Should I tell my husband?

[loveteandcake]

Hi everyone,

I really am in need of some advice, I am so torn and stuck over what I should do.
My Husband has a cousin, let’s call him John!
John and I go to the same leisure centre and frequently bump into one another.
John has always been nice to me, never rude or anything like that, however some family members aren’t keen on him, he is very straight and to the point, he doesn’t sugar coat anything and speaks his mind which, I know can offend/upset some people.
John isn’t a fan of DH’s mum and I’ve never known why and neither does DH.
so, one night I was leaving the leisure centre and see John, we were chatting about how DH’s mum had offered to have DC on our anniversary, He then went on to say, oh yeah she’s such a saint and rolled his eyes, I gave a little awkward laugh as I didn’t want to say anything bad, he continued, if you all knew her you wouldn’t think so highly of her, Fred (not his real name, but for the sake of this post - DH’s dad) isn’t even DH’s dad and then went on and gave me the name of DH’s apparent real dad. I was in shock and quite annoyed that he told me this, what was the point, what am I meant to do with this Info, is it even true, do I tell DH what he said or not? I have been put in such an awkward position.
Whether or not this matters, DH and Fred look nothing alike, whatsoever.
can I please get some opinions.

thanks

I’d tell your DH what he said because if true you would be complicit in lying to your husband and I don’t think that this is healthy in a marriage

That was a really shitty thing of him to do. You can hardly not mention it to your dh but I would want to be in full possession of the actual facts first. What’s your relationship with your MIL like? Could you speak to her first?

Id be giving John a wide berth from now on either way.

I'd tell everyone what he said.

Then he'd have to face up to his shit stirring.

If it was me I'd tell DH. I think he has the right to know who is his biological Dad is (if he wants to) Do you know if DH's DAD (he'll always be his DAD, he raised him) knows or not?

is this the only reason John gave or were there other reasons?

Tell your husband that’s what he said that’s it?

I just feel like, I could be opening a can of worms that is going to turn the family upside down, I feel like I need to tell DH but I just know it’s going to hurt so many people if it’s true - John won’t care if I tell everyone it come from me, he would be like, it’s the truth, why should I lie 🙄
I don’t want to ask MIL, I don’t feel as if it’s my place to and if she begs me not to tell DH I’m in an even worse place

Of course you have to tell him. True or not, if he ever finds out you didn’t share something potentially so important, he’ll never trust you again.

I'd bump into him again and ask him who knows and how true its likley to be. And tell him how much of an awkward situation he's put you in

@AutumnCosy2025 he didn’t say if ‘Fred’ knew or not. Such a shitty thing to do.

What a shit stirring idiot.
It's going to throw a nuke into the family, but I don't think you can really avoid telling your DH. What he does with the information is up to him.
There's always the chance that John is talking nonsense and repeating rumours he has heard over the years, so I'd encourage DH to go in with an open mind rather than with all guns blazing.

I think you have to tell your DH. If he finds out you knew and kept it from him, he’ll never trust you again.

I also think you’d be mad to approach your MiL. Firstly, because she’s likely to ask you to keep it quiet. But what if your DH decides he wants to ignore it and pretend he doesn’t know? You’d be taking that choice away from him.

Do you think that he was telling the truth? Why would wider family know, but not DH himself?
You need to tell DH what he said. It could be malicious gossip, it could be true but either way DH has a right to know.

I want to tell him but I don’t want to hurt him, he has always said his dad was grumpy growing up and his sister (who is younger) was favourite, but I say that about my younger sister. Apparently his real dad is a bit of a down and out and that’s why they’ve never told him

@BaronessBombursti don’t really know if he’s telling the truth, I don’t know why he would lie though, he’s older and said he heard lots growing up and that’s how he knows. Nobody has ever said he’s a liar but it’s possible

Well…if it is true, how fair has it been for other people to know this but not your husband? Because if John knows- other people in the family know. It’s come out now, there is no going back now. You must tell your husband. He might not want to even ask his mum..He might want to ignore, dismiss or avoid it. He might want to pursue it further. I think he needs to be able to make a choice.

What I will say is that family secrets like this are not uncommon.

Yes tell him everything that was said.

Tell him now.

Why are people giving John grief?? He's the only one who has bothered to tell the truth. Your DH's mother has potentially been lying to her son, your husband for his whole life!! Too right she's no saint if it's true.

Of course you have to tell your DH, I'm perplexed that you'd even have to think about that.

Well done to John for not being complicit in this decades long deception (if true!)

And to add, I'd be seriously fucked off, if my DH spent time thinking about whether to tell me this information and posting albeit anonymously online before actually just fucking telling me.

@ReadingSoManyThreadsit’s always the messenger that gets shot! I will tell him but I now feel like a shit stirrer, it’s not nice knowing I’m going to, potentially turn his world upside down.

Because John didn't bother to tell the OP out of desperate concern to let her DH know the truth. If that was the case, he'd have told him years ago and to his face, not via his wife during a chat at the gym about child care. It wasn't done because he's some sort of altruistic champion looking to set things right, let's face it. Also, he HAS been part of a decades long deception if it is true. He's only just spoken up...and not to the actual person/people concerned.

You’re definitely not shit stirring.

If your husband is a decent man then he won’t “shoot the messenger”.

Would you rather not telling him…. Then a few years down the line you’re sat at a family gathering and the cousin says “Oh remember that time I told you that Fred wasn’t his real dad”.

Just tell him. Sooner rather than later. It’s a shitty position that the cousin has put you in, but your loyalty lies with your husband.

For crying out loud woman, telling your DH isn't shit stirring. It's telling him information that you've found out that could be vital to him. He needs to know and you need to stop being silly about it.

Well given what OP said about John in the OP, there's clearly underlaying tension in the family, of which we now know why. I interpret from OP's description that John didn't want to be complicit. But of course, it wasn't really his place to tell DH, perhaps he thought it was DH's mother's place to tell her son the truth, so John kept out of it, against his principles.

I get I'm very much reading between the lines here. Yes, John said it as a gripe, but when you are cast as the black sheep of the family, after decades, you get fed up of others being the 'saint', and out pops the dark family secret.

I don't blame John in the slightest. He's likely been treated poorly by the family, and has had enough of keeping their dirty dark secrets.

Hope OP's DH takes the news as well as can be expected. It may even be the missing piece to the puzzle for him. Wish him well.

Or DH's mother will have to face up to her lies and deception (if it's true). John's done nothing wrong here and it doesn't sound like he'd give a fuck about being blamed for saying it anyway.

I'd tell him if it were my husband.

I'd probably ask him first if I had heard some news that might change his life would he want me to tell him though first and then if he says yes he wants to know, tell him you don't want to feel complicit since having this information dumped on you but John told you Fred isn't his real dad and NotFred is apparently his real dad.