anyway. This advice has served me well many times.

In your case OP, if multiple other people in the family have told you that John is a bit of a twat, then I'd take whatever he says with a massive bit of "hmmm, really?" And a lot of distance.

Is there someone else in the family you could quietly ask about John's history, and whether the story about the NotDad has any legs? A kind sensible cousin? An aunt or uncle?

Wow. This is a real dilemma. If it were me, I genuinely would keep schtum. It could be utter nonsense. If it does come out in the open and it turns out you knew I would play it down and say ‘I remember years ago John mentioning Brenda being a bit of a one back in the day and questioning the kids paternity, but I laughed, I thought it was John being John, he’s always hated Brenda and shit stirs’.

You could cause a monumental blow up by mentioning this now, especially if your DH parents are both still alive. And the real father is still alive. I would just never mention it again and I’d try and steer a bit clear of John.

Exactly. Me too. Nasty shit stirrer. If he were a genuinely good honest straight talking guy, he'd have told DH directly

Tell your husband

This, why on earth did it need explaining though @ReadingSoManyThreads

He is your husband, you need to tell him what he said. If it comes out in the future that you knew then you would be in a worse position and if I were your husband, this would be just as hurtful as learning the truth.

You've got to tell him. You can't possibly think it's OK to keep something like that from your DH.

I would frame it as "I don't know if John is telling the truth or if he is just shit stirring, but this is what he told me the other day...", that way it sounds like you're just passing on what John told you rather than taking a stand on whether you think it's true or not. Mention that you wish you weren't told at all, but now that you have been told you can't possibly keep something like that to yourself. It's then up to your DH what he does with this information but make it clear you will support him in whatever he decides to do, whether he decides to do nothing, to confront your MIL, or confront John about it.

These type of situations aren't uncommon in families. There's several similar situations on my extended side of the family. Unfortunately, you have no way of knowing if John is telling you the truth or if this is just rumour. However, it does explain why he's not keen on your MIL, and probably sees her as a hypocrite. I doubt very much your FIL is aware of the situation. I do wonder why John told you, it could be that he's fed up with your MIL living a 'holier than vow' life, when she knows all along her son isn't her husband's biological child. Perhaps she's one of the family members who's been particularly harsh on him? I certainly don't think he's telling you out the kindness of his heart! If he were doing this for the right reasons, he'd be speaking to your husband directly, and not involving you. He's getting you to do his dirty work for him, hoping that you will tell your husband, and blow the whole family apart. Revenge on those he perceives as 'doing him wrong' maybe? Unfortunately, I don't think you can sit on the information. So I think you will be doing exactly what John hopes you'll do. It's how your husband reacts to the news. He may not want to rock the boat but on the other hand he might decide to speak to his Mum. Regardless, it's going to devastate him.

Let's forget about John and his intentions. @loveteandcake You need to tell your DH so that he can find out if this is true. There are some illnesses that are genetic so it's important to know for him and for your children if you have any. My grandfather had a brother who died of heartfailure. He had inherited his dad's heart condition but since noone knew that he didn't have the same dad as my gf (except his mother ofcourse) nothing was done that could have prevented his premature death).

The doctor will ask you if you have got any xxx in the family when prescribing tests as well. This is vital information.

I would also say that this could come as a relief to your dh who might have felt that something was off growing up but never been able to understand what.

It's your moral duty to inform him of what you have been told. Then support him.

I think your attitude to this is all wrong. I would not go in as if you are telling DH a truth that has been kept secret. I would assume the claim to be false and tell him with that in mind. For the life of me I don’t understand why you immediately believe what he’s said. Someone who can so casually drop a bombshell is not to be trusted in my opinion.

He might have told you this to get back at DH or MIL. The other thing is that he probably assumes that you will tell your DH, which means that it is just a matter of time before blabbermouth tells DH that he told you. At which point the stuff will hit the fan. Another reason to tell your DH what this shitstirrer has told you asap.

@ThejoyofNC

He's not a malicious arsehole at all. He's kept the secret for years and years, if he was so malicious why would he do that? It's clearly been eating him alive and he hasn't ever been false, he's never been able to hide his disdain for any of the liars.

If he really is a well meaning truth seeker, why is he choosing to burden someone who a) can’t know the truth herself and b) is put in a difficult position as a result of his actions. If it was really “eating him alive” why would he casually deliver this to someone who he knew would feel compelled to tell the son on the person accused of this.

Sorry, but John is a shit stirrer with his own motives, which aren’t aligned with those of the OP.

That is not to say it isn’t true, but I don’t believe his motives are benign and the OP needs to tread carefully if she is treating him as a source.

I mean, you have to really. If and when it all comes out in the future and your DH finds out you’ve known but not told him. Well, that’s not going to go down well is it?