Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

I think I'd go back to him and say, "I've been thinking about what you said. You have to tell him...."

If he says he will, that's good, one way or another.

If he says he can't for some reason, you can say you can't for the same reason.

totally agree with your post.

Walk don't walk appears not to have thought this situation really through , but instead to have jumped to the popular name calling without having the faintest idea of the motivations or the situation of the 'victim'.

Genius.

Another fan of John here. I hope it goes well telling your husband,

The moral of the story here fo rme is that this person in your DH's life and family is someone the family do not particularly like or want around and yet you decided you knew better and would have lovely little chit chats with him, including while knowing that he hates your MIL. It's hard for me to understand why, even if this is true, it's such a BIG deal for John. FFS, his aunty may or may not have had an affair 30+ years ago? Get over it.

You should mention it to your DH, but you should be very clear that John was shit stirring and you realise now that you shouldn't hav ebeen engaging with him.

Walk don't walk appears not to have thought this situation really through , but instead to have jumped to the popular name calling without having the faintest idea of the motivations or the situation of the 'victim'.

....that's what makes a horse race.

If it's true, then the 'victim' surely is the OP's husband, who has no motivations because he doesn't know.

If the victim is the OP, then I'm addressing what she should do in this situation.

Do you think the victim is John? I don't.

So not only would you lie by omission, if/ when it came out you’d lie again? All very underhand.

*appreciate some may argue it’s not lying by omission if she’s not asked about it, but I’d consider even a ‘how was your day’ type question and then withholding this news an omission.

I have only read OPs post and not the full thread.
Im probably going against a trend here.
I had a very challenging FIL with a malicious, manipulative wife like this cousin.
FIL and MIL divorced decades prior (he left for the crazy wife) and yet the “new” wife was the one harbouring enormous resentment. She would say eyebrow-raising things to me like “I love you more than my own children.” She would also tell me absolutely jaw dropping things about MIL, about FIL and about her own relationship with FIL. I cared about her but used to have an instinctive feeling she had an agenda. I still have no idea what her agenda was but I didn’t tell DH. Even when my husband ended up going NC with his father 18 years ago, in part due to her, I still didn’t pass on any of what she’d shared. I don’t like being played and - I have to admit - she was so spiteful about anyone and everyone and in the end turned on us too that I quite liked having the higher ground. I liked knowing when she was groundlessly and recklessly flinging sh*t about that I could have torpedoed her marriage by letting on what i knew. PIL was outwardly very reserved and would have been horrified to know that she had betrayed such things. I enjoyed the irony of her going mad about people’s perceived loyalty when she had absolutely fkn none to anyone, not even her own kids or best friend. She was breathtakingly selfish and ungrateful. I didn’t tell my husband sth any of what she shared until 3 years ago (and there was a reason why.) I also felt there was no need to carry this any more. He totally agreed that I had handled it the right way for all of us and agreed she had had an agenda in sharing such confidences. To this day the rest and bulk of what she said I have not told another soul and I haven’t spoke to her in 18 years.
I didn’t want her to play into what I felt was an attempt at manipulating something at the time.
I feel parallels from what you’ve shared about this cousin: how he’s shared this info, the place he’s shared it etc… I’d feel very wary about his motivation. He is being vengeful rather than sharing out of a sense of duty or care for your husband.
This is different in that the secret shared with me involved did not directly involve my husband. I’d still not act in haste, not out of self preservation but out of concern for the other people involved and the seismic impact when you have no proof.
Only you know your husband and how he will feel about you knowing what has been said.

What is your relationship like with MIL?
I think - having given cousin a piece of my mind - I’d actually be inclined to speak to your MIL in a neutral place and tell her what has been said. I think I’d be more likely to take this to her and - if true - ask that she tells your husband.
If it’s malicious and not true, then I’d tell your husband so you all know where you stand with this cousin, who has behaved abysmally, however you look at it and irrespective of the truth. Like my step MIL, he’s trying to get you to do what he has not all these years. I’d be very suspicious of why that is before torpedoing a family - and possibly your marriage.

So sorry x

I agree with this.
I also feel that everyone should know their origins, it’s a terrible thing to keep from someone, even if it might be for understandable reasons at the time.
With Ancestry dna tests being so common now people can have a huge shock if they get an unexpected result, it isn’t an easy secret to keep any more.
Perhaps it is just hearsay from the parent of the cousin, the sibling of your Mil, but your DH does deserve to know. I don’t think the cousin was necessarily being spiteful, if he believes it’s the truth, he probably thinks it’s terrible that your Mil hasn’t told your DH.

