Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

Both can be true.

If it’s true then mIL may or may not be a bad person. We don’t know the details to judge.

However, if John really has been carrying this around, if he really felt that the DH should know, there are ways to deliver that information. In a sensitive manner.

The fact he essentially shouted it at the OP outside the gym means that he doesn’t feel any guilt or obligation towards her DH or that he believes he deserves sensitivity. Therefore, he is still a bad person.

These replies are interesting, because on a previous post about a woman finding out her husband's adult son had an addiction to prostitutes that was ruining him financially and mentally, she was widely advised not to tell her husband, despite the massive fallout it could cause between them if the father subsequently found out that she knew this information about his son and didn't tell him.

Tell him. I believe it is a human right to know where we come from.

It might not even be true!

Please don’t refer to his biological potential dad as his “ real dad” though.

cranky or not, his dad is the one who raised him.

Signed adoptee and adoptive mom.

There could be no truth at all and you would be risking harm to your marraige and family relations . If your husbands family steer clear of him maybe he’s known for lying and causing trouble!

I’d say to DH that you met John today and he told you something about the family that you’d rather not have been told and which has the potential to cause hurt and upset if true and even more hurt and upset if false. Say you’ve been put in an impossible situation but you have no idea as to its truth and as you’d rather not spread gossip or false rumours, you’re suggesting he meets up with or calls John and asks John to tell him what John told you.
If I was MIL and my DIL passed on such gossip to my son, I’d be hugely hurt. It’s your place to alert DH to John’s behaviour but it’s not your place to spread gossip which will damage the family. Let DH and John sort this out and stay out of it. Explain that you are there to support DH in any way he wants whether he decides to speak to John or not. Presumably, he can just give John a call or meet up with him.
If DH, when alerted to the fact that there is a family secret out there, begs you to tell him, I might reluctantly do so but I’d make it clear you’d rather he got it first-hand from John as you really don’t want to be seen as spreading information you can’t corroborate. Good luck. You might be in for a bumpy ride.

we've eaten and he’s having a shower before he needs to leave for work, not sure tonight is the best time to tell him as he leaves for work at 8.30. I did intend on telling him tonight but thought tomorrow night will be better as he doesn’t work tomorrow night, I feel really nervous at the thought of telling him. I don’t want to leave it much longer though
thank you to everyone taking the time to read and reply

edit.

You really need to tell him now.

Don’t drag this out any longer.

I'd say this will be a hard conversation but just stick to the facts and tell him straight up what his cousin said. This isn't a situation of your making, I know people say everyone shoots the messanger but it needs to be said

Got no choice to tell him really. Xxx

Another night really isn’t going to make a difference. now just before he goes to work really isn’t the time to tell him.

And I wouldn’t make a big deal of it anyway, the more the OP makes this into something it might not even be, the worse this could be.

This John is clearly a nasty piece of work, so I’d be inclined to downplay it anyway.

I agree with this poster.

OP - You are being set up for a a lifetime of misery as it will always be you who set the downfall in motion, whether it has been going on for years or not.

Dismiss it as idle gossip - nothing good will come out of this - especially coming from You.

Stay away from this John.

You clearly have to play it how your gut tells you, but I agree with the comments that you are chickening out. I disagree that John is a nasty piece of work - we don't know, and it's probably not relevant.

Good luck & best wishes, I still think that you should recruit support for this.

And this @loveteandcake

This implicates You

Why You and Why Now?

Leave well alone.

Oh gosh that’s an awful situation to be in. Could the cousin be shit stirring and lying? I’d have to talk to my MIL and just say this is what John said, don’t accuse her of anything, just see what she says. Put it in her court, if it’s true, you’ll have to say ‘tell my DH or I will have to tell him’ and explain your reasoning.

Just explain that you saw John and he told you something that's made you feel really uncomfortable. You arent sure if it's true or not but feel he should know....

That you've held onto the information as you were trying to process it but also didn't want to upset him.

Don't be silly, she doesn't want to tell him just before he goes to work - terrible idea.

you will be caught in the crossfire and probably 'blamed' in some way.
John is manipulative and putting you in a horrible postion.
Have it out with him - not your husband

maybe just give every1 involved dna ancestry tests for Xmas?🤷‍♀️

Timing is important, I think you’re right

My advice is always to err on the side of "let sleeping dogs lie".

No. Why do Johns dirty work? It may be totally and completely untrue. Why turn your husbands world upside down on the word of a third party? He may have an agenda in telling you. Why do others in the family not like him? What was his motive in telling you?

Ask yourself who profits by you being the one to disseminate this unhappiness. You? No. Your husband? No. Your MIL? No. John????

Youre not “keeping a secret”. You’re failing to pass on very hurtful gossip

And if it IS true you will ask. The word there is IF

I just had a thought, what if when I tell him, DH confronts John and he denies it, making me look like a crazy shit stirrer, I like the idea that someone said earlier about, telling him he needs to speak with John about something important.

If your husband believes “John” over you then he isn’t husband material, sorry.

The best thing to do is be 100% transparent with him. You need to be truthful about what was said.

You ideally should have told him straight away. So please do tell him tomorrow:

Morning husband, I wanted to tell you yesterday but I’m going to tell you know. On [X day] I saw John at the leisure centre. He started to tell me that Fred isn’t your father. I don’t know why he said that.

Honestly OP, the longer you leave it the more messy it will become.

Are you afraid of your husband? Are you afraid of how he will respond?

Why would your dh believe John if he said that?

Just tell him straightforwardly what John said to you, you have no idea if it is true or not, but that he should probably know what is being said.