Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

Telling your husband might not elicit the reaction you expect.

If it’s true, it would probably be a shock but he may have doubts about his parentage anyway but never spoke of it.

Telling him may help your husband make sense of his childhood which sounds confusing and sad if he was treated differently, and by all accounts had less emotional nourishment than his sister.

I would speak to your husband as you have written it above. Stick to facts. Try to deliver it calmly. Support him with the fallout which may or may not come.

Good luck.

Yes it’s such a hard one for op to approach since there are different ways people can feel about this. I’d much rather have information like this from someone I love and know who is sensitive and has my interests at heart, than someone whom there is already bad feeling toward in the family. I also wouldn’t like to think of my partner liaising with John further on this rather than just coming to me. But as you say, doesn’t mean everyone would feel the same, hopefully it’s been helpful to op to read a range of responses.

Me neither. I'd actually have asked mil but have always had a good relationship with her. Although no way would fil not have been dh's dad. He's so like him.

Dh does need to know.

It may be true, or John as a child may have got the wrong end of the stick. Or your DH may know but just doesn't talk about it. If he doesn't know and doesn't want to confront his mum your DH could take a DNA test (Ancestry) and see if he gets matches from his dad's side of the family or an unknown set of relations and of course his mum's side. If John's so certain you could get him to do a test too to show if they are full siblings or not. If his mother had an affair she may not even be sure who his father is, sounds like his mum and dad had another child after him so whatever did or didn't happen wasn't catastrophic to their marriage.

Just word it carefully but yes you definitely need to tell dh. J sounds like he is causing trouble on purpose. It may not even be true and I think I would start with that sentence. J obviously knew you were going to tell your husband.

I think I‘d want to know more first - does Fred know? A relative came into his elder son‘s life just before he turned 2. He formally adopted the child at some point, but he and his wife chose not to tell the lad and his siblings as the eldest couldn’t remember a time before his de facto Dad. It wouldn’t be the decision most people would make, but it’s an example of how something like this can remain a secret through kind intentions.

Why in John‘s eyes does this make m-i-l a bad person? And who had been talking about it? Is he sure?

If there’s a danger of shoot the messenger, maybe John could tell DH?

Good luck with whatever you do. Your DH has a very caring DW.

I would tell him, and then he can quiz John later about what exactly he knows (or thinks he knows.

I would question John's motives for speaking out. Why now, why to you? Also it doesn't sound as if he said "Listen, there's something a bit awkward that I think you should know...", he said it as a dig at your MIL. Maybe he feels hard done by. But I would certainly keep our of his way in future.

I’d hate to have to be the bearer of such news. I really wouldn’t want to.
but if dh hid this from me I’d feel betrayed so that tells me that I’d have to say.
you can definitely say it was a throw away comment and you haven’t verified anything and you love his family, but you didn’t want to hide anything from him, and will support whatever decision he makes regarding this info.

1. John’s lying. Your DH has a right to know that his cousin is spreading rumours and lies about him
2. John is telling the truth. Your DH had a right to know the truth

It’s your DH’s life and his decision if he wants to believe him or not, and whether he wants to prove it one way or another. If true it may matter if nothing than from a purely medical reason.

Tell your husband. Word it in a bumped into John and he said this. Don’t make a huge deal about it. Be led by how your DH reacts.

John may be shit stirring but also may be utterly sick if being cast as the black sheep and hearing how wonderful your MIL is telling the truth. Also I don’t agree with John blurting it out to you, I don’t blame him for being honest (if that’s what he is being).

He might already know or suspect but chooses not to rock the boat. You have to tell him or else there will be this big secret between you in your marriage. What he chooses to do or not do is up to him and you can just say you'll support whatever choices he makes.

You tell your DH:

1. If it's true he has a right to know.
2. If it's not true he needs to know his cousin is spreading rumours.
3. Withholding information is as bad as lying IMO.

Could you tell John that he needs to tell his cousin / your husband himself

There is no way that John is the only one who would hold this information. Your DH might want to join ancestry and do DNA testing for his family tree.

Or, you could speak to your mil. Then she could be the one to tell him (if there's anything to tell) in her own way.

I'd start by saying Jim has told you something about dh mum that will also affect him and you have agonised all day if to tell him. However, you don't want any secrets so does he want to know?

I would have told my DH immediately. I find it bizarre that you didn't and that others wouldn't to be honest. Even if it isn't true, your DH should know what this man is going around saying.

Yes, he's your husband 😢Of course
He's got every right to know what's been said, whether true or untrue
Makes no difference
Why would you consider keeping this from your husband, shouldn't be secrets & how can your husband do anything about discovering the truth, if he's kept in dark?
How would you feel if your husband kept something like this from you? 🙏

So John heard stuff, but this usually happens he does not know the full story. It could have been the result of a fling, but it could have also been the result of something else.

I would tell your Husband exactly what John said to you, the context goes a long way too so obviously how the discussion came about. It may be known but I'd imagine it would be something that he would have shared with you previously.

Just be prepared, as this could be super emotional and possibly suggest you both go to discuss with his parents. Do not involve John and also do not let on to John that its even been discussed. He could've done this out of spite, he could've got jealous etc. But either way John is hoping for a reaction. Good luck, stay strong x

But why has he told you and not your husband? Does he want you to look like a gossip? Upset your relationship with MIL (you say she is supportive and is kind enough to babysit)? Is he just trying to make you look bad?

True or untrue, I would advise telling your husband. If you don’t and it gets out another way, John could very easily drop you right in it but revealing that you already knew.

I wouldn’t go to your MIL first either. Not only because you don’t know how she’ll react, but because if it’s true your husband may feel very betrayed by such serious conversations about him being had behind his back. In this situation I would expect my spouse’s loyalty to be to me, and I wouldn’t appreciate finding out they’d spoken to my parent about it first, or hidden it from me entirely.

Even if you don’t tell him, it’s not at all improbable that it comes out. What happens if one of your children decides to do a DNA test?

Id tell him, he needs to know if its true and if its not true it shows the family member up to be a complete liar
Plus not telling him will eat you up, and he will know somethings up and possibly jump to other conclusions

Even if it’s true, John is still a shit-stirrer.

If he genuinely felt strongly about this he would have told his cousin surely? Not collared OP outside the gym and announced it in a throwaway comment.

He’s still not a nice person, regardless.

We had a similar secret in my family. A great aunt decided to announce to various family members while my granny was on her death bed that one of her children (i.e. my aunties) was the result of an affair.

She claimed she felt people needed to know.

Thing is, said auntie had died ten years before that, and my granny died as well, so there was literally no reason why anyone needed to know.

But the fallout was horrendous. Because now one of the siblings who has a reputation for being a bit of a fantasist, took it on herself to go round telling people that the other siblings were from different fathers as well, and so now they were all left in doubt.

It didn’t need to happen, and she absolutely was purely shit stirring.

This
What a thoughtless act by John
I do think that you should tell your husband OP

I would tell John straight what you have said here
that you are uncomfortable with this info and that he shouldn't have told you.
I find the cover of people being 'straight up and forthright' often ends like this.
He may well be but he shouldn't be disclosing family info like this.
Shove it back to him in no uncertain terms and let him know you are cross he told you and you are not a repository for old family history.