I have been in a few situations similar to this - knowing some information that, if kept from someone makes you complicit in lies but if told makes you feel responsible for the fall out. The best thing to is to tell your husband that you bumped into John, he said something ridiculous and horrible about him/his parents. Say that you weren't sure if you should tell him because it would cause drama but on the other hand you don't want to keep secrets from your husband. Then tell him you thought you'd leave it up to him whether he wants to know or not. You'd be surprised by the number of people who say "I don't want to know" - I give bad news at work also and my feeling is that the people who say that know on some level, or they know that the Johns of the world cause shit and drama and don't want to invite it in.

Whatever your husband chooses is his choice and giving someone that little bit of control can make things way better if he does tell you to give him details. If he doesn't, you can respect his choice and not feel guilty at keeping a secret from him.

in using the word 'victim' I meant the subject of your name calling (John). I couldn't think of the correct word to use on the spur of the moment. To be honest I was so angered by your immediate nasty name calling of somebody who you have never met or have absolutely no idea of the motivations or history behind what he's doing.
I'm old now and have a lot of life experience that I didn't have years ago. I realise that there are many different kinds of reactions to situations and that we can't just slag people off for reacting differently to how we personally would have reacted. People's reactions/ judgements of situations are based largely on our own life experiences, and will obviously be different from person to person. It pays us all to be careful about labelling people because often the labels we give them sticks and this is not OK.

Our instincts on this one differ.

However, as John is never going to know what either of us think of him, it's difficult to see how any label's going to stick.

You can't keep this from him!

Sit him down and start with, "At the risk of sounding like a shit stirrer, this information might explain some things in your life and ....well, quite frankly I would want you to tell me so........"

Imagine if he had been told something like this and kept it from you. You would feel very betrayed.

If it's bullshit, this is the chance to test that.

He might already know this. It would explain the bad feeling towards DH's Mum though.

I would tell dh.
Last thing you need is 'john' telling people he told you then it coming out later.

Sometimes the person who won't toe the family line is dismissed as difficult or othered in some way, that may be the case with John. He may also just be a raging twat.

With that in mind I would tell your DH, I would say John told me this, I obviously don't know how true it is but I didn't want to keep secrets from you and I don't like the idea of him badmouthing your parents to other people. I will support you in whatever you want to do with this information. Then just be led by whatever your DH would like to do. Best of luck OP, this man has put you in an awful position.

It was the 'accepted wisdom' in my immediate family that my female cousin's dad was the butcher for whom her mother worked up to having cousin. My mother cited cousin's very red hair that the butcher also had and insisted she looked nothing like my uncle.

I didn't see my cousin for quite some years after I moved away from home, but we're in touch these days. She looks SO MUCH like my late uncle, her dad! I mean, I resemble my own father but have a bit of my mother too - but cousin looks like a clone of my uncle!

Some families have these stories, OP. They're often just idle, unkind gossip.

I agree you should tell him, but I think you need to take a bit of time to work out HOW to tell him.

Whether he knows today, tomorrow, or a week from now won't really matter, so don't rush it.

Maybe you need to find somewhere and some excuse to go for a long walk or something, probably without phones, and tell him. You can't just casually drop it in his day, and can't do it right at the end of the day when he's supposed to go to sleep. I'd basically be setting up a weekend to tell him.

Thank you for all your replies.

i won’t see DH until dinner, I'm going to tell him after we’ve eaten.
I’m pissed off that this has been put on me but there we are!
I’ve read through your messages and will use some of the suggestions to help tell him.

things could be about to change drastically for all involved 😬

It's not shit stirring though. The primary loyalty you have is to your husband. It is the honest and decent thing to do. If you didn't tell him, whether it's true or not could massively damage your relationship. It's not great you are in this position but you can't control what happens all you can do is control how you react.

He 'heard lots growing up'?

So basically, he's repeating gossip and is spreading it around with no idea whether it's actually true or not. Honestly, this all sounds like unpleasant rumour-mongering to me.

I think you’ve made the right decision op. And while I agree John could be a shit stirrer, also he could have felt a bit like you over the years, in a horrible position possessing such sensitive information, and wanting to unburden himself. Shit on you but somewhat understandable.

And I think you’ve made the have to remember it’s not you throwing the nuke in the family. That was done long ago by people who made decisions to lie to your DH. I think just tell him and show your love, let him feel whatever he feels and be there for him.

It's awful if such gossip is going around the family.

Imagine if it's not true.

Seems like John might not be the only one who doesn't think much of Op's MIL!

I disagree. DH might well shoot the messenger and forget that John stirred this up.

I would not tell my DH this information but I would make sure that John DID tell him

But you have no other choice.

If John is spouting off to you, he will be to others too.

When (not if) your H finds out, how much kinder that it comes from you rather than "Dave at the pub" who thinks it's a laugh

I couldn’t keep that to myself