Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

Agree. Some families have a very obvious black sheep that gets demonised for things beyond their control.

I would get the advice of a professional counselor, before doing anything further.

You need to tell your DH what’s been said. He has the right to know this. It might not be true anyway.

You have to tell your husband, no debate. It's up to him what he does with that information in terms of making it a family issue or keeping quiet.

John is an absolute prick.

Definitely mention it to him OP.

My MIL told me she fancied a colleague at her work and things were happening, she eventually walked out on my FIL. She told me not to tell my DH. I did inform him as I'm not keeping it secret nor did I ask her to tell me. When it all came out I got the blame from her saying it was all my fault 🙄

Just relay the conversation and pass the burden on. Nobody has to believe it until proved true.
John is a coward and a shit stirring ass.
Why hasn't he spoken directly to dh?
Put it back to the family.

It might not be true. Just tell him that John said a weird thing. Tell him what it is then let him do with it as he wishes.

John is not a nice person. Don't be in his company again.

He's using you to his own ends. I would have urged him to put it in family chat, if he's included in it, which I doubt! Tell him to take out an ad in local paper but don't use me as your scapegoat!

He's threw a grenade and wants you to pull the pin. Throw the grenade back and tell him to suck it.

Suffice to say I wouldn't believe John.

Many families have known/hidden secrets John isn't judge or jury he's just a c u next Tuesday.

In saying that I'd tell my husband because he needs to know just how much of a c u next Tuesday John is.

I'd say to your dh that you John said something extraordinary to you last time you met and then tell him. Don't wait to see a counsellor or anything like that. Tell your dh what was said and see what he thinks/wants to do. This isn't your story to keep from your dh.

Keeping secrets is never good. John could be talking through his arse for all you know but your dh should know what he is saying about him and his mum.

I can't believe you'd even consider not telling him. I'd feel too guilty lying by omission to someone who I love.

A lot of posters seem to think that John is telling the truth rather than shit stirring

I don't believe anything either way, but I can't imagine not telling my husband something like that. Imagine it was true and you'd not said anything to the person it was about and who you had taken vows to.

You have to tell him. You cannot keep this info from him. He would rightly be furious if he later knew you knew, and never told him. Speak to the cousin again first if you want, say you’ve been reflecting on what he said and are going to have to tell him, and ask for more info. Like how he knows?

Some people cannot just leave well enough alone. One thing that has never been brought up, is why, after all of this time, has this "nuclear bomb" just now been casually been landed in your lap. He's apparently had years to share it with his cousin directly, called out the woman with the invisible scarlet letter directly, or targeted another relative by befriending them and casually mentioning this piece of damaging gossip that could destroy a lot of people without any actual proof but just hearsay. Going through with this accusation, without any actual documented proof, while he sits on the sidelines possibly feigning ignorance about a conversation he wouldn't back up since you already said no one cares for him, would likely sabotage your credibility.

If you did this you'd be hoping to god John hasn't called his mum or someone else to warn them the cat's out of the bag, then everyone starts calling everyone and you'd be right in the shit with your husband for not telling him straight away.

Yes, you have to tell him.
You could either tell him sensitively and say you didn't feel it was right to not tell him or you could broach it like John seems to have lost the plot and he's coming up with mad stories now, and that he said that Fred wasn't his real dad, your husband may not want to open up the can of worms and so may appreciate if he thinks you don't believe it and think it's such a lie that John told.
But then it's very hard to know what way to tell him but you definitely need to tell him in some way.

I think you should tell him. It’s better coming from you than 3rd party gossip? Cause if he’s freely giving you this information, who else is he saying it to?

Tell him, I’d be fucking furious if DH didn’t tell me something like that.

In John’s defence if it’s the truth it’s the truth, plus if he doesn’t care anyway about getting shit for this then well. I wouldn’t necessarily judge the MIL too harshly here, you never know about peoples relationships or how they got where they got.

What a wanker. I know exactly what you mean about the messenger getting shot but you have to say something, unfortunately. You can't leave it. Does your mother in law know that her nephew doesn't like her?

I think the cousin did the right thing (if he’s right) and has probably been struggling to keep it to himself for years. Your DH needs to know and has always had the right to know.

Don't hang onto this info for too long. If he asks why the delay i would not say i didn't know what to do, more that u were trying to find the right time. Good luck OP. All u can do is be there for him

If places were swapped, would you want DH to tell you who your real father was? I would.

But do it carefully and prepare for both possibilities: being true and being false. By preparing, I mean getting help, possibly from a professional, because if you involve a friend or relative, DH may be upset with you for telling someone before him.

I wouldn't dream of hiding something like this from my DH. It's his choice what to do with the information. You tell him the truth and face it together.
I'd be really hurt if I heard my DH had taken it upon himself to hide something like this from me because HE decided on was in my best interest.

When you tell DH perhaps say it in a breezy “you won’t believe what John said today” way. Don’t sound like you believe it or feel DH should do something about it. He will decide what to do. He might even surprise you and say, “so John is still banging on about that theory” because if John is direct and outspoken all the time, rather than a selective vindictive stirrer, he would surely have already discussed this with the people directly involved.

Your DH might be in the dark about John’s suspicions and want to know the truth or he might be aware and not want to delve into, or he might even know the rumour is true and not want to discuss it. I think breeziness will avoid putting any pressure on DH and make it easier for him to sweep it under the rug if that’s where he wants it to be

Definitely frame it in a ‘John told me this today’ way rather than a ‘This is definitely true because John said it was’. Husband deserves to know the rumours going round about him and then he can speak to his mum if he wants to .

he may even have heard this story before. We can’t know how true it is, or if it’s a story made up to discredit his mum (maybe her sister fancied Fred first or something). But he should know that it’s out there